(Bangor, Maine) Citing poor satisfaction among participants and facing multiple lawsuits, the Watchful Pussy Seeing Eye Cat Program is shutting down in Bangor, sources said Sunday. Participants say while the program has tried to be helpful, “cats just don’t care if you fall down,” as one blind participant said.

The innovative program attempted to match blind participants with cats trained to aid and guide them through their daily lives. The cats, rescued from shelters and trained using guidelines for other seeing-eye animals, seemed to respond well to the stimulus training, but “returned to being furry little assholes” after being placed in the field. “Sammy was really nice the first day,” said one trial participant. “But day 2, he would only meow next to the food bowl, and when I tried to put his harness on to go for a walk, he jumped on a shelf and started knocking things down on me. I mean, I get it, he’s a cat. But I’m blind, I can’t run around chasing a cat to get my shopping.”

Other participants also cited unruly behavior as a reason they went back to a canine seeing companion. “I’m allergic to dogs,” said Grace, a 31-year-old woman who lost her vision to disease. “But a dog won’t guide me in front of a semi if someone is carrying a fresh fish. I almost died, and that little monster clawed me when I yelled at it. I’ll take the Benadryl, thank you.”

Program developers agree that in hindsight, cats were a poor choice for service guide animals. “Cats are just really cuddly, so we thought they were an untapped resource waiting to be exploited. We should have considered the proverbial wisdom that ‘your cat may love you, but if you die they will eat your corpse.’ I just never thought that would be more than an expression, and I am so sorry to the family of our study participant who had that happen.”

(Tehran) The White House announced Monday that an understanding had been reached to end the war between Iran, Israel, and the United States, marking the 36th such announcement since the start of the war. Trump said this was the final end to the war, but vowed to continue ending the conflict until it was over.

“We have an agreement,” he said while golfing in Florida. “They’ve agreed to everything, we have a deal in the bag. But if we have to hit them again, we will, and then we’ll end it again. But the strait is open.”

Leaders in Tehran responded that no deal had been reached, and made the proactive step of announcing that the next end of the war would also be fictitious, and probably the next as well. “Statistically we believe he’ll announce the war ended 4 times this week. None of these will be real, but feel free to pretend along with him. Just don’t look at ship traffic.”

Ship traffic remains light in the Strait of Hormuz, as both Iranian and US blockades interdict shipping, despite US claims of peace.

Some feel the President may be attempting to campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize with his claims. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hawaii, said “not many men can say they ended a war once, much less 35 times. God bless the President for not giving up on ending the war over and over, just before the stock market opens.”

(Washington DC) As republican voters seem less eager to go to the polls, the White House has unveiled a plan to increase voter turn out for their base. “You get to vote,” exclaimed trump at a rally Thursday. “Republicans only. You get to decide who we attack next.”

Democratic lawmakers condemned the measure. “The midterm elections are for all Americans,” said Senate minority leaser Chuck Schumer. “You can’t just allow one party to vote on a war. That would require a primary.”

But voters are expressing renewed interest in choosing a foreign invasion target, with names such as North Korea, France, and even California being suggested by republican voters. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Delaware, said, “honestly, anywhere would be good, because I’m pretty sure I used to work on a yacht in those Epstein files… and we just don’t wanna go there.”

The White House says all names are on the table, and a write-in campaign is encouraged.

(San Jose, CA) Artificial Intelligence developer Anthropic and related stocks are higher today, after the announcement AI systems will incorporate blockchain into their systems. “We know people used to really like the word blockchain,” said one PR specialist for Anthropic. “And since AI isn’t as exciting lately as we want, we’re adding that term to help increase our value… to America.”

Investors are excited. “We never really got bored of blockchain,” said one, “because suddenly it was about NFTs, and we can only keep so many ideas in our heads at one time. I’m really glad we’ve found a way to improve on AI.”

“I’m all in on blockchain AI, this should help offset the oil crisis and that war stuff,” he added.

More conservative investors say that while blockchain may add value to tech stocks, the word “fundamentals” has better utility across a wider array of industries. “We’d really like AI stocks to focus on fundamentals,” one commented. “There are several core principles that help a company, such as firing a bunch of people. One private prison company I invest in fires people all the time, and that really increases their value… I’d like to hear how blockchain fires people.”

But not everyone is excited about the news. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler who was recently laid off by a New York private prison, said, “I got hit in the head at work, and now they’ve fired me. I think they said they was replacing me with AI now that’s improved with blockchain. I just don’t know, man.”

