chapotraphouse

The same job I'm currently doing, because this is hell actually

I worked my entire life and I still gotta work after I die??? This is some bullshit

in charge of the 24/7 ronald reagan torture room and gift shop

I must imagine Sisyphus happy. And once I do, I have to start all over again.

"Pit maintenance" is what's on my job description but I end up doing freakin' evening around here!

I'm the database architect, creating functional templates and a comprehensive system to manage all hell related data. Every day, I send all residents a huge excel file that they have to read and contribute to. It's important you have the right program on your computer so said excel file can pull data directly from your hard drive. To make this happen, you have to give me access to your email contact list. Here I have attached a handy 40 min video detailing how to exactly do this, now let's talk about pop and imap. Better yet, this weekend I've scheduled a 2 day workshop on email migration. Everyone in hell has to attend, but it's OK, I ordered a pizza. One pizza. Vegetarian tofu pizza. But before anyone can eat the pizza, we all have to talk about our feelings and write a poem about said feelings. Then we hug, do mandatory yoga, then talk some more about our feelings.

lava poolboy

I'm a middle level bureaucrat. Someones gotta keep the wheels of hell turning and make sure the correct forms are filled and filed.

I'd be a disembodied skull that sits in a pile that cackles at your joke :)

I pedal the big Machine.

No, I don't know what it does, there's only so much I can see from my seat and I don't get breaks to get up and walk around to peek at the full extent of it.

Accounting.

Need I elaborate?

I stand by the entrance holding a pitchfork, cackling menacingly at the newcomers

I'm making boulder-pushing workout videos (only available on betamax)

I spend all day in a conference room with Satan, telling him what good ideas he has and how epic his memes are.

Debate Christopher Hitchens about the Iraq war for eternity.

Well I have a friend who lives near Hell and he works in a chicken factory, so package corpses I guess.

Flattening mountains of shit into parking lots of shit using nothing but a trowel

I would care for the hell trees and plants

I’m the face in the pillar of flesh that sneers at you when you walk by. It’s really important to me that everyone gets sneered at

i fill the soda machines

I would say torture technician but i think i would probly end up as a Sulfur pool cleaner

I hope to get a chance at demonhood. You better believe I'm gonna use the dark powers of Lucifer himself to torment the bourgeoisie.

Damn, it really would be hell if I needed to work after I died.

If I really had to work I'd want to be the demon in charge of making sinners walk over Legos barefoot.

I'm not even important enough to get my own hellish punishment so my job is to be an extra for someone else's torment.

Hell is other people after all.

poopsmith

I guess I'll be the guy who tells interesting stories but never finishes.

I'm the guy that's constantly doing a collection for something, or has a card for you to sign, or my kids selling cookies

I'm the entertaining clown with a tragic past that ends up smashing one of the embodiments of sin.

Depends on wether I'm being punished or am punishing someone. If I'm punishing someone I'd like to have something to do with the people that step thru doors of a bus or train or metro during rush hour, and then immediately stop, blocking the entrance, despite there being a large crowd behind them that also needs to enter.
Maybe I make them drop stuff right before the train departs? Their ticket, and then I am a ticket controller maybe. Could be fun.

If I'm being punished my job would probably be to endlessly take the metro during rush hour.

sexual mutual aid

I'm going to Hell?
No! Please, I don't want to go to Michigan!

Probably printer support

Im the ticket taker

Can I sharpen things? I'm sure stuff needs sharpening in hell.

intake paperwork

I'm a fat little imp that laughs at the inmates of hells misfortune and gets into comedic hijinks by accident up until a bigger demon comes along and eats me