Yesterday (its 9am my time) i went to a distant part of my city to grab t-blockers from a transgirl that came from another country. We hung out together for 8 or so hours. I felt my heart sink when i watched the train they were in slowly take off the station... then i went to meet up with another transgirl alongside my partner. I met both these transgirls for the first time, we talked online for a while but... this was the first time i actually saw them face to face. I gave this other transgirl -the one i met up with my partner- half of the t-blockers i had.

This morning she told me she's starting her HRT. She even posted the date in our dms. Sweet girl..

But.. last night.. my partner began chastising me for loving transgirls - as if i don't love enbies. They made me feel ashamed of being trans altogether and in particular transfemme. I already have trouble accepting and loving myself.. i can barely do those things while still struggling to exist every day. I've taken up drinking this past week, but, i stopped at the request of my partner. I feel ashamed of myself for being maternal, for fostering trans kids online and taking care of another one irl now. I feel ashamed of myself for being a bad partner, because they talk to me like i don't do anything to support them, like i don't love and appreciate them.

I'm hurt. Deeply hurt by everything going on in my life. I'm overworked and paid minimum wage during a staff shortage. HRT might be banned any day across the nation. In autumn i start university, which i had my application frozen due to some shenanigans around a language proficiency test. I got kicked out of one of my major support groups due to something that isn't even in my control, thankfully some of the people there care enough that they still want to be here for me. The last time i asked my partner for emotional support i recieved a 4 minute audio file chastising me for not being appreciative of their love and support alongside a wall of text elaborating on that audio. Everything happened over the course of the last 3 weeks too. Too little time for too much.

It's 9AM right now and i have work in 4 hours. The half-empty vodka bottle calls to me