CW: Drugs (don't worry y'all, still sober (CBD is the hardest thing I ingested today))(also this is going to be ranty because I'm off meds and have consumed a metric fuck ton of caffeine today)
Going off anti-psychotics is such a clusterfuck, but there are some definite fun parts of the withdrawal. The one I'm most well aquatinted with being that it makes drugs fucking awesome. Well, I'm not on drugs anymore, and that made withdrawal extra hard. Normally I would just drink my way out of withdrawal, and that's how I'd handle it, but this time I handled it much more gracefully, albeit still using substances, just substances I personally feel don't breach sobriety (CBD and caffeine so I'm not burying the lead)
I got two hours of sleep last night because of the withdrawal, so I woke up feeling like shit this morning. I was drowsy and getting brain zaps from being off my meds. I felt like I couldn't do anything. But I had to go to work today, so I showed up and got the energy drink we have on tap (free caffeine, yay!). This resulted in me being straight TWEAKED but not in a fun way, I could do stuff but I was having to talk myself into it for extended periods of time. I was doing things faster than normal, but my work sucked. Well, after 2 hours of this, one of my coworkers gave me $20 to get something from the smoke shop next door to help (they were suggesting I smoke some weed again). They had seen me off my meds and on caffeine before, but last time this happened I was still smoking, so they knew I wasn't just on drugs. I must have looked particularly bad, because they asked if I had taken any Adderall before offering me the $20. I took the $20, but as I've talked about before, I can't go back to smoking weed. Out of all the drugs I've been addicted to over the years, it was one of the worst for my mental health. Well I go to the smoke shop, and along with all the other shit I would love to take but refuse to (7-OH, regular weed, Phenibut) I spot some CBD gummies. Took a couple and got back to work.
They brought me right out of the withdrawal for a bit, but not entirely. See, anti-psychotics heavily dampen your dopamine receptors, I still have my dopamine receptors with substantially lowered tolerance. The mix of CBD and caffeine straight up felt like Adderall today. I'm probably typing like I'm on Adderall. I don't even like Adderall that much, but goddamn if it isn't fun to be off the meds and taking (the softest drugs possible) drugs.
I'm taking my first dose of risperidone in ??? days tonight the second I get home (they're waiting for me there) and going the fuck to sleep until I have to wake up for work tomorrow. I'm probably going to be an entirely different person tomorrow morning. But I didn't use this time being off meds, so I actually have nothing but good decisions to come back to when I'm back on the meds. This feels like the opposite of blacking out and regretting your life choices, this is the first time I've felt this way. Literally in a week off my meds I've addressed every major issue that I've been thinking about daily for the past year, and I haven't made a fucking mess of my life. I can't go off risperidone long term without ruining my life, but goddamn if I'm not happy with how this week turned out
Happy for you! Know how tough being homeless is, I wish you the best of luck