Hiiii!
Today: a short yap about computer hardware:
Damn I love the AM4 socket its so upgradable yay, bought a Ryzen 9 5900X for our old desktop soon to be homelab and so excited for it.
Computers are fun! ~~(and expensive)~~
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pregnancy dysphoria and thoughts on suicide
Anyone else get really sad that they'll never get to have kids? It makes me want to end my life honestly. Idk it feels like most of my life plans are basically unachievable. Like what am I supposed to do with this... I can't fathom wasting my time living till I'm 80 or something.Idk I sometimes feel like I'm destined for suicide. Like it's something that's unchangeable no matter what I do. It's not like I'm even terribly depressed or sad at all currently, it's just a thought I get quite often even when not suicidal.
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Every fucking day. It’s something that haunts me and will do so the rest of my life.
There’s nothing more I want to do with my life than to create one and raise it. It feels like my whole life’s purpose and I can never fulfill it and it kills me on the inside. Such a strong maternal instinct that can never be fulfilled.
To be honest, this feeling is generally a very central part of my dysphoria and severe depression most of the time. It hurts. A lot.
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Yess you get it. It feels so fucking terrible, just a big black hole in my life. Just knowing it's impossible no matter what I do absolutely destroys me. I just find myself wondering what I'm even doing with my life, like what is the meaning of all this bullshit when I'll never get to achieve even a fraction of my dream.It has also become one of the absolute worst parts of my dysphoria. I'd be able to cope with the rest of my awful body if I could at least have kids, but as it is there is no upside to this awful existence. It's literally just misery through and through.
I hope you are doing okay in spite of the dysphoria❤️
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I've felt destined for it for years and years at this point. Its been so long since I thought I'd make it. Its going to happen at some point and I don't feel like I can avoid it.spoiler
It's honestly such a terrible feeling. I hope you are doing okay in spite of it❤️spoiler
I do want to have children, but I made my choice and couldn't afford to freeze sperm. I would've killed myself, frankly, if I didn't transition so not picking that was not a real option.Fortunately there are many ways to have a family where you don't get pregnant. And concerns and intense grief over fertility is something you share with a loooot of cis women, the feminine mystique is very strong. That doesn't take away the grief of not being able to be pregnant. Only to let you know that many of us share the same struggle. Living your life without being able to be pregnant is a life worth living, you can still have children but even if you don't - there are many ways you can improve childrens' lives.
When I was growing up, I was very sure I didn't want children. I even tried to get snipped at 18. Anyway, turns out I really didn't want to be a dad but being a mom would be great! It didn't work with my long term ex and I think I'm starting to get beyond any chance of biological kids. I've thought about adopting or fostering for reunification, I dunno. I have the kids at work (I'm a peds nurse) and that's working for me so far.
For what it's worth, the first children that have been born to women with uterus transplants have already been born, they're like 5 to 10 years old. They just don't allow trans women to have the procedure, but it's something that's happening right now. Maybe like a 12 year old trans girl will be able to get it 15 years from now or maybe in the next 5 years it'll be more open. We have the same blood vessels, we can take immunosuppressants, we can get the organ.
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Yeah I definitely get that, but at least cis people get to be cis. I'd honestly give anything to be cis, if reincarnation was proven to be real I would kill myself instantly as I see no worth it this current life honestly, it feels like a waste of my time.I felt the same growing up, I didn't really care about relationships or kids, but now it's often on my mind. I don't really hold a lot of hope in regards to uterus transplants, I'll most likely be too old if it ever happens, and with the backsliding of trans rights and general animosity towards trans people basically everywhere it seems like a pipe dream.
Idk it might just be one of those days. Tomorrow I'll be mentioning that I'm trans to the guy I went on a date with recently and statistically I'll get rejected afterwards so that doesn't help my mood a whole lot X_X
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Personally, I love being trans. I love waking up and getting to be a woman, I love the gender euphoria. Cis people don't really get that. I get wishing you'd been cis but personally I'm really glad I got to be transgender ♡. It's one of the best part of my life! There's hard parts but mostly that's from society being oppressive, not anything to do with being trans itself. Being trans, to me, is about joy.Hope your date goes well~
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I guess I see what you mean, but idk I still feel like I'm not a woman even though I live my life as one and am seen as one. Generally I don't care what society thinks of me, most of my dysphoria seems inherent and stems from my body. E.g. the thought of having a prostate and XY chromosomes makes me feel sick to my stomach, or looking in the mirror and seeing how puberty mangled my body. If I had the choice between life as a trans woman or never having been born, I'd rather never have been born honestly.Thank you, but I doubt there will be a second date after I tell him that I'm trans :(
And sorry for the negativity😅
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Negativity is okay, it's certainly your feelings! Feel them. I would challenge you on your despair though. You are already a woman (and a real one) and you are already everything we need. The time will come where everything that has happened to you will have made you the perfect person for some crisis or some relationship.I would challenge your self-conception of "not being a real or proper woman" because of XY chromosomes or other body stuff. What constitutes hegemonic femininity and the feminine ideal and the feminine mystique is a construction of a patriarchal and racist society - proper hegemonic femininity is very white and very rich. There are women, who are cis, who have XY chromosomes but are androgen insensitive. You'd never tell them they're not women - do not tell yourself that. You'd never tell a black woman with broad shoulders who dresses butch she doesn't count as a woman - to not tell yourself your a woman because you feel the weight of puberty or preusmably seeming secretly masc.
Grieving over infertility is normal. You're in good community with many women, cis and trans.
