I AM THE VEIN WHISPERER
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76
I’m back! It’s been a while since I’ve been on this site because I’ve found myself under some financial trouble and I’ve been stressed BUT I wanted to take this opportunity to talk about something I love dearly: dihedral groups!
Consider the symmetries of a square:
We can see that there are 4 reflections and 3 rotations, as well as the act of doing nothing at all. Together, we have 8 total symmetries, and in fact, these are all of the possible symmetries. What this means is that if we do one of these symmetric moves and then do another one, we will have not changed the square, and therefore doing these two moves is the same as doing just one of the 8 symmetries on its own. For example, doing a 90 degree rotation followed by a 180 degree rotation is the same as doing a 270 degree rotation. Also, doing a 90 degree rotation followed by a reflection across the vertical axis is the same as doing a reflection across a diagonal axis.
So in other words, we can define a function that takes two symmetries of a square as input and which outputs another symmetry. Since standard multiplication is a function taking two numbers and outputting another number, it makes sense to borrow the notation of multiplication for this function. Our symmetry function satisfies a few useful properties:
- Closure: As explained above, for any two symmetries, the function will spit out another symmetry
- Identity: There is a symmetry (namely, the “do nothing” symmetry) such that when it is input into the function with another symmetry, the function will always simply output the other symmetry
- Associativity: For any symmetries a, b, and c, (ab)c = a(bc)
- Inverses: For every symmetry, there is a symmetry that undoes it. For example, rotating a square by 270 degrees undoes rotating it by 90 degrees, and doing a reflection a second time after doing it once undoes the first reflection
These 4 properties are so important that any set of objects with a function defined on it that satisfies all of these properties has a special name: they’re called groups and they’re really freaking awesome. The symmetries of a square as a group is called D~8~, since there are 8 total symmetries. Sometimes you might see it called D~4~, since squares have 4 sides, but I think this convention is a bit silly. In the same way, D~6~ is the symmetries of an equilateral triangle, D~10~ is the symmetries of a regular pentagon, and so forth. In general, D~2n~ is the symmetries of a regular n-gon.
Now, one interesting thing is that groups can contain each other. For example, consider an octagon. Since there are squares hidden within the points of octagons, if we pick a square we can see that all of the symmetries of that square are present in the symmetries of of the octagon, so it is possible to throw out all of the other symmetries. What we would be left with is just the symmetries of a square. What this means is that D~8~ is contained in D~16~. You can play similar games to show that there are lots of groups contained inside the dihedral groups.
The last thing I want to talk about regarding these things are their subgroup lattices. Oftentimes mathematicians want to picture the internal structure of a group. One of the ways they might do this is by writing down all of the subgroups of a group they’re studying onto a piece of paper, and then connecting any two with a line if one of them is a subgroup of the other that doesn’t have a subgroup between them. The resulting picture is called a subgroup lattice, and I’ve left some dihedral group lattices below because I think they’re pretty.
two cute dihedral subgroup lattices holding hands and cuddling
Anyway this has been gushposting with your host, yewler. Maybe next mega I might talk about more specific details that make these things cool.
Now you may commence in the posting
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Finally got a chance to come out to come out to that guy friend coworker. He said all the right thing, that he supports me ect.
spoiler just complaining like always
I've hurt since. Idk why I try. I knew this would be hard but not like this. I actually, literally can't. I don't want to do anything again. I've been so dysphoric lately. The feeling isn't even just from him being a dipshit. It just hurts all the time now. This is horrible. One of the worst fates I could imagine. A nightmare.
:::misgendering
Also called me sir half way through the conversation. I started it by telling him of course.
Went out with an old coworker friend today. We were walking around and browsing some clothes, and I was looking at a blouse and she said "that would look good on you"
Girls, I've made it ❤️
(lesbianly develops crush on a very tall very cute WNBA player)
nah this shit is too dark, can't think about it
immature sex words funny joke
Changing my pronouns on the dating site I'm on to 😩/🍆/🔨 and seeing who responds
Measurements and brainworms
Every time I measure myself or get measured I somehow get closer to having an hourglass figure despite doing literally nothing. My waist keep getting thinner and my chest and hips keep getting wider. I'm genuinely even close to my hips being as wide as my shoulders.
