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alright gang, we need another win over the news mega this week! keep those numbers up and keep being trans as hell 
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
relationship stuff
Girlfriend wants to have a non-sexual open romantic relationship. I'm having difficulty with feeling horny but think I'll just be celebate as I don't feel safe really dating other people.Not sure how to get through the hornyness. The hormones are changing how I relate to sex but I still like sex.
Is there a definition for this type of relationship so I can find resources for having a non-sexual romantic relationship or resources anyone can share?
For poly in general, the books poly-secure and poly-wise are often recommended (i have not read them but hear them recommended often by therapists specializing in poly couples counseling). Both books are by Jessica Fern.
possible anti-poly/poly-critical thought?
Tbh i kinda feel like anyone who wants to practice any form of polyamory needs to read poly theory beforehand. The vast vast majority of us grow and live in a mono world, and many - if not most - of us arent taught the skills needed for a successful poly relationship. I have several friends who have tried to practice polyamory without knowing theory or even trying to read up on it, and they all hurt their partners and got hurt by their partners. Imo no poly is better than bad poly, and no relationship is better than a bad relationship.As far as your specific situation goes, if i understand you correctly your partner wants to be in an open relationship where she is having a romantic but nonsexual relationship with you and a sexual and/or romantic relationship with one or more other partners.
Is this accurate? If not feel free to disregard this section.
I cant offer advice, but I can offer questions for self reflection.I guess first off i would ask, do you want this kind of relationship? Some people can do poly and some cant, its not good or bad either way. Assuming you do, what would you like out of a poly relationship? What would you like out of this specific relationship with your girlfriend? Safety aside, would you want to date a person/people other than your girlfriend? If yes, what would you want out of those hypothetical relationships?
Apropos safety, you said you dont feel safe dating other people - is that a concern of emotional safety, physical safety, both, or maybe some other type of safety im not thinking of?
You mentioned having difficulty with being horny, and it seems like you maybe are in the process of re-learning what you and your body like and desire from sex, but youre clear that you still enjoy sex. As far as dealing with the hornyness, i would suggest having sex with yourself (i would say masturbating but idk that word feels very genitalia focussed for me, whereas what im getting at is a more holistic thing, engaging with your whole body and mind by taking time to relax, get in the mood, stimulating what youd like how youd like - and on the topic of re-learning, trying different types of stimulation in all sorts of different places; your body has nerve endings all over, and theres all manner of ways to stimulate them!).
Hopefully this is helpful. As I said i cant offer "heres what you do" advice but i hope these questions have been helpful for self reflection. I hope you find a way forward that brings everyone joy
Edit: seconding the recommendation of the ethical slut. That one i have read and its a good book, if a bit old/outdated.
It's more like she doesn't like sex and we've been trying to work the sexual stuff out for years unsuccessfully. The rest of the relationship is good. So if I want to get laid I'm free too.
I just don't know how to deal with my changing expectations about the relationship. Getting horny cuddling for example and how I adjust to that without getting frustrated.
Is she Ace?
Because from what you've said it sounds like she may be
Maybe, maybe more demisexual in the sense that most pie she has had has been within the patriarchal structure and she hasn't found pie she really likes because it's mostly been within that framework. Deferring to me because she perceived me as male and neither one of us finding satisfaction in that. Stuff like that.
As I transition maybe she'll be interested in other pie. And that's been my hope though it's not my only reason for transitioning (I don't want people deferring to me because of perceived gender at all and am enjoying estrogen).
But for now she's wanting time and space to figure it out and in the meantime we're not being sexual and I'm trying to establish boundaries with touching and flirting that work for both of us. Right now that's basically no flirting and touching has been awkward. And the relationship changing has been difficult due to my cPTSD and a lot of traumatic break ups I'm processing, clear back to my parents divorce and the state placing my brother and I with our abusive father.
It can be very difficult from an ace perspective in figuring yourself out and deconstructing what sex means to you and if you can even enjoy or want sex this can be hard to figure out.
Then there is the expectations on top which needs to be deconstructed also along with consent.
The wiki has some information for your girlfriend that may be of use but it can be a long process. It would be advantageous to start there
My wife and I are both acespec and have spent years working through trauma etc.
