allthetimesivedied

I picked up a bunch of fancy fruit spread and almond butter, but I don’t have any goddamn bread.

Propane tank (one of the little 16oz ones) because I’m fucking freezing.

And I broke my pipe a couple days ago and it’s a pain in the ass not having one. It’s only like $5.

Send to my friend’s CashApp, $ThePenitent, please.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/3878812

When you’re homeless, having a working vehicle is like being our equivalent of like, middle class or something. You have mobility. You have some semblance of privacy and personal space. You have a relatively secure place to stash your belongings, a barrier between yourself and the elements, and a place where you can sleep and not have your photo posted on NextDoor.

I had the opportunity to buy a really nice van this summer and I fucking blew it. It feels like that was my last chance, and I don’t think that’s exactly fair.

Finally accomplishing my dream of buying a van or something will literally save my life, and that isn’t hyperbole. I am so fucking depressed. I have all but given up on life. Since July of last year I’ve probably “lost everything” 3-4 times, by my own lack of give-a-fuck. I’ve had to reapply for food stamps like 2-3 times because I just don’t care enough to pick up my mail and fill out the thing you have to do every 6 months. I go weeks without brushing my teeth or changing my socks because I’m just a stupid fucking failure anyways.

This would be the first time in my life I’ve ever accomplished anything. I would have something I’m excited about having, that would give me a reason to do shit I’ve been putting off forever, like getting my ID replaced. It’s weird imagining myself doing something “grown up” like going to the DMV to register a car; I’ve always seen myself as “the child in the room,” at 32.

And there’s a more practical concern here, in that every fucking winter here, it’s mostly tolerable but there will always be a horrible blizzard that lasts a week or two. Last year and the year before people helped me out with getting a motel room, but I don’t think that’s going to happen this year. So I have like a month and a half at the least.

Decent cars/vans on Craigslist and Marketplace can be found somewhere north of $1K. The van I almost bought was $1,700 (and it was really nice, too). If I raise $2K that will be bomb and I’ll put whatever I have left over into my savings, but I’ll start looking around online when I hit like $1K, and keep going as needed ($1K is like the bare minimum for something that isn’t a piece of shit). Idk.

And until I buy the fucker all the proceeds from this are going in my savings. I won’t even order DoorDash once.

I have CashApp, Venmo, and PayPal. DM me for more info.

When you’re homeless, having a working vehicle is like being our equivalent of like, middle class or something. You have mobility. You have some semblance of privacy and personal space. You have a relatively secure place to stash your belongings, a barrier between yourself and the elements, and a place where you can sleep and not have your photo posted on NextDoor.

I had the opportunity to buy a really nice van this summer and I fucking blew it. It feels like that was my last chance, and I don’t think that’s exactly fair.

Finally accomplishing my dream of buying a van or something will literally save my life, and that isn’t hyperbole. I am so fucking depressed. I have all but given up on life. Since July of last year I’ve probably “lost everything” 3-4 times, by my own lack of give-a-fuck. I’ve had to reapply for food stamps like 2-3 times because I just don’t care enough to pick up my mail and fill out the thing you have to do every 6 months. I go weeks without brushing my teeth or changing my socks because I’m just a stupid fucking failure anyways.

This would be the first time in my life I’ve ever accomplished anything. I would have something I’m excited about having, that would give me a reason to do shit I’ve been putting off forever, like getting my ID replaced. It’s weird imagining myself doing something “grown up” like going to the DMV to register a car; I’ve always seen myself as “the child in the room,” at 32.

And there’s a more practical concern here, in that every fucking winter here, it’s mostly tolerable but there will always be a horrible blizzard that lasts a week or two. Last year and the year before people helped me out with getting a motel room, but I don’t think that’s going to happen this year. So I have like a month and a half at the least.

Decent cars/vans on Craigslist and Marketplace can be found somewhere north of $1K. The van I almost bought was $1,700 (and it was really nice, too). If I raise $2K that will be bomb and I’ll put whatever I have left over into my savings, but I’ll start looking around online when I hit like $1K, and keep going as needed ($1K is like the bare minimum for something that isn’t a piece of shit). Idk.

And until I buy the fucker all the proceeds from this are going in my savings. I won’t even order DoorDash once.

I have CashApp, Venmo, and PayPal. DM me for more info.

I ate a bagel with cream cheese about 9 hours ago.

DM me for my CashApp/Venmo/PayPal info.

I’m pretty sure it’s because I let my fucking idiot friend use my phone to contact his dad. He probably meant to delete the conversation but then idk what the fuck happened.

Yeah so over the last couple days I’ve basically lost almost everything. It happens a lot. Internally I’ve been referring to it as a “purge” and it surprisingly hasn’t been fucking with me at all.

It’s still wearing on me psychologically but I will give them a taste of their own fucking medicine so help me God.

Taking a break right now. Only got minimal sleep last night. Fun.

I fuck myself over by sharing things I don’t need to, and being too honest regarding those things. Sucks that it took this for me to finally learn my lesson. I’ve really fucked myself over this way.

Couple months ago I was sent $4K by someone who just wanted me to be happy. I had literally never in my entire life had money to spend like that. It was a once in a lifetime kind of thing—I know that all too well now.

I almost bought a really fucking nice Jeep Grand Cherokee, with tags good for a whole year, already passed DEQ. Then I listened to a friend who said I should buy a car made by a Japanese company (Honda, Toyota, etc.). So the opportunity passed and never repeated itself. It was only $1,700.

I didn’t spend it all on drugs. I spent maybe a quarter of it just helping my friends out—I sent $400 to an old friend who’s homeless in Austin, TX; I ordered a fuck ton of DoorDash for my friends and I.

I also wasted a lot of it. I’d go buy something stupid, break it or lose it and buy another one. I was careless.

I loved being, for a brief moment in time, like my friends who have seemingly endless money either from rich parents or ripping off Uncle Sam.

It’s my dream to be some sort of content creator—I’ve always had a thing for writing that’s never been executed beyond just like, a private hobby. Like an old friend of mine who draws and makes art and doesn’t really show anyone. Making videos or whatever, too. That’d be cool. Then I can live off Patreon (even if it isn’t much, I’d still be happy—the things I hate about being homeless aren’t the being homeless part, per se).

I believe I deserve a second chance and I know that if I were given one, I would be way more responsible.

But that’s never going to happen. Everyone knows what a fuck up I am now and as winter approaches, I’m legit scared.

I’m sorry.

I’m not trying to fuel my drug abuse and party and shit (tbh right now I don’t even need money for that bahaha). Meth is fucking lame and I hate it anyways.

I just want my knees to stop hurting like fuck whenever I stand up and sit down. I want this brain fog I get from not eating to clear. I want a cozy sleeping bag, clean clothes and facial cleanser. I want to fill in these sunken cheeks and smooth this dry nasty skin. I want to be able to just chill and read or sew or something instead of trying to find breakfast at 4PM. I just want to have a life again.

Like this really fucking sucks. I still have 6 fucking blocks to go because I volunteered to go run an errand, not fucking realizing the contents of my gut would uncomfortably slosh around. I was sad a minute ago when I thought I was going to throw up—because I actually ate a lot, when normally I barely fucking eat hardly anything.

I’m sitting down and taking a break now though.

Telling you why would not really be helpful. All I’ll say is someone inadvertently reminded me of what a worthless piece of shit I am.

They seem to be the only leftist org in my area that actually does much of anything, but they’ve come under fire for weird vague allegations, so idk.