Recently, I've been exploring new pronouns. I asked you all to vote on pronouns for election day, and I honestly vibed with all of them. Okay, maybe not pup/pup's, but would it really piss me off if someone used that? No. I realized all of the pronouns out there (minus he/him) sound great, and feel like they could fit, and I don't mind being called by those pronouns. At the same time though, there are times where it feels like nothing fits. This sums up my thoughts, it feels like no matter what gender I try to realize for myself, no matter what I try to identify as, something goes wrong. I feel trapped, I feel like there's always a limit, even if there isn't necessarily.

A bit ago, I said that the label of demigirl fits me best, and it was the label I first identified with after my egg cracked. What I forgot, both in memory and mention, was that my egg didn't originally crack that day a few months ago. It cracked much earlier, and I had already internalized that identity. I may have presented cis (and not really been a fan), but the identity itself felt like it fit me. I'm fucking weird, I don't fit into anywhere, anything, and that probably applies to gender. I may feel dysphoria at times, may feel the need to cling onto gender in a desperation to have a sense of self, but I am not my gender. I am a human being, with the same level of identity as any other, regardless of what my gender identity may be.

So, it's time for the gender reveal . You may have been getting an idea based on what I have been saying, but I think that being agender is simply where I want to be . By forsaking gender entirely, I eliminate the endless struggle. I can present however I want to, do whatever I want to (although I could as any gender, this is how it feels for me) without feeling like my sense of self is constantly shifting. I am who I am, beyond gender. What I want for my physical appearance, or how I want to act in the moment, doesn't change that.

I feel like it's going to be tough to let go. I could just be in the middle of a very long 10% agender arc. I could wake up tommorow and decide I want to be a woman again, gender is a fuck and I'm not going to pretend I understand it. For now, though, I'm going to identify as I want to, as I feel most comfortable. I know I do this at least every other week, to the point where it could be a site meme, but I really do feel that every time I start to grasp something, it's like a breakthrough. If this one sticks, cool! I've found it out. If it doesn't, cool! I've still found something out. So, that's me. I'll leave a bit of extra content/context below, but I'm excited to see where my journey brings me, and I always have been, even if it's really confusing

I'm making this account in an attempt to shift my account from a gendered name to a username. It should also hold up if things are to change (I have no confidence that it won't). Anyway, I felt like I needed the fresh start. A lot has changed in the past few months. Also, I've noticed that how I act greatly reflects how I present, and that includes online. So, changing my account might change that as well.

Why am I this way and when will it end. This constant loop is awful and I can't keep going with it.

Things were really going well until I had to eat today. No drinking, no serious cravings, worked all day so I was distracted, it was great. I've been on a really good streak recently, I haven't even started Naltrexone yet and I'm feeling good on that. I didn't eat yesterday and I didn't really want to eat tonight but I made myself eat so of course I ate way too much and feel guilty about it. It makes me feel dysphoric too because like oh am I not worth transitioning for? I feel like I've gotten worse looking everyday in my transition, and much of it is my fault. Cig stains on my teeth, shitty skin from a few years of drinking and generally being malnourished yet bloated because of my vices

When I'm not sober, I am passively bullemic, no thought goes into it, but I'm vomiting all the time and eating too much, or not eating at all depending on the day. I was just like that. Now I still have to fight those habits except there's intent behind them now. Now instead of not eating because I forgot, I don't eat because I don't want to. Now instead of just naturally binging, I do it in response to stress. Maybe I was always like this and just forgot who I really was before I ever started drinking.

Joined a gym, been going everyday and going pretty hard powering through intense simmering rage at family shit and my own feelings of inadequacy and wasted time

Been feeling a lot better physically, and already making big (returning) newbie gainz

Finishing up cardio tonight, totally gassed and take a minute to just walk around the lobby, drinking some water, catching my breath, looking around at some of the group classes stuff on the calendars and a "leaderboard" thing of members that opt in for it

See (former friend who r***d and abused his ex who I was mutual friends with like a decade plus ago's first name) (that fucker's last name's initial) on the board

Almost have a panic attack imagining running into him there, immediately imagining getting into a fight there

This gym shit has been the first thing that's given me any self improvement and confidence in YEARS and now it might backfire horribly in a way I couldn't have possibly seen coming

This isn't fucking fair

Every goddamn year that passed since I went no contact with (that fucker) after the abuse came out, I've tried forgetting all about him and tried to help his abused ex and it was like it all just kicked me in the gut all over again out of nowhere from just a first name and last name initial

What the fuck

I don't know what to do about this or how to process it

Like, there's a possibility that it's a random different (that first name) (last name initial) but it's in the same town and is definitely a possibility that it's him and aggghhhhhhhh