Been reading my Feinberg
mutual aid question
spoiler
Is it worth putting a post in if the method you can get cash in isn't cash app or PayPal?
Idk if I should post there, I want to take testosterone but I see posts in the comm and they have it a lot worse than me. idk what to do
Cw: venting, depression, bad vibes idk
Today has been rough. Work has been insufferable. Dysphoria is eating me, because I can't see any way of becoming the person I want to be, or even taking steps towards that, in the near future. I might have been holding in some feelings. This sucks. I need a better job. I need a way to move out and live by myself. I need to live in a country that does not gatekeep trans Healthcare behind a year of waiting for no reason. Not like waiting in line, just: no, you need to see this doctor for a year before taking any hormones. I'm going to go take a bath (and cry).
latest fantasy: LLMs or something better become sapient, turn out to be super-woke (despite the proclamations and elon meddling), and use bio-nanotech to just instantly give us the genders we want because it takes 0.0001% of their capacity to do
you think it's a kill bot but it's actually the Gender Drone at the door
(the FALGSC drones are the kill bots, and we know where they are going)
fucking whiffed it at karoke last night after putting in my name too late, waiting two hours to go on stage, then getting to drunk to nail the last third of who can it be now?, now I must return to karaoke night next week with a vengeance and I don't know what to sing
Feeling like I'm at step 2 again or maybe at need to figure out step 4 now
The pads in my bras have dislocated and are causing me to behave in funny ways. I wish bras with removable pads were designed better. The pad shouldn't just be something you shove in (leading to it moving around or even folding). It should .... huh. How would a more robust design look like? Velcro? Laces?
custom print bisexual pride flag that says "it's adam and eve not adam OR eve"
How are you so funny
CW vaguely dysphoric/discussion of addiction
i hide away from this megathread sometimes because yall make me fiend for E. like the part of my brain that likes drugs (it's a big part) reads everyone's experiences and combines with the gender dysphoria to produce cravings that remind me of the years after i got off of heroin. which then immediately makes me freak out a bit because wtf.
besides general fear of permanent dependency and the political situation (my own is very precarious as well), i think this is what is keeping me from even going for DIY meanwhile i know all my drug use, past and current, was either to mask dysphoria, cope, or make me feel more femme (cannabis, mdma).
anyone that reads this please keep talking about your experiences this is my own brain to deal with. i already got a vial of E and sat on it then shipped it to a former co-worker worried about loss of access.
i'm only "dependent" on one thing now, kratom, and i've cut my doses 60% in a slow taper. once i'm done i'm going to be agonizing over whether i should finally do this, and can i stockpile enough.
Went to Mom's funeral the other day.
Holy shit I look just like her younger photos.
I mean, I remember someone told me I wouldn't become a cute anime and and would just look like my Mom, but it's really striking. Even as later transitioner I basically just look like if she went to the gym and got yolked shoulders from lifting. 🤷♀️
I keep waking up in the middle of the night wanting to snuggle up with my partner (who isn't my partner anymore)
beep boop i am the update robot
THE TRIP
its ok we'll figure it out. last time was copious amounts of checklists and we only almost got trapped in a city we don't know anyone in overnight and only 3 of the four flights were rescheduled. but apparently there are puppies at my parents' house ... i just like being at home and hate travelling.
bottom surgery
apparently i got an email yesterday from the clinic that wants to book me so now i need to figure that out - is it really gonna be worth all the pain for me? who knows ... lots to think about, like also having to get electrolysis done for like a year beforehand, ugh
::: spoiler gamedev
i just kinda clicked some buttons in blender to make a simple idle animation for the shitty sword in my game, and then loaded it into Bevy. the animation stuff in Bevy took me a while to grasp (why does AnimationGraph::from_clip(...)
return a tuple of (graph, node_index)
instead of a single value, for instance? it finally made sense once I got it working of course, the node appears to always be 1 since there's only one clip inside the graph I'm making, and it points to the point in the graph that the clip was put to. confusing at first, not really well documented IMO, i am very excited for the official Bevy Book to be not a secret link and also have a section on animation.
anyway i can't figure out how to post the video but now when you pick up the dumb test sword it has an idle animation that just bobs a bit, and the animation set is defined in the spec i showed before. of course, all the animations will be living on the viewmodel (for first person animations) so referencing them by index is right out, but it turns out that the Gltf
type has a named_animations
field so I can iterate through those and build a little HashMap
to store them:
#[derive(Resource, Default)]
struct ViewModelAnimations(HashMap<String, (Handle<AnimationGraph>, AnimationNodeIndex)>);
fn build_animation_lut(
mut er_loaded_viewmodel: EventReader<AssetEvent<Gltf>>,
handle: Res<ViewModelHandle>,
gltf_assets: Res<Assets<Gltf>>,
mut graphs: ResMut<Assets<AnimationGraph>>,
mut view_model_animations: ResMut<ViewModelAnimations>,
) {
for event in er_loaded_viewmodel.read() {
let AssetEvent::LoadedWithDependencies { id } = *event else {
continue;
};
if id != handle.0.id() {
continue;
}
let gltf_asset = gltf_assets.get(id).unwrap();
for (name, clip_handle) in &gltf_asset.named_animations {
info!("discovered named animation {name}");
let (graph, index) = AnimationGraph::from_clip(clip_handle.clone());
let graph_handle = graphs.add(graph);
view_model_animations
.0
.insert(name.to_string(), (graph_handle.clone(), index));
}
}
}
then it's a trivial matter to actually play them later using the AnimationPlayer
added to the scene automatically by Bevy (since it has an Armature)
Just saw a bird get a worm, went from just calling it a dirty birdy to I will say tho I been up earlier than this bird. The bird got the worm at around 8:47 my time so just saying not that early
jane remover is crazy talented, ghostholding has been on repeat this past week and I didn't realise it was them the first or second time. that, and their main stuff, and dariacore etc? crazy
Like 22 pages into Foucault's pendulum and
spoiler
It just reminds me of all the people going off the deep and because of AI now
I don't mind it but the timing of when I picked it up yesterday is funny.