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Idk I'm stunted due to anxiety and depression, not sure I'd be perfect for anything other than being a work-a-holic. I kind of hope I die of a heart attack in my 30s or something, until then I can cope by sinking all my time into studying and working.I'd never judge another woman to not be a proper woman. I direct those feelings towards myself because I am disgusted by myself and my body.
Idk I should probably just go to bed😅
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It's funny because I absolutely hated the idea of having kids before I transitioned, but now I really wish I could. I've mostly made my peace with never having biological kids, there's a lot of other things I also want to do in my life, but it still hurts now and then.spoiler
Yaa I get you, I didn't care about relationships or having kids at all pre-transition. I felt so disconnected from my life.When I was earlier in transition it bothered me, but I feel like I couldn’t handle the responsibility and my desire for it has waned because of that.
My desire for it has only increased, especially since making it out of the early transition phase and now passing consistently. The thought definitely seems scary, but ideally you'd be sharing the responsibility with a partner. If I could have kids I would be determined not to repeat my parents mistakes. I'm also quite good at balancing many things and generally being responsible for many things, so I think it would be something I could handle, but I'll never know :(
Same CWs
Pregnancy has never been on my radar but I totally get the feeling of hopelessness dysphoria gives you when it comes to things that are not currently changeable, it can be really cruel sometimes. And if it has already gotten so bad for you that you’re feeling suicidal, then I would heavily advise you to get professional help, if that’s an option for you.Because you’re still in your early 20s. You still have all your life ahead of you. So many things can change in just a few years even if they seem out of reach for now. When I was your age, I thought that I would never be able to get HRT and completely lost hope. But my dad managed to convince me to keep trying and even though it took 5 years, I finally got it in the end.
The same could be true with you having children. Uterus transplants are already a thing for cis women and I think it’s only a question of time that it will be accessible for us too and as I said: You’re still very young and you have lots of time left.
And even if it turns out to not be feasable, there is still the option of adoption or maybe surrogacy if that’s legal in your country. You’re not going to experience pregnancy this way, but breastfeeding can also give you motherly feelings.
So I hope you can handle your dysphoria for now and maybe stumble upon a solution that works for you in the future. Wish you the best.
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I can't get professional help for at least the next 8 months as I'll have a very high risk of being denied surgeries if I have any mental health issues listed in my health journal. And generally I don't trust the healthcare system in my country at all so I'll likely never seek help for my mental health. And I'm not actively suicidal at all, so I'm not in any danger right now.Yeah, but the life ahead of me seems like a waste of time. Idk what I'm supposed to look forward to, like I have career aspirations and other things I want to do, but overall it seems meaningless. I'll never be cis which is the one thing I truly want.
I'm not really hopeful in regards to uterus transplants. I'll probably be in my 30s if it ever becomes a reality and I'd likely be out of consideration. And knowing my country it would not be offered at all.
I've thought about adoption, but adoption seems to be rife with issues. I recall reading posts by people who were adopted who were basically against adoption, but idk. The main issue also seems to be that adoption in my country takes 3+ years for single people and being a single parent is very tough.
Idk I guess my mood is scuffed since I'll have to bring up being trans to a guy I went on a date with recently tomorrow and statistically I'll be rejected, so yaa another wonderful thing about being trans...
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Damn, completely sucks that you’re being denied access to such an important thing because even if you’re not actively suicidal, you shouldn’t take these thoughts lightly.But professional help also includes social workers. They could probably help you find something that you could enjoy in your life and keeps you motivated. The one I’m seeing is offering me a plethora of different group activities and options that could be interesting for you too. Maybe it’s worth taking a look at that.
Regarding uterus transplantations: 30s is not too late at all. The cis women that got one were mostly around that age. And if your country’s healthcare system doesn’t pay for it, there’s still the option of paying it out of your own pocket. It’s currently about 100.000€, so not tooooooo bad. Definitely doable if your income is a bit higher.
And I also took a look if surrogacy is an option in Denmark and it seems that if there’s no money involved it’s legal. So if you can’t get your hands on a uterus and adoption is still not an option for you in the future, you still have that possibility.
Yeah, dating as a trans person is a nightmare, especially as a straight woman. Completely understandable that you’re feeling that way.
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Yeah Denmark is an awful country. Idk I don't really care about these thoughts, I feel kind of messed up like sometimes I actively want to get worse, but I managed to mostly get my life back on track so I'll hopefully not screw it up again.I don't think I'm sick/dysfunctional enough to qualify for help by social workers. From the outside looking in I'm highly functional and most of my friends are shocked by how many things I manage to balance in my day to day life. And I don't trust the municipality either, so I won't seek help there either, it's too risky to do before I hopefully get the last surgery covered.
I might be able to save it up, but currently I'm saving up for 2nd FFS and possibly some other surgeries. The government also shafted me with a recent reform, so it complicates it a bit. I was thinking of moving to the US after finishing my degree, but I wouldn't be able to save much there for at least the first 5-6 years, so I'll have to decide on what to do as I don't want to stay in Denmark if possible.
Yeah I hate dating honestly, it's so terrible. Either the guy is a chaser or he'll reject me for being trans😭
Moving to the US seems like a questionable choice right now. I would take a look at Canada, New Zealand or Australia.
Erin Reed, who rates US states on trans risk, keeps saying Australia is the best English speaking country for trans people to migrate to in the long term. I don’t know what metrics she uses and so am somewhat baffled as an Australian there but it is probably better than the UK or Canada.
Yeah I was hoping Trump wouldn't win, but I'd be moving in 6 years if at all, so I'll have some time to see how the situation develops. Canada is not a possibility, but Australia and New Zealand are viable options though they are more restrictive in regards to what I could do with my degree. I'll have to see what happens, if by some miracle I'm in a relationship by the time I finish my degree I might stay in Denmark.