"FIRMLY GRASP IT!" Patrick stabs injured Squidward with jellyfish net handle

"East? I thought you said Weast" "That's west, Patrick"

Patrick scraping the floor with upside down broom Krusty Krab customer: "Did you just blow in from stupid town?"

(All from Spongebob)

And scenes in SpongeBob where characters just randomly explode.

(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)

Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man

There's a Winnie the Pooh episode where the characters are playing on Christopher Robin's train set and the episode turns into a parody of a stereotypical Western with a train robbery and a Western town with a saloon and jail and all that.

In one scene they're on the train and one character (I think Pooh, but it might be Piglet) appears out of nowhere. Another character questions his sudden, impossible appearance on a moving train in the middle of the desert and and Pooh/Piglet responds "it's a fantasy"

I don't know why that dumb joke stuck in my head, but sometimes when life gets to be too much I randomly think "it's a fantasy" and things don't really matter anymore or have to make sense.

One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:

"Hey [Name], can you get this done?"

"Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?"

".... I don't know?"

"Exactly 😎 👉 👉"

"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

This one's been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says "blank-ass blank" I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say "that's a big-ass ball" I'll ask them "what's an ass-ball? And why is it big?"

https://xkcd.com/37/

It's something a friend of mine used to reply when people would say "Jesus fucking Christ!"

He'd immediately reply "That's impossible!"

Homer Simpson thinking to himself:

"Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut."

"$20 can buy many peanuts."

"Explain how."

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.

"Supplise!"

Its from this dumb racist joke I heard as a kid:

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLISE!"

30 years later my partner and mother of my 2 children is Asian. Despite her best efforts her English is not great. We are a bilingual household, and this type of silly mis-spoken word thing comes up a lot.

Every time I read the word "supplies", like yesterday my printer alerted me that I need to order supplies, I have a little chuckle imagining an Asian guy jumping out and surprising me.

Its lame. Its based on a racist stereotype. I dont make fun of people with language difficulties. But I will always find this joke worth a chuckle.

A student turned in his test with a $100 stapled to it, with a note “$100 = 100 points = A.” He got the test back with $50 stapled to it and a note “$50 = 50 points = F”

Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”

That will stay in my head forever.

There was a terrible standup bit that I loved. I believe it was from An Evening at the Improv.

Guy is doing a bad private eye shtick: "Either this man was stabbed to death with a spoon, or his entire body is breaking out in little smiles."

I have searched online for the clip for literally over a decade, and I know this because I searched once a few years ago and found... myself asking the exact same question on a forum a decade earlier.

Whenever anyone says "you can't really tell" I'll immediately hear "especially when I twirl them like this". Because lines from finding nemo will be stuck in there forever.

How the turn tables.

-micheal scott

Spongebob: Patrick, your genius is showing!

Patrick: [Covers crotch] Huh, where?!

From the greatest sports parody movie ever made, BASEketball (1998):

Squeak: I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I'm outta here!

Anyone: "guess what"

Me: "chicken butt"

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

Edit: I'm also fond of:

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

When you're right, you're right, and when you're right.......you're right

I always have one joke at the ready, it was a quip between party members in dragon age 2:

"An elf and a dwarf walk into a bar, the elf looks at the dwarf and says 'you're lucky you're so short, that hurt like hell!"

"I always wanted a briefcase that attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright." - A "joke" from Mitch Hedberg.

Everytime I hear that it's been ten years since X, I hear Jeremy Piven in Grosse Pointe Blank.

What do you call a bra stretched across a doorway?

You're excited? FEEL THESE NIPPLES

“What killed the dinosaurs?

THE ICE AGE!”

Mine is: "Ah ha, ah ha, the letter two my friend." (SNL celebrity jeopardy)

So many. One in particular counts to mind right now.

Walking home at 4 am with a friend when he breaks the silence with:

“You know, sometimes people think I’m strange, but then I just look at them weird.”

Then proceeded to silently walk until I had time to process what he had just said.

It really struck a chord with me at the time and I guess forever. i laughed a lot. Like the silent ribs hurting laughter. I still think about it every now and then and chuckle.

“Here’s a guy who when he puts on his glasses he can see better!”