Thanks! Yeah, there's trauma on both are ends that's made communication difficult. I'll dive into the wiki.
relationship stuff
As many newer books as there are on this, I recommend The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy for being staunchly feminist without being overbearingly lib-brained. Other books will teach you how to shop around, more or less, but The Ethical Slut is about being completely and politically in love. That said, it was written a few decades ago, so it can seem a touch outdated in basic terinology, but the authors don't make an effort to exclude anyone and the advice is often applicable to anyone. More modern books can feel a bit geared to cis/straight couples and their proliclivities and relationship styles in the dating scene despite trying to be inclusive.
I would also recommend The Communism of Love by Richard Gilman-Opalsky. It's not really a book about dating and is moreso a book about understanding human relationships under capitalism, but the topics can be generally applied to polyamory given that it consists of human relationships. The author is an American college professor so his takes on communism are colored a bit by that, but generally his feelings on how communism relates to relationships hold a lot of water. It's good for being able to name your emotions when it comes to being part of a community.
A good list of definitions you'll see often in modern poly circles.
What you seem to be talking about might be platonic or queerplatonic relationships, which is rather normal. But just to clear it up, is the relationship between you and your partner romantic without the sexual component or are you two in a sexual relationship while it's expected that your other partners will be romantic only?
She doesn't like sex basically. So, I'm free to find another partner if I want sex.
I'm mostly trying to figure out what to do with my own sexual energy.
If neither of you have done poly stuff before, there are a lot of potential landmines for jealousy to spring up in this particular scenario. It's important to not catastrophize or minimize jealousy, but treat it like a signal that one or more parties anticipate imbalances. To work through it you have to consider the needs of all parties involved. Ensuring attention is spread evenly takes practice and effort.
To your second point, you're doing well by not acting on impulse and taking the time to think about who you are. What I would suggest is to open your mind to the possibilities, and simulate where they might lead. Your partners will not be predictable. You could find someone who neatly falls into your criteria and is "safe" in that regard. Or you could meet someone who develops impassioned feelings for you over time and, you might find you feel the same way about them. But what would you do if they have desires and you want to rein in it? How would you deal with that friction?
When dealing with people you can't lock them into a mold of your ideals. More relationships = more variables to contend with. You may have to find yourself coming to terms with your libido while looking someone else in the eyes, whether you like it or not.
She's poly and has no jealousy. I'm disabled and a lot less secure
I hadn't given much thought to the third person and how this would land on them. I'm cute and kind but don't even have the material conditions to take care of myself. So, I tend to think of myself as undatable, which is also a big part of my fear, both of being rejected and used for sex. The idea of finding love outside the relationship feels more like a thought experiment in other words, rather than an actionable idea.
I'm hoping my libido will dry out. Or that my gfs will light up. I've been celebate for several months as an adult. Intentionally avoiding self pleasure even. So, I think it's possible for my libido to get the message if I don't feed it. Right now there's a lot of habit energy though and difficult communication with my gf.
The queerplatonic link is helpful and was what I was looking for. Thanks!
Nice! I would still rec the other stuff for thoroughness if you're not familiar. Poly in LTRs tends to be about communication, communication, and more communication.
spoiler
I'm poly but my entire emotional load I can handle is one person and has been for a while, so mostly it's down to the other partner having partners. Even before I knew I was poly, I didn't care if my partners cheated - I would've been like "couldve told me, we could've had a whole orgy etc" I couldn't hinge (be a partner with multiple partners) cause I barely have it in me to have one partner.In this nonsexual open relationship, are you allowed to have another/multiple sexual partners? Or is this all strictly platonic?
spoiler
This is where im at. I (jokingly) call it de jure poly, de facto mono. (Tho lately im kinda feeling like i need to be alone and devote all that emotional energy to myself)
Well there's nothing wrong with that tbh. Especially if you know what's happening.
I cant remember the word but there's a style of poly where you make yourself your primary and your other relationship(s) your secondary.
If you're in a relationship with someone with multiple partners, just make sure you get your time. That means your partner shouldn't only be talking about dates and people they're seeing when they talk to you (like that shouldnt be the subject of the conversation 95% of the time), they shouldn't be texting their other partners when you're having quality time. These other people are important to them, for sure, and it's nice to hear their plans. And maybe one day you can all be invited to a nice lil garden party and hang out and chat. But you should still be getting one on one time with your partner lol
Basically our relationship is now platonic and I can have a sexual partner if I want.
She wants romance but not sex. And I'm used to the two being connected so am having trouble adjusting and trouble with sexual tension/frustration.
So was hoping to find non-critical examples of non-sexual romantic relationships. Stuff that's not dead bedroom brainworms.