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alright gang, we need another win over the news mega this week! keep those numbers up and keep being trans as hell 
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For poly in general, the books poly-secure and poly-wise are often recommended (i have not read them but hear them recommended often by therapists specializing in poly couples counseling). Both books are by Jessica Fern.
possible anti-poly/poly-critical thought?
Tbh i kinda feel like anyone who wants to practice any form of polyamory needs to read poly theory beforehand. The vast vast majority of us grow and live in a mono world, and many - if not most - of us arent taught the skills needed for a successful poly relationship. I have several friends who have tried to practice polyamory without knowing theory or even trying to read up on it, and they all hurt their partners and got hurt by their partners. Imo no poly is better than bad poly, and no relationship is better than a bad relationship.As far as your specific situation goes, if i understand you correctly your partner wants to be in an open relationship where she is having a romantic but nonsexual relationship with you and a sexual and/or romantic relationship with one or more other partners.
Is this accurate? If not feel free to disregard this section.
I cant offer advice, but I can offer questions for self reflection.I guess first off i would ask, do you want this kind of relationship? Some people can do poly and some cant, its not good or bad either way. Assuming you do, what would you like out of a poly relationship? What would you like out of this specific relationship with your girlfriend? Safety aside, would you want to date a person/people other than your girlfriend? If yes, what would you want out of those hypothetical relationships?
Apropos safety, you said you dont feel safe dating other people - is that a concern of emotional safety, physical safety, both, or maybe some other type of safety im not thinking of?
You mentioned having difficulty with being horny, and it seems like you maybe are in the process of re-learning what you and your body like and desire from sex, but youre clear that you still enjoy sex. As far as dealing with the hornyness, i would suggest having sex with yourself (i would say masturbating but idk that word feels very genitalia focussed for me, whereas what im getting at is a more holistic thing, engaging with your whole body and mind by taking time to relax, get in the mood, stimulating what youd like how youd like - and on the topic of re-learning, trying different types of stimulation in all sorts of different places; your body has nerve endings all over, and theres all manner of ways to stimulate them!).
Hopefully this is helpful. As I said i cant offer "heres what you do" advice but i hope these questions have been helpful for self reflection. I hope you find a way forward that brings everyone joy
Edit: seconding the recommendation of the ethical slut. That one i have read and its a good book, if a bit old/outdated.
It's more like she doesn't like sex and we've been trying to work the sexual stuff out for years unsuccessfully. The rest of the relationship is good. So if I want to get laid I'm free too.
I just don't know how to deal with my changing expectations about the relationship. Getting horny cuddling for example and how I adjust to that without getting frustrated.
Is she Ace?
Because from what you've said it sounds like she may be
Maybe, maybe more demisexual in the sense that most pie she has had has been within the patriarchal structure and she hasn't found pie she really likes because it's mostly been within that framework. Deferring to me because she perceived me as male and neither one of us finding satisfaction in that. Stuff like that.
As I transition maybe she'll be interested in other pie. And that's been my hope though it's not my only reason for transitioning (I don't want people deferring to me because of perceived gender at all and am enjoying estrogen).
But for now she's wanting time and space to figure it out and in the meantime we're not being sexual and I'm trying to establish boundaries with touching and flirting that work for both of us. Right now that's basically no flirting and touching has been awkward. And the relationship changing has been difficult due to my cPTSD and a lot of traumatic break ups I'm processing, clear back to my parents divorce and the state placing my brother and I with our abusive father.
It can be very difficult from an ace perspective in figuring yourself out and deconstructing what sex means to you and if you can even enjoy or want sex this can be hard to figure out.
Then there is the expectations on top which needs to be deconstructed also along with consent.
The wiki has some information for your girlfriend that may be of use but it can be a long process. It would be advantageous to start there
My wife and I are both acespec and have spent years working through trauma etc.
Thanks! Yeah, there's trauma on both are ends that's made communication difficult. I'll dive into the wiki.