I dug too deep this time, delved deep and greedy in my unending quest for truth. I hear the helicopters overhead and the black suited men hammer at my door as I type this, pistol in hand, You must know. I need to tell you all the truth, even if they kill me...

So in 1969 NASA landed a capsule on the moon and did the whole "One small step for man" thingy, except seven years later a bloke named Bill Kaysing claimed NASA faked it, and then in 1980 The Flat Earth Society started the claim that Stanley Kubrick did it. Since then it has quickly bloomed into a much more prevalent belief.

It's convincing theory right? They did it in a desperate attempt to get ahead of the Soviets, NASA realised they could only win the space race if they faked it.

What if I told you that you're being lied to?

The man I mentioned earlier, the one who started it all, Bill Kaysing, was a navy officer with no background in rocket science who alleges to have an inside scoop. He claims to've worked at Rocketdyne when they were manufacturing parts for the Apollo mission, and that the projections gave a 0.0017% chance of them making it to the moon. But people took it with a grain of salt 'cos they only have his word for it.

So just going off this navy guy's hearsay wasn't enough for the longest time. And then NASA stopped landing on the moon, and suddenly the scepticism of the moon landing flares up like petrol tossed on a roaring bonfire.

So what happened?

The US government started circulating these conspiracies is what happened!

The stalling of progress for manned missions presented NASA with a difficult situation where they were making new discoveries but none of the flashy ones that'd get 'em the big grant money/public support.

The machiavellian scheme the CIA concocted was a simple one - if you can make the public believe you didn't land on the moon before, landing on the moon again looks way more impressive.

Big government is lying to you with their moon landing hoax hoax!

Do not let them control the narrative!

I can hear screams, crashing, gunfire echoing in my back garden, it appears one of the government cronies sneaking in out back has fallen down the pitfalls I've dug. It's only so long until they break through the front door.

Good luck my friends, and may the truth prevail.

One bleak and rainy morning I was testing my time travel hypothesis. I'd been attempting to cryogenically freeze myself in the frozen chips section of my local Lidl. Unfortunately the science hating Philistines that worked there kept pulling me out. Ultimately they settled to toss me from the shop entirely.

While I was sitting on carpark tarmac, a strange man approached me. His pale skin told me he got his vitamin D from a bottle and his eyes were heavy with the weight of countless sleepless nights, a fellow delver into the mysteries of this world. Wordlessly, he handed me an envelope before fleeing with an alarming turn of speed.

Inside the envelope was the thumbnail image of this post and two words, "solve this". Challenge accepted!

So what we're looking at is apparently called a Fresno Nightcrawler, and to me it looks like someone's trousers have gone walkabout on their own.

Clearly this can't be the case, trousers lack any kind of muscle to do this. Some outside force must be conveying them. Something the camera can't see.

So I packed all my jeans, and took a hot air balloon over to the sight of the alleged sighting - Fresno, California, USA.

It was there that I set into motion my scheme to capture footage of the creature. Not with the camera, but with pen and paper. I'm no artist myself, so I sought the talents of a particularly gifted one to sketch what he saw as he hid in a bush.

And so the night came. My trousers were hung up. Dave the artist crouched in the undergrowth. I left to get snacks and when I returned both Dave and my trousers were gone, but his notepad remained and what it depicted shocked me.

It was vampires all along.

Not just that, but they'd stolen my favourite shorts. Also probably killed Dave.

I am writing this now as I prepare to locate their lair and end their cruel theft once and for all.

My friends, be careful what you spy within the dead of night, it may also spy you.

It has been a fair while since I last graced this comm with my throbbing, pulsating intellect and for that I will apologise. Last time, I dug too deep too fast and suffice to say powerful men had some very pointed questions (and implements) for me. Nevertheless, I have dragged myself free of their clutches only to find my genius is once more needed. Specifically I recieved a letter this morning that read:

Dear [REDACTED],

If you are so smart, how come you don't know how aliens built the pyramids?

Loser!

Sincerely, That Bloke on the TV With the Funny Hair

How did the aliens build the pyramids, eh?

I think I can solve this.

I am not an architect, nor am I capable of lifting a single brick higher than about stomach height, so I sought out people who work in the relevant fields; bricklayers, construction workers, Minecraft letsplayers. Worldly men with much expertise.

I asked them the same question, "How would you build a pyramid?" to which I got many variations on the same response, "please go away, I'm trying to have my lunch break here." although most were somewhat more colourful in how they stated it.

Defeated, I returned to my lair, where it hit me. The trap I'd primed in case the men in black came back, but also a realisation of how the pyramids were built.

This is a complex process, so I have attached some diagrams to illustrate my points, please be aware these are infact artists impressions and not real photos of the pyramids.

OK, ready.

They started from the bottom and worked their way up (see image below).