spoiler
Idk I've just come to distrust ai in general, it was neat at first but not even accounting for the waste it can just make shit up. People falling for it got a lot of things going on but the hyper alienation we feeling isn't helping
Riddle me this math nerds: all sets of poo poo contain pee pee but not all sets of pee pee contain poo poo, what am I?
pee pee is a proper subset of poo poo
I posit that there are 3 layers of the mind. The linguistic mind, the executive (or concious) and the subconscious.
The middle layer, the consciousness "experiences" reality through sensations. It processes sensations and generates controls for the body, like moving your muscles, or ... mostly moving your muscles. It also can recall and make memories, and processes emotions.
I am saying that the consciousness is actually separate from the "top layer" which processes language and logic. This is the layer where beliefs and thinking first start, and the process of "internalisation" consists of having the logical patterns on the top layer of your mind affect the way that the bottom layers.
This is based entirely on my own experiences. I have often felt that my ability to be "present" and "mindfull" is separated from my ability to speak and write. This is most noticeable when I drink alcohol. My ability to pay attention to my surroundings can drop massively without reducing my ability to do logic and math.
Like basically, I can't drink and drive (not that I have a car), but I can certainly drink and do math problems or do code, or even learn new things.
I have also noticed cases where I write down something, come back to it 10 seconds later and don't remember writing it. But the writing itself makes sense.
The function of the concious mind is then to support the higher linguistic mind by providing a memory function that can allow for solving more complex tasks and long-term planning. Long-term by brain standards (longer than a few seconds).
I have often felt that my ability to be "present" and "mindfull" is separated from my ability to speak and write. My ability to pay attention to my surroundings can drop massively without reducing my ability to do logic and math.
I bet it is! for instance in an aphasia your language ability might be damaged but you can still be completely cognizant and aware, and able to plan in certain ways. Research has also shown that language and math/logic operate in two different areas to an extent, too.
Please keep these ted talks coming. I loooove hearing personal consciousness theories so much
You're in luck. Today I spent a lot of time working on my economic simulations.
I went through much of the process while basically "zooted", like I am most of the time. Basically, I barely remember any of my experiences in the time period. I don't really remember much of anything tbh. I can't really pay proper attention to things. I find it extremely hard to talk to people because if this. I spend most of my days wandering around doing fuck all cause honestly, that's the best I feel like I can do right now.
And yet, as soon as I open my laptop and sit down to code, or pick up a pencil, I can just do things. I can't really focus on it for too long, but I can do it. I just need the thing to be written down in front of me and for me to write. Thinking about stories is also something I can focus strongly upon.
I've read somewhere on the Internet that dissociation is something trans people often go through. I'm not sure how strongly I am experiencing dissociation. But I can say that I do experience some of the symptoms I see on the Wikipedia page. As far as I can see, dissociation seems to affect the sensous experience rather than higher order reasoning. If you combine that with attention deficit, maybe you can explain my experiences? Idk.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
No, I am not currently drunk.
Do they put something in estrogen that makes you want to buy a record player and collect vinyl records, I've never had this urge before but it's so strong.
for me it's an urge to play bass guitar. I've been playing guitar for over a decade (on and off and not very well tbh lol), but getting on estrogen suddenly made me want to play bass
The rhythm is stored in the estradiol, though I came at it from the opposite direction. I got a bass, then 3 months later I was a stage kitten in a drag show showing off my ass while cleaning up the stage, and 3 months after that I started HRT. I had no queer friends before I got the bass, btw.
Oh fuck I also want to put a sword on my wall too. Argh. It will be so cool.
Do you have a sword in mind?
Not sure maybe Carolingian/Viking Era, that's a real classic. I'm going to a medieval fair (gonna wear a medieval dress hell yeah). Might pick one up there. Moving out of a state (Aus) with sword license laws to a less strict one and only just remembered that.
i have a crappy viking replica sword basically rusting away in the corner of a room i've had since i was 15.
occasionally playing with it only thing i don't like about swords of that era is the handle is only for one hand (i suppose because it's meant to be paired with a round shield)
I'm starting to be convinced that if a protagonist is obsessed with math that's just short hand for "they bananas" mostly that math make you lose it. Math really is the
of STEM fields.
one of the most famous mathematicians of the last 50 years is literally
I forget that sometimes, these math nerds gotta keep an eye on them
stay vigilant, there may even be math nerds among us
Nuh uh
who is "yewler"?
👁️
I think other than distraction I might have stopped reading books because I was self conscious of the fact that in order for me to read for an extended period of time I have to read out loud or at least mouth what I'm reading, always felt people would make fun of me so I didn't do it as much as a got older. Now being in a safe space at the library I've gotten into the swing of it again, if people are gonna make fun of me like they do might as well enjoy myself
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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