Alright, I need to write something. It's 7:30am, a day after the episode where I lost my mind temporarily and did an insane anger, a big one where I used a kitchen knife to carve out letters from my totally real and definitely does exist life partner because I assaulted him (...for some reason I was reminded of my first fight with Tyler...) and was arrested for this crime I apparently committed...where tf was I going with that...? Oh yea (sry have to fake stoopid), but I used a knife that could kill a man to rip up keys of this DVORAK keyboard I purchased with my own money on my singular debit card in my birth name that I alone used because my absolutely corporeal and living, breathing, existing life partner who definitely interned with the CIA whom I met in the strangest, most perfect circumstances when I was homeless to thus then acquire >$100k in tax-free finances to thus live indoors for these two-going-on-three years, that real human being has taken vows never to handle any money ever again.
...was that word salad to you people? Must be too complex of an idea. But no seriously, I've just about had it with this life. I had an awful realization, that if I kill my life partner, then I can die in peace, cuz then I don't got to worry about this lovable idiot going through decades of Hell without me. And I, the me I think I am, has literally negative intent to make that ish a reality. I want a good story, dammit! But y'know, I'm looking at the door I ripped off the hinges and punched straight fucking through to scrape a part of my arm around the elbow when taking it out of the door, and I say to myself, "Shiiii....I'm not in control of this fucking choice garbagoo..."
And y'know, free will is a skill, as my one handler in the CIA (Jux) hammered into my head early on, and it really comes down do "Did I drink and do offbrand, over-priced CVS Benadryl?" Cuz if I don't do that, this shit never happens. But if I don't wank it to the thought of utterly reprehensible and unfathomably depraved sexual fantasies with the legal porn on Reddit that doesn't need an ID for some reason here in Joe Arpagio's state he owns, how am I going to prevent myself from asking the cute 40-yo crackwhore flying a sign if I can nut in her behind the Dairy Queen?
...there was actually this very pleasant woman missing her front teeth who had what I might dare to call the beginning stages of that arousing-type of wrinkly boobs in a completely braless tank top that I went out of my way to give the five dollars I had that absolutely would love to rawdog and have been thinking about, but y'know, isn't it great my actually real life partner is still a virgin? But y'know, this rabid frustration I feel from my life partner who has, for literally the majority of our time living indoors together, actively and consciously tried to trigger me by doing things my father would do out of complete compassion to help cure me of my anger...
...because, y'know, when your father is the type of guy to jump on an eighteen year old two months after his whore AIDS wife died (my mom, whom he informed me I would die just like her for being irresponsible after he destroyed everything my mother ever made me (I forgot to take the garbage out; age eleven)), or get a fridge magnet that said "No ifs, ands, or..." and the joke being it's a buncha sexy women in thongs and you tell your son that's the meaning of life, or use your dead wife's life insurance money in conjunction with your son's social security money to buy a Jaguar to one-up your own mother who followed you to buy a Cadillac you already had, well, y'know, when you have a father like mine, it's only natural to have your entire life ruined by the emotional dysregulation caused by the hell realms you suffered in childhood.
But y'know, I just wish my dad cared about me. I mean, he cared a lot when I ran track and I was not allowed to be slow to the point where I was doing three practices a day and incurred some bulimia symptoms in my insane desire for bodily perfection. But now that I only do art and education and he doesn't get to be the cool dad anymore, he's thrown me away.
...like my literally real life partner has done with his mother, and it pisses me the fuck off that the most caring man I know is this heartless to his family. And yea, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY he has cast his mom out of his life; she is literally identical to my grandma in terms of narcissistic domineering. She told me on the way to court for assaulting her genetic and memetic product she shit out her pussy that the clothes I was wearing were the type she does gardening in. It didn't phase me because I'm an autistic tard and didn't realize she was insulting me until days later, but I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHY my father cut contact with his parents to thus subsequently make me lose all five of my grandparents in the shitstorm of losing my mother over and over and over again (he told me once women are like kleenex; age 12ish), but y'know, you can cut me some slack if I rage a bit, y'know? This is why I drink, and likewise sympathize with Jesus. I understand the mother fucker, and if you don't understand what I just said, do you even know what the North Star is?