My brain can't keep up or cope with it. I still feel like someone who wears men's medium/large and is bigger than the women around me despite the fact that I currently wear women's smalls and, beyond height, most women I know have bigger sizes than me. I even know that, when I first measured myself pre-E, that I was actually on par with cis women's measurements (based on the dress I was ordering) with the one exception being my waist which has since gotten smaller such that everything is on par now except occasionally height and shoulder width depending on the piece. So I recognise that I was actually more feminine in build in the first place than I thought I was, and I recognise that I'm incredibly lucky to have this sort of body. And I'm really grateful about that, I love it and I've loved watching it sculpt itself with estrogen.
But it is also existentially terrifying to consider when it shows just how much my body has changed in the 1.5 years since I started E and got kicked out. My waist getting thinner? That's because I literally ate nothing more than one muffin a day (at best) for a whole month immediately after I was kicked, and while I've been eating better I'm still not eating as well as I used to. My boobs and hips getting bigger? Typical estrogen effects that make me happy, but it's also pushing me into having a hourglass-adjacent body shape that is, for trans women, very atypical and feels almost alien compared to what I expected my body to become. I'll reiterate that I'm incredibly happy with all of these changes. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that whenever I get a concrete number to think about it scares me a little. It's always a reminder of where I was a year and a half ago and how my self-image doesn't align with my actual self at times, it's always a reminder of how quick a body can drastically change, and it's always a reminder that, maybe, a lot of the things I was dysphoric over were never quite so bad as they used to feel to me.
To use a term I loathe, being faced with these concrete numbers make me feel like I've been a "bdd passoid." I despise that term and how people use it to just insult anyone they consider prettier than them, while being dismissive of whatever dysphoria the person in question has. But it almost feels like it fits me, when I'm given these exact measurements that tell me not only is my body close to cisnormative patriarchal beauty standards in ways unattainable for other people, but it's been that way for maybe longer than I thought.
I've always had a very visual relationship with my dysphoria. It feels like, if I can't see the thing I'm dysphoric about in the moment, then it stops being present in my head. A good example is body hair. I often don't shave as often when it's winter and I'm wearing pants or tights since I can't see, and thereby feel bad about, my body hair. I'd prefer to always be clean shaven, of course. But there's a point where the cost-benefit ratio of shaving my body loses out and it's when I will be actively seeing the dysphoria-inducing thing in question. So this makes the possibility of being a "bdd passoid" feel stronger, after all, BDD is more obsessed with a false perception than anything actual. Maybe my dysphoria was always just that.
But that line of thought ends there, because I am genuinely very happy with my appearance now, in a way where BDD wouldn't seem to apply to me as well. And I mean, of course. "bdd passoids" are usually people who do worry about certain features and the term is just used as a cudgel to be shitty and dismissive of their hurt, to suggest that one's own hurt is more real and therefore valid unlike the passoid's. It's a cruel term like everything else that's come from /tttt/ and its adjacent spaces.
But in my case specifically, it matters that the thing that provokes this feeling is getting concrete measurements. I've always used body measurements as a way to actually track how femme I am, trying to chase a ridiculous cisnormative beauty standard because it's the thing that I thought would bring me some joy. And now that I've gotten quite close to it... It has. And so much of my dysphoria around these things is gone, and goes away every time I do it again. But certain things, my smallness in particular, haven't sunk in yet.
I don't really think my obsession with measurements has been healthy at all. I mean, obviously right? I became so fixated on them because it felt like a calculable way to determine what I'd need to magically pass. The same sort of toxic relationship with my body that spaces like /tttt/ promote, even if I never went there. I've never been quite so bad that I'd measure myself constantly; I only do it when necessary for clothing purchases. But nonetheless it has often been a huge source of both euphoria and dysphoria. Now that I've reached the "good" measurements, it always provokes euphoria. But it also always reminds me that I used to have a body that some would consider already lucky for a trans woman. So why wasn't I satisfied with it? Well, I don't think it was the right body for me. Why should I fixate on if I'm allowed to have felt dysphoric about it. I felt dysphoric regardless, wishing that away won't change anything. And now that I feel euphoric about my body more often than not, why should I believe that it's me being a "bdd passoid" rather than simply a dysphoria about something that just wasn't right for me? Why shouldn't I be allowed to feel this tangled mess of positive and negative emotions when I get a measurement and recognise how far I've come in this tangled mess of a life I've lived? I think that's where I'm at, now. It's a messy feeling that I get, and it's probably not the healthiest thing to feel when being measured. But I also don't think it's so negative as it could be. I'm okay with who I am, both body and mind, even if it took some time to get here.