(New York) As today’s court hearings were held for suspected shooter Luigi Mangioni in the case involving the death of a healthcare executive, an injury related to the case was reported at the prison where he is held. Three boxes of women’s underwear reportedly fell from a high shelf in the undergarments section of the warehouse housing items mailed to the defendant, causing “a mild concussion” to one of the guards in the area. Prosecutors say Mangioni may also be charged for the guard’s injuries in the trial.

“We get it,” said one guard from the facility. “He’s smoking hot. But when you mail him your underwear, you don’t think about the damage you can cause.”

“Also, the smell,” he added.

Mangioni had been held without bail for over a year since his arrest, and fans have been sending support ever since. The prison has hired two staffers to handle marriage proposals, along with housing two warehouses of assorted “gifts” to the alleged murderer.

The injured guard, identified as Leo Sturbgetter, was treated at a local hospital and released.

(Casa Grande, AZ) Tuesday, Doritos announced a new $25 million naming rights agreement with the US Department of War, regarding the next 60 day “official action” in the ongoing conflict with Iran. The deal includes naming rights, some limited merchandizing, and a special limited-time Doritos paint scheme for all B2 bombers involved in the war. President trump expressed his congratulations to the company on social media.

The US president may engage in war with a foreign adversary for 60 days before seeking permission from Congress. May 1st - the deadline for the approval - the State Department declared that Operation Epic Fury was over, and that a new mission, Project Freedom, had began. Congress has yet to act on this clear sidestep of the law.

Doritos executives say this provided the opening they needed to request naming rights for the next name in the war. “We looked at wars like Afghanistan and Iraq, and even 120 days sounds ridiculous for this war. We only wish we’d caught Pete [Hegseth] drunk, because we wanted the next three names… but they felt even Congress might consider it the same war if the brand wasn’t changing.”

The conflict will be named the “Doritos Cool Ranch Ground Invasion.” Iranian officials have expressed anger at the name.

Republican voters seem to approve the coming “new war.” Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Utah, said, “I’m glad the original war is over, and I support our troops protecting ships from the problems that war started. I really hope this next war can really help bring down gas prices… I’m really hurting with my big truck.”

(Tehran) As the US begins its third month of war with Iran, some republican legislators are beginning to express concerns the US may no longer be able to start 6 wars in 2026. “Sure, we can invade Cuba,” said one republican Senator who asked to remain anonymous, “but after that, can we really start three more wars? I’m just not sure we can do it unless trump moves to the next one. Also I am not gay.”

The US started the year invading Venezuela, kidnapping the country’s president and attempting to control its government and economy. The following month the US attacked Iran; however, this war mired the US in conflict, slowing the pace of attack. Now, as oil prices skyrocket and US warships need relief, doubts are surfacing, both in Americans and their enemies.

“We’re right here,” said an angry Kim Jong Un. “Whose manhood do I need to threaten to get noticed?” Other US enemies are also offended. “They’re barely attacking our boats any more,” said one drug cartel member. “Sure, they hit one this week, but it’s not the same as it was. I feel like some side war [Secretary of War Pete] Hegseth only remembers when he’s drunk.”

Republican voters say they’re certain there can be four more wars. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northern New Hampshire, said, “sure maybe we can’t start 4 more wars. But we can always get stuck in four more, and I believe in my president!”

(Washington DC) As gas prices continue to increase and the EU announces they are running out of jet fuel, the White House - in apparent attempt to change the conversation from Iran - has begun peppering official statement with references to the Epstein Files. Jeffery Epstein was indicted for human trafficking and pedophilia on his Caribbean island, and was heavily linked with the president before his death.

In a press briefing Wednesday, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt repeatedly brought the topic up in questions. “Yes Stacy, the involvement from China would be concerning… almost as concerning as whether the president was involved in the disappearance of several underage girls. Several.” To another question (regarding troop movements), she answered “that’s an important question about the military rank and file, and speaking of files, we are going to see some pretty important releases from some files soon.”

Members of the press pool say the move is not unexpected. “When my dog vomits all over the rug, he’ll sometimes chew up a shoe and leave it somewhere obvious,” said one reporter who asked to remain anonymous. “This only means they believe they’ll lose less voters to stories about pedophilia versus high gas prices, which is a very American problem.”

Researchers at Stanford have created a new pedo-fuel index to help predict which the administration will push in the coming months. Current findings show republicans would prefer to hear about the president’s pedophilia until gas prices drop close to a dollar a gallon, at which point they prefer to hear about killing foreign citizens.

Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and research fellow at Stanford, says “bear in mind these results are only for republicans, as democrats drive much more fuel efficient vehicles.”

