The part that sounds like internalized transphobia is being dysphoric when other trans femmes are "passing better" (Im assuming thats the deal), because youre comparing yourself to them and finding you measure yourself short. We are the worst judges on how pretty we are or how femme looking etc.

And also ultimately at the root of it all is, if you dont think you can start transitioning cause of your mom - ideally the best thing you can do is move away from your mom.

Some of it is "simple" but if youve never done it... it aint. Like raising your soft palette? Is a legitimately weird hard thing to do. But it helps with voice. Some is actually not difficult per se, like putting your tongue up behind your teeth and taking up more space in your mouth in general but it takes concious effort at first which can be a bummer (eventually i swear it starts becoming automatic)

When I was at my worst, I had a method, plan, and time. The only that kept me from it was not wanting someone else to find my body, and that my ex wouldnt take care of our cats (like litterbox or feeding). This is not failure, these are protective factors.

The way youve talked about it is close to someone who is actively bleeding or has a visible tumor. And if I tell you to see a team to get a handle of it, maybe emergency care, and you say no its not that bad. This is like having a visible tumor and saying "eh its not that bad." If you can't or won't see a doctor about it, there are things you can do on your own - but this is getting close to putting bandaids on a tumor. You have to prioritize good sleep, 8 hours, and getting it every single day - even if youre busy or whatever, sleep has got to start coming first in your priority list. You have to eat healthy. You have to start recognizing these cycles of automatic thoughts, and working on alternate supportive thoughts. If you dont know how to, I would redirect you to see a therapist or doctor