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spoiler
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I finally managed to finish reading all 2334 chapters of reverend insanity. Holy hell what a journey and what a book.
Idk what to read next.
The author made 2 other series, which he also didn't finish (lmao, this author has 3 back to back really famous book serials that he hasn't finished). Yeah this guy is kinda like the GRRM of chinese web novels.
In light of today's events :)
spoiler
I feel relieved now.
I'll just cut my ties with family after paying off my student debt.
Still a few years away from that.
But glad to know that the hatred I held in my heart for my parents since I was 14 wasn't just an edgy phase, it was fully justified. (Well ok dad is still remaining).
I shouldn't be crying. I should focus my time on enjoying being alone. Many benefits to it.
hugs back
Thanks. I'll stop crying now.
re:
It sounds like they let you down in just about every way they could. I'm so sorry for how they've treated you. There's a lot that can be said about found family, but processing things however feels best is what matters now.
I've been there with former family too, so like JBB said you're not alone.
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What you did was hard and fraught. I've been putting coming out to my folks for because I expect a similar reaction. You're not alone.
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Hope your folks can beat the odds. Makes such a big difference.
bad coming out story
I came out to my mom
She started begging me not to transition
Why the fuck did I hope for anything?
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I knew. I knew what it was going to be like.
spoiler
She started going on that "god forgive me what have I done" rant and as soon as it started I hung up the phone.
Oh no. I'm so sorry. I hope she comes around and still loves you
I don't care anymore. She used to beat me when I was a child. She screamed at me in the public for the dumbest things. Now this. Even though she knows I've been having a rough time. She can go screw off.
Oh. Fuck that wtf.
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I should have trusted the logical side of my brain which knew this was a bad idea. But I got too emotional and she was buttering me up with "you can tell me anything. I know you've been down for a while now"
What you did was very brave. I wish it hadnt turned out how it did but you do have quite some wherewithal and spunk to do it
you can tell me anything
number one sign that you actually can't tell that person anything 
I gotta try to do stuff, but it's so hard to motivate myself and do something right now
If you do stuff I'll give you a hug. Ok? Go do stuff
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Closet was the right place for me. At least I didn't have to worry about things. Now I gotta deal with the fall out what I've said and no idea of how to deal with any of it. Ain't nobody teach me any equations for this, nor do I got "fuck you" money to cut connections.
To the trans person looking at this, scrolling on that phone in bed, rotting like me:
We're here. At least, i am. You aren't alone. The world's a scary place and you feel alone. That's natural, comes with feeling so isolated. It's going to be okay, we can be lonely together <3
Went with 3 trans friends to see a film made by another trans friend of ours and like everyone there was so queer and it was great!
Also I'm so hot now :3
The wallace and gromit movies are the only real culture 
has ever produced CMV
So as I've posted about before, I've been on a bit of a kick of researching endocrine system info and stuff like that. And its fuckin garbage how many options there are for masculinizing vs feminizing. There's a shit ton of anabolic steroids, peptides, whatever else. Literal endless options that work in different ways and do slightly different things. Trans fem there's like, prog and some options for losing weight (pio, glp1). Why aren't there a dozen funny drugs people tell me not to take that give me bigger tits or something. I know feminizing my voice isn't possible like steroids can masculinize it but idk. Gimme something. In cis women its all birth control shit.
Also still feeling super fucking negative is anyone surprised
just being pissed, dysphoria
Sorry I know this is shitty but I feel super shitty inside. No one here really made me feel this way I just have been for a while.
I wish E did more. I wish I could just take it for a couple years and pass and look cis and not have to do anything else. Like laser is kinda whatever, 1500-2500 or whatever and some pain and shit isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things. With working and living at home I have enough saved I'm not worried about that. Voice and all the things I have to learn. There's too much shit I have to do to transition. And a lot that even effort can't do.
I don't even really consider voice training to be effort because its not possible but whatever. You get the point. I just want to shoot up hormones and get to be a woman.
Also like I wish the mental effects for me were as good as they are for some people. Distinctly remember at least one person telling me after starting hrt her depression just went away. I definitely feel better then on T but I'm still miserable and depressed. Why the fuck wouldn't I be.
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Why am I miserable and dysphoric and hating being trans and suffering and everything all the time. Why are so many people happy and I'm not. I haven't been. I don't feel any hope of being happy. Why did this happen to me. Why is my brain like this. Why is everyone else okay.
spoiler - talking about my own suicidal ideation
I suspect part of what is making things significantly harder is you still have to deal with misgendering (like incidental by people who dont know you and while youre boymoding etc) and life in the closet. You did start HRT and came out yo a few key people which is dope!
HRT for me was like a low dose antidepressant. I still had the stressors in my life that I had, my ex, school, nursing, etc. I still considerd suicide and had a plan and a time picked out. But it was much easier to deal with while I was on estrogen than it was ever before and part of that, for me, was that I could name my emotions and felt them in a much more fine grained way besides also just the relief of being on HRT. I said it but Ill say it again, it was like the emotional equivalent of wearing glasses for the first time after a lifetime of being nearsighted.
Things are hard for you, and you do seem profoundly depressed being transgender aside. I do hope you continue to attend support group, find some therapy, keep up taking those transition steps. You said you are feeling better (than on T) which is a good sign, things are moving in the right direction even if its still quite difficult and dark.
I wish being trans made me happy or was even neutral instead of making a miserable inconsolable piece of shit but here we are
current events
saw a comment here talking about how bad things could get in the states and it always scares me so bad
fuck this shitty life and shitty world. never going to get to be happy. I fucking hate my life. I hate that I was born.
We have to live in spite, to hold onto one another, not lose one another
We lost far too many people as is, we should take care of eachother wherever we can, however we can
it's barely been my third month on E.. so much changed already. I felt self love, confidence, hate, sadness - all of them proper for the first time ever. unfortunately coincided with vials being harder to access nowadays, thanks a lot turkish government...
it's a beautiful thing, to be trans.. but.. i wish i could do more to help my community than doing what i can in my situation
Oh shit I'm sorry, I saw the current events over there and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Well, someone has to live and help whoever she can to alleviate her friends. T blockers are hard to come by, anything other than pills are insanely expensive too. Having to import medication due to artificially low supply and high costs is demoralizing but hey i get to meet people i've only spoken to online.
I know another girl in the same area. Same age, but, she's too scared to start her hrt journey.. hopefully i can get the medication delivered to her in some way
I always thought the succubus t girl thing was a little overplayed. I like being mlre of a vampire. But after bottom surgery... now I want a womb tattoo lol
Been doing some stretches lately. I've always been flexible, but I want MORE, and it's working... a little
T made me pass super early into transition, and now that I’m 3 years in and my top surgery scars have faded really well, I really like how I look and I’m so grateful I ca be stealth but I just wish I was taller lol. I’m fine being 5’3 but eeeeeverybodyfucking else feels the need to comment on it. I have tattoos and facial hair and I’m obviously an adult but I still get called buddy by everyone my age and older and everyone thinks I’m younger than 21 and it pisses me off lol.
And whyyyyy do people comment on my height as if I don’t know I’m short. And why do they gossip about how short a male customer/coworker is like I’m not right there lol. Shit is so demeaning, why do people care about height so much 😭
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