(Oslo) As the US continues to make aggressive military moves around the globe, the Nobel Committee - which denied Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize this year, despite his loud insistence he deserved it - has gone a step further in its disapproval of the US President. In a special proclamation Thursday, they announced a special Nobel Prize for Soccer, and awarded the prize to the former US President Barak Obama.

“We recognize the charismatic, black, talented, well-spoken, articulate, black, tall, thin, charming former President of the United States for his advancement of the game of football (soccer), in ways no other recent President could match, with this second Nobel Prize, which is also not a used prize acquired from someone else,” the announcement reads. The special award ceremony is scheduled for June.

While not mentioning the FIFA Peace Prize by name, the Nobel Committee clearly referenced the award, saying this medal would be “slightly bigger” than the award from FIFA to Trump in 2025, and that Pelé’s family would attend the ceremony. The White House had no comment on the award.

The Obama family released a statement saying “Michelle and I appreciate the recognition of our hard work for charities and civic action, and accept on behalf of soccer-loving youths throughout the world.”

Not all Americans feel honored by the award. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and right midfielder in West Texas, said “this is an outrage. Unless FIFA gives trump a FIFA Soccer Prize, this will not stand.”

(Sugarland, Texas) A ruling Monday upheld the US military’s claim that their “Drone from Home” program - where civilians pilot military drones and hunt Iranian citizens - is both within the bounds of US federal law, and that the pilots are independent contractors, settling a separate claim by activist participants in the program that they should receive rank, benefits, and other perks “for their contribution to the war effort.”

“Naturally we felt the courts would side with us,” said council for the government. “We already use civilian contractors for a lot of missions in foreign areas of interest. It’s a small step from paying these contractors for work in these areas, to allowing civilians to pay a fee to pilot drone aircraft for us, and for them to receive the thrill of helping the US government fulfill its mission, whatever the president says that mission is each day.”

The program, originally a recruiting tool allowing future enlisted - already signed but awaiting boot camp - to perform missions, has expanded into a $30 million per year profit center for the military. Anyone who can afford the $1,000 fee and present at least credible evidence of US citizenship, can take control of a US military drone for 4 hours. “The kids really love it,” said one recruiter. “We’d let them try a demo, and then tell them we had the real thing if they signed the papers. Our recruiting numbers were maxed for months until they opened up general play.”

Opponents of the program cite the poor security of the program, as well as the questionable legality of hunting other humans with robots, as reasons the program should be shut down. “We’ve already seen cases of children spending thousands of dollars on Roblox,” said one advocate. “What if your husband got your credit card and did the same thing?”

But not all Americans feel the program lacks merit. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Kansas, echos many Americans by saying “tell me what you want for $1,000. I don’t have a lot of limits, I need to get back in there.”

The citizens of Iran declined to leave cover to comment.

(Tel Aviv) On Saturday, the IDF announced a pause in bombings in Iran, until more hospitals could be built for targeting. “It is always regretful when a school or hospital is destroyed,” the statement read. “We will be holding attacks until more of these targets are operational again inside Iran.”

US military sources have praised the Israeli military for not actively targeting school and hospitals in Iran, noting that every one that has been hit was claimed as an accident. They note that the IDF has pledged to investigate all of these accidental strikes some time after the war.

Israeli has been condemned internationally for targeting and occupying hospitals in Gaza, but say their intent is different in Iran. “In Gaza, we destroy all buildings because there are tunnels,” said an Israeli pilot on condition of anonymity. “But in Iran, we destroy them because there could be tunnels. It’s entirely different.”

(Washington DC) On Friday evening, Americans were surprised when the president made remarks at a fundraising dinner, saying Democrats were currently conducting troop landings in Iran, with 500,000 total troops to be deployed over the next year. Trump said he disapproves of the move.

“They told me, he said in remarks. “They told me… five hundred thousand, five hundred thousand… I told them no but you can’t say no to these people, they won’t take it… they won’t take it so they’re landing. Lying Chuck Schumer and Nasty Nancy, they’re invading Iran. And of course we have to lead these troops, to victory, but we didn’t land them, they did.”

“This is inherently not true,” said Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer. “I don’t have command of the military. I can barely control my own party. This is a lie to escape the blame if it fails, and take credit if it works.”

Still, Americans are divided on who is to blame for the invasion. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Mississippi, said “Fox news is saying Democrats are taking us to war. They stole Donald’s war! They better hope the president can save them from defeat by winning bigly.”

The military press office could not confirm who was in charge of the Iran operation at press time.