depression, recovery, healing is not linear
So for the past few months I've been in a decent mental state, and the past month I've been feeling really good. Today, there were a few small things that annoyed me. My bus was late after the driver went the wrong way, I got rained on, and someone in my group in college was rude to me for no reason. Nothing particularly bad overall, but it was enough to tip me into a little spiral, thinking about all my regrets
I kind of had a falling out with my group of friends in the last city I loved in. It's not like we had a fight or stopped liking each other, I still wanted to be their friend. But I lived with them, I was extremely depressed, addicted to weed and a bad housemate. So they kind of left me behind. They tried to reach out once or twice but I wasn't receptive. I continued to be depressed, and in fact got worse after talking about it, so they kind of just went about living their lives like I wasn't there. They stopped inviting me to things and asking how I was doing. And I didn't reach out much. Toward the end of my time there, I tried to mend some bridges and spend more time with them, but it didn't really work. After we all left, they didnt keep in touch with me. I know for a fact that they kept in touch with each other.
That was over a year ago, and today I'm in a better place than I have been for a long time. I have a brilliant, supportive friend group who I want to spend my life with. I have meaningful connections and an interest in my life. But I guess some malaise got lodged in me, and it showed up today. Just some sadness from the past. That sad chapter of my life has concluded, I'm more grown up now and better at being alive. But scars still hurt from time to time.
I'd like to let go of much of my past, but it forms all of my insecurities. I've slowly gotten more confident recently, but it's still hard. Being alive is still hard. I'll keep doing it, I want to keep going, but it isn't easy
