Telling myself "I'll stop drinking and smoking again after New Year's"

Neglected my upper body shit and just did cardio today but honestly had my best session ever??? Hit 1111 kcals burned on incline treadmill in one sesh and was going for more than an hour without a break

Did good on household chore stuff and the kitties were pretty good today

Feeling weird about myself tbh

Like, not even necessarily bad but odd, I've felt a bit more masc/butch than I usually do lately and I dunno what to make of that

Part of it is presenting kinda more androgynous and spending a lot of time in proximity to gym bros and not wanting to stand out too bad in an uncomfortable way and masking my gender shit and queerness

Part of it could be endocrinology shit from exercising a ton and my levels might be out of whack in a more masc skew

Libido's been higher than usual? Kind of an annoying chore tbh, I've kinda felt like I did fairly early into both of my puberties where it was like "goddamit, seriously again??"

Feel bad about looking at random ppl with some thirst, especially women and feel bad about feeling like my attractions and impulses are too male and feel bad for the women like in the abstract just from being attracted to them

Feel bad about weird smut shit I've looked at that was hot and then immediately off-putting after uh, interest wore of because off uhh, accomplishing the goal there

Have some weird feelings and thoughts about gender and sexuality and idk if I wanna get into them now but idk, feel weird

I neglected some self care grooming shit today just out of exhaustion and feel bad about it

I feel like I'm craving some feminine social interaction and femmy stuff for myself, I don't remember the last time I wore makeup or dressed up or did a manicure and I feel like I'm neglecting part of myself and feel kinda sad about it

Generally lonely and weird feeling

Idk, but I'm glad to be able to post here and interact with you lovely ppl

Weighed myself and I've gained 50 pounds in 7 months. Fucking rough. Like I'd prefer to be healthier but I wouldn't mind being this weight, the main issue is most of the fat still goes straight to my stomach, so it just makes me feel dysphoric. Need to get back into exersizing and watching what I eat. Maybe that'ld help with my depression too.

outside force #1 - state department of births deaths and marriages. (probably bad opsec but fuck it) i was born in the only state in the country that still requires bottom surgery to change the sex on my birth certificate. i don't vote in their elections, i've spent less than a fifth of my life living there, i will never willingly go back, but my legal sex depends on their government policy. there's ways to get around this mattering too much (i.e. passport gender marker) but that requires another series of processes that i've been putting off. the consequences of this were most apparent when the lady updating my legal name on my driver's license asked if i wanted to update my title. i said "yes, of course please" and she typed some shit on her computer before sighing and responding "sorry, i actually can't change it to Miss since your birth certificate states your sex is male." fuuuuuuuuuuck... so these fuckwits say that i'm not legally able to stop being male until i can find someone to fuck around with these gonads i've been blessed (cursed) with? oh and these laws are still standing under the "more progressive" party's state leadership? wow that's so cool

outside force #2 - my partner... ughhh i don't really want to go into this one so i'll keep it short. i love my partner, she loves me. she loves me as a woman, she treats me like a woman, she even fucks me like i'm a woman but she's against "non-necessary surgery". she's scared of the risks and doesn't like the idea of me disliking a part of my body so much that i would undergo expensive, intensive surgery to change it. she's come around to "you do want you want" but i still can't discuss it with her and i really need to talk about this shit with someone (preferably with the person that knows me better than anyone else). i got questions like "do i find someone here or go to Thailand?", "do i want a full vagina or would i be happy with just a labia?", "how do i know this is what i really want?", "what does recovery look like?", "how will this impact our sex life?", and i can't answer them all on my own

(bonus round!) outside forces #3 - family. i've never liked the idea of the tracheal shave. i don't love the prominence of my larynx but i've never been told it looked bad. considering my entire appearance, it is the feature i pay the least attention to. yet, it seems like the closest family i have feel they have the right to ask "so are you going to get surgery for your ~Adam's~ ~apple~?" or casually drop "you know, nobody could tell if it wasn't for your ~Adam's~ ~apple~." i didn't know that people had the power to create a new dysphoria in my mind after months of transitioning but here we are ¯\(ツ)/¯

so what can we learn from all of this? idfk; death to cis, abolish gender, fuck the state? if you have better ideas do let me know :3. i'm not feeling too sad about most of this, mainly just angry but without any kind of outlet (except you peeps, ily trans mega <3)