this post was submitted on 30 May 2024
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[–] [email protected] 99 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

I mean, that logic got Brock Allen Turner, the rapist who now goes by Allen Turner, off the hook. I guess it's worth a shot.

[–] [email protected] 71 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

You mean Brock Turner the rapist who now goes by Allen Turner the rapist? That Brock Turner the rapist?

[–] [email protected] 41 points 3 weeks ago

Well HE doesn't go by Brock Turner the rapist. He certainly wishes we'd stop calling him Brock Turner the rapist. But we'll never stop calling him Brock Turner the rapist, because Brock Turner the rapist is a rapist.

If we had to stop calling him something, we'd stop calling him Brock Turner before we stopped calling him the rapist.

Because Brock Turner the rapist deserves to be remembered as a rapist, and nothing more

[–] [email protected] 22 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Derek Chauvin would also like a word.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 weeks ago

Yeah? Well George Floyd would like to breathe.

[–] [email protected] 86 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

So going forward, I should keep my crimes under half an hour and it’s fine. Good to know.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Keep it under 27 minutes just to be on the safe side

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Is it total minutes or consecutive?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Either, just to be safe.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I wouldn't go on a 30-minute crime spree yet, there might be a better deal soon.

Trump says he's going to be a one-day dictator if elected. If he gets his way and does not get punished afterwards, we have a strong legal precedent that everyone gets their personal Purge once in their lifetime.

[–] [email protected] 69 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

"I only murdered for a minute, tops!"

[–] [email protected] 36 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

"it would have been quicker too had the victim not resisted so much."

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Thats why the cops yell at you to stop resisting after they shoot you.

(This joke got dark)

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

Joke? I am pretty sure that is s.o.p.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

"I only shot that guy for 0.6 seconds!"

[–] [email protected] 38 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Can you imagine that defence for other crimes

You’re honour my client should be released because he was only a bank robber for 2 minutes while in the bank. And as for being a conspirator he didn’t do much talking.

Your honour my client was only a “rapist” while attacking Miss Sonso and that only lasted 5 minutes. Prior to that he was merely a pedestrian as he followed her. An innocent citizen

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 weeks ago

Unfortunately that defense did seem to work out fine for rapist Brock Allen Turner.

[–] [email protected] 36 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

NO TOUCHING!

[–] [email protected] 32 points 3 weeks ago

So, that's a guilty plea?

[–] [email protected] 29 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

You’re going to have to make gif noises and pretend.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

How do you pronounce gif noises?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

It's pronounced the same way it's written

[–] [email protected] 29 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Only a little light treason.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago

With a sliver of sedition

[–] [email protected] 27 points 3 weeks ago

Well if he only committed treason for 26 minutes, how about 25 minutes in front of a firing squad?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 weeks ago

Crimes are billed by the hour.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Well that's all right then!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Here ya go:

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 weeks ago

26 is all it required for him to set things in motion.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 weeks ago

"Your honor, my client only raped her for 3 minutes."

"Your honor, my client was only murdering him for 4 minutes."

"Your honor, my client was only driving under the influence for 10 minutes."

"Your honor, my client only robbed the bank of $4000."

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

That's an eternity for an android

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

Donny would need little makeup to be a fantastic Borg Queen.