I love my LGBT community online but goddamn interacting with some of it is feels like banging my head against the wall sometimes. No irl group I've been in has even tried to come up with half the fuckin terms online trans especially /tttt/ comes up with
CW food. Meat
I ate two tins of tuna just before midnight last night, plus two lunch sizes bags of crisps. I had eaten pretty solidly all day.
I woke up with noticeably bigger breasts. So I listened to my body and it wanted five mcmuffins in different combinations.
Only now do I feel full.
Edit: Okay plus two hashbrowns
Washed down with a black coffee and a sparkling water (a girl has got to make smart choices with her body)
damn, being a girl is great. i can just sit about the house relaxing in a sports bra with an open flannel over it, this rocks
The worst part of transitioning for an adventurer isn't getting the literal breastplate fitted to all your armour, it's the voice training to change your pain grunts from "ugh" to "ugh~ ♥️".
The worst part of transitioning for a superhero is getting the spinal removal surgery so you can do the boobs and butt pose.
Second worst is having to get used to sticking the vacuum under your clothes.
I'm actually flexible enough that I can kinda do the pose, but(t) it sure as fuck ain't comfortable
Just become a druid and shapeshift into an animal. Like, how many people can tell the difference between a male or a female rat screech?
one of the things I'm possibly irrationally happy with myself about is feminizing my sneeze.
I legitimately get angry if I'm around someone and I almost-sneeze-but-then-don't because I feel robbed of the opportunity to show off that I Sneeze Cute now.
Got back on my anti-depressant. Feeling anti-depressed. Is there a word for that?
The city is planning to update water meters as some cash grab, since if techs deem it too old they'll shut off water until you get a licensed plumber to fix it and the newest houses around here are about 100yo.
Mine hasn't been updated since at least the 70s and ground is still connected to the main. Biggest concern is ending up without electric or water during the upcoming heatwave and I still have to work around crybaby customers who whine even if I smell of icy hot. All sorts of electrical and plumbing are cobbled up in this house.
I can stay with family until it gets fixed but another concern is all my family lives 30min away, and with that commute I will be losing money to go into work and I always close late AF, so more local relatives can't help out.
Estrogen 
Injection nervousness is really hitting me hard. I've taken injections so many times. I don't know what happened for me to start freaking out today. If this is a problem tomorrow, I'll be really behind my schedule.
At this point the only thing I can think of is trying to find some oral E (I wonder if I cam get it at the same place as oral B). But in 1 day? Might be tough. I don't even know of a place right away that will give me anything (especially without a prescription).
Probably the only short term fix I have for this problem is to buy some numbing gel.
You should be able to buy ametop or EMLA at a pharmacy
But is it the pain that's making you stop? Or just the idea of a needle at all?
You should be able to buy ametop or EMLA at a pharmacy
I like your magic words science girl
Jokes aside, I'll check what that stuff is
But is it the pain that's making you stop? Or just the idea of a needle at all?
The idea of a needle. Like, I've felt much greater pain and had much larger cuts all the time compared to needles. But needles just really give me the ick. It's really manageable when my mental state is good. But when my mental state is not so good, I have a lot of trouble. I've even fainted onto the floor after injecting myself with E once. That isn't too surprising to me, since I faint or get lightheaded every time when my blood is drawn (so does my dad).
And when my mental state is really bad, I can't even bring myself to push the needle in.