How do I know this? Simple.

If they'd started at the bottom and worked their way down, the pyramids would either look like this:

Or this:

Now, I initially assumed I had seen pictures of that last one, but experts in the field suggest that this was the byproduct of the strange illusion known as the pyramid being further away in the photo.

If they started at either end and worked their way to the middle, they look like this:

Therefore they must have started from the bottom.

"Oh great one, couldn't they also've started from the middle and worked their way out?" you, a fool, ask. To that I ask, "How did they keep it in the air long enough to slide the bottom in smarty pants? huh, huh."

I rest my case.

Good luck my friends, and goodbye for now.

The dastardly (((cultural Marxists))) were behind this all along it seems.

This entire thread is wild, as liberals desperately seek someone else to blame for Trump's victory.

Glad I'm not an American, this shit's too funny.

Tbh this whole post is a goldmine of cis lemmitors discussing how overly sensitive they think trans people are around pronouns.

Little green men, greys, spacemen, the reptilians that sneak inside at night to piss your bed. Whatever you call them, for a long time now people have been captivated with tales of travelers from other worlds. Reports of extraterrestrial life exists varying from the unconvincing to the slightly less unconvincing.

With such questions of otherworldly beings plaguing the minds of people for so long, it seems it the mantle has fallen to me once more to smart brain my way through this and solve aliens once and for all.

To this end I have read through a staggering two reported alien sightings, and from my studies have drawn a shocking conclusion. Hang close to me friends, we're in for a wild ride.

Case 1 - The Flatwoods Monster

In 1952 in the town of Flatwoods, West Virginia, USA, Earth, three boys said they saw some object streak down from the sky and crash into a field of a local farm. They told their mother, who accompanied them out this field alongside a member of the West Virginian National Guard. As the group crested a hill, they became aware of movement and a pulsing red light. Turning their torches into the woods they saw something that shocked them to their core.

A creature with a hood-like face, bright yellow eyes, and tiny, taloned hands. Now the obvious answer here is that they saw an owl perching on a tree (see below) and in their panicked minds filled in the blanks for them. Either way, they didn't hang around long enough to find out.

"Oh wise one," you cry, "Even one as intelligent as you cannot solve such a vast mystery on the back of one mere event."

You are correct, which is why ~~skimmed wikipedia~~ read exhaustively about a second sighting.

Case 2 - The Hopkinsville Goblin

In 1955, five adults from a farm just outside Hopkinsville, Kentucky, USA, Earth, arrived at a police station requesting help. They claimed they had spent almost four hours fending off a number of yellow eyed, 2ft tall, horned creatures that had been peaking through the windows of their farmhouse. Seventeen police officers arrived at the scene of the battle, but found only evidence of the gunshots the terrified farmers had let off.

The great horned owl, is about 2ft tall, and has head plumage that resembles a pair of horns. They are found all over the Americas, and can get pretty aggressive if disturbed.

"It was owls all along?" you, a fool, ask.

You are blind to something much more sinister afoot.

Owls are not being mistaken for extraterrestrials. Owls are extraterrestrials.

What better way to scout Earth and pry for our weaknesses than to take loftily to the sky and observe from above. Is not a bird's eye view essential for getting the lay of the land.

You worry that I am stretching too far, you worry that I am missing the obvious truth here. You doubt me.

Well I broke into the secretive Area 52 and I have found incontestable proof that I am right, and you are stinky.

I rest my case.

The question now, is what must be done. For all I know, there may be owls amongst us. The invasion may well have already begun. Perhaps by making you aware of this I have placed you all in danger.

Watch your back my friends, but also the sky.

"Liberal elections are like my hecking Star Wars."

(Ironically, they're right 'cos Jedi were centrist tools ideologically unable to tackle any systemic inequality in the Republic's liberal hegemony.)

Edit: don't know how to link specific YouTube comments, but it was in the comments of this video.

Link:

TFW I'm not applauded as an ally by the transpeople I'm actively misgendering.

In my free time I've been playing a bit of Project Zomboid recently and stumbling 'round the McMansions of KY's various towns has made me think about how inherently hostile suburban infrastructure is.

Like, until you can get a car in working order, travel out of and through the suburbs is slow and tiring. Prepare to take days out of your travel time as you run down empty roads, hop fences, and do all sorts of other things I hear gets you shot in the US. As the power goes off and perishables begin rapidly decomposing, you are trapped in a maze-like prison of mankind's making (its occupants only marginally less hostile than a real-life suburb). Seeds are scarce and the only greenery is the copy-paste lawns surrounding you in every direction. If you've thought ahead you've stockpiled your tinned goods, otherwise prepare for a long hike through a world not built for man but instead the machines that they convinced themselves would make their lives easier.

Look how sad he is!

Obligatory cum edit.