closeted
Being closeted is tearing me apart. I thought I might be nonbinary when I was 19. I didn't think much about it for a while, then as I hit my 20s and decided I want to conciously be myself instead of just be convenient for others, I realised I really wanted to be nonbinary. I started looking more into alternative fashion and doing my hair differently. But I'm still not out, and this past year its been eating at me. I have a loving group of friends who already accepted one of my friends when he came out as trans, and supportive parents and family. But the idea of coming out still scares me so much.
I don't live in a city where other trans and queer people are visible. I live in rural Ireland, where the most alternative thing you'll ever see is a tattoo, and diverging from conventions is extremely looked down on. I don't like my body, I'm slightly overweight and constantly jealous of skinnier and more attractive people. Coming out at work is going to be fully impossible. I work in a kitchen with pretty intense and competitive people, and there's a lot of toxic masculinity going around.
But I feel like its becoming a danger to my health, the longer I'm closeted. I feel that coming out is something I need to do to save myself, but the act itself is so terrifying. Its not so much that I'm afraid of being rejected, but telling people I'm not who they thought I am terrifies me. I really, really don't want to tell people my pronouns are they/them and police them on that.

This is lore accurate Berdly