They're numbing creams! You might have to ask for it from the pharmacist, I don't think they're put out like Tylenol or Gravol or whatever. I use Ametop on kids and babies when we need to do an injection or start an IV or do bloodwork
You can sit and do your own injection ya know, there's no rule where you have to be standing. You might even be able to do it while laying down if you're flexible enough. You can kind of scratch near the injection and it can take away the sensation of it entering even if it isn't painful. There's a couple times where I've hesitated before doing my own injections even though I do it plenty of times at work and I've done it plenty of times on my own to myself - I was able to push through but I don't think that's a strategy that works for most people (i.e. "lol just ignore it" is terrible advice.) Can anyone else help you? I will also add that when it comes to needle anxiety, the more you play into the memtal block the stronger it's going to get - at some point, if you want injections, you will have to confront it even if you're feeling very, very anxious and scared. Best thing you can do about needle anxiety is repeat exposure. The same goes for my OCD, although checking and rechecking and rechecking (e.g. that the door is locked, the oven is off, the cats water bowl is full, the lights are odf the car door is locked, etc) helps temporarily relieve some anxiety it only makes checking worse and worse for me - I had to relearn how to live with the discomfort of not knowing and trusting myself that I did the thing I was supposed to and that was the actual long term solution.
Maybe you can practice with a syringe with nothing in it? Like no needle attached, just the syringe, fill it with water, press it in on your skin where you'd normally do it, press and squirt water on your skin.
Or, yeah, switch to sublingual or patches! Thankfully E can go in many different routes. You don't HAVE to do injections. It's just convenient that it's once a week.
Can anyone else help you?
No. I am completely alone pretty much all the time.
the more you play into the memtal block the stronger it's going to get
This is my biggest fear. If I don't do the injection tommorow, I fear that I will never be able to inject myself again.
Or, yeah, switch to sublingual or patches
How effective are these methods? The reason I went with injections is cause they are the cheapest and most effective (as I have been told). I'll also have to check the availability of such sources. But I can try. Better than giving up.
"Effectiveness", to me, isn't that big a deal if you're monitoring your levels and have a medical team. Cause they'll adjust up or down depending on your needs, and adjust how often a day you have to take your meds to figure out what keeps you even. You just need estradiol in your serum to feminize, it shouldn't matter where it comes from someone long as you get it in your serum. There is no speed running feminizing HRT, doesn't matter if you do injections, doesn't matter if you take it sublingual, you cannot make it go any faster once your at the correct level.
IM is great because we can get it grey market but also because it lasts so long in our bodies you don't have big swings in levels. I think for me the most expensive was patches, but I bought the brand name patches cause that's the ones that stuck on me the best (SQ isn't so expensive but I just requisition my needles and supplies from work).
Maybe you have a trusted friend you can do your injections with? Yes, you may have to awkwardly ask if they'll do it, better than no HRT though. Yes, sounds like it'll be someone you don't live with so youll have to take it with you or have them come over. If a girl won't inject you with girl juice can we really say she's a friend lol
You can do your injections even with the fear. Deep breaths, nice and calm, your choice of dart motion or nice and smooth in - dart motion with get it in quickly but smooth feels better. Maybe hold someone's hand or a stuffie or literally anything. You can do this. You will be able to retrain your nervous system that this is not an emergency 5 alarm fire, you appreciate the assist nervous system but this isn't a saber tooth tiger scenario, and eventually you will be doing this - or be able to switch to another route. You can do this, a thousand generations of trans femmes are all behind you and rooting for you
if you're monitoring your levels and have a medical team
I can assure you that I do not have a medical team. I signed up for one, but there is a long waiting list.
Maybe you have a trusted friend you can do your injections with?
No, I don't even have a trusted family member to ask. I have a few acquaintances at uni, but that's about it. Half of them however are more likely to report me to the gestapo if that existed here.
You can do this, a thousand generations of trans femmes are all behind you and rooting for you
Tomorrow is the day. The big test. I do well on tests. Shouldn't be a problem. 
I tried to do IM for a bit and the same thing happened to me. So I went back to oral, but to get good results I’d have to take like 4 or 6 a day or something. So I switched to subq.
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I went up to 6mg estrogen and I'm so hungry all the fucking time. I know it's connected both logically and from googling. But it's wild.
your tiddies call to you. "feed me" they say. you got to eat if they want to get bigger
I'm eating for two (breasts)
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this post was submitted on 26 May 2025
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