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Look, I get it. The gargantuan shit-show that is U.S. politics and the American descent into fascism is on everyone's minds. It's certainly on mine.

But the point of this community is to highlight weird news stories that make you go, "By golly, I thought I was reading a headline from The Onion. You know, America's finest news source." A lot of stories being posted lately don't even remotely fit that.

That doesn't mean political stories aren't allowed here, but they must have headlines that would make people pause and wonder if it's a story from The Onion. Straight up regular, non Onion-y headlines don't fit.

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According to an affidavit written by a DPS special agent, Ozment allegedly called the Governor’s Office on the afternoon of July 25. DPS claims Ozment left the following voicemail (KXAN has redacted the profanity in the transcript provided by DPS):

“I don’t know which one of you sons of b—-es passed this motherf—ing bill to get this damn s— blocking my motherf—ing anime, but you whole a– motherf—ers need to unpass this s—. Y’all are f—ing ridiculous with your b—- a–es. My Google account says I’m f—ing over the age of 18, and your dumba– is passing these dumba– laws. I’m a f—ing stab every godd— one of you b—-es. Unlock my f—ing anime.”

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A California woman who was sentenced to 11 years in prison in 2004 pleaded guilty this week in another stabbing death.

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cross-posted from: https://lemdro.id/post/44002306

FIFA president Gianni Infantino is offering Morocco the rights to host the 2030 World Cup final in exchange for supporting his reelection as FIFA president, according to The Times, extending the proposal as he faces calls to resign following a controversial plan to sell stakes in the World Cup.

Infantino wants a formal statement of support from Morocco, The Times reported, noting Saudi Arabia, which is typically one of his biggest supporters, has yet to endorse him.

Infantino ordered key staff to an emergency meeting in Morocco this week “to try to rescue his presidency,” according to The Times, with unnamed sources telling the outlet Infantino has promised the World Cup final will be hosted at the 115,000-seat Hassan II, an under-construction stadium in Casablanca, Morocco.

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cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/41109191

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/41109146

The ride-hailing giant promised to handle legal claims “in a way that is best for the survivor.” Its lawyers are pursuing a far more aggressive strategy.

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submitted 4 days ago by green_goglin to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world
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submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by SwissArmyKazoo@lemmy.world to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

26 year old director of a stage tour of "Rocky Horror" been taken in captivity and is currently under oaf for faking death threats against himself to prevent any pre existing behind the scenes drama with the cast.

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The threat arrives in plain language. “Failure to comply could jeopardize eligibility for state educational scholarship programs,” Uthmeier wrote, aiming at the funding stream that carried roughly 88 percent of Florida’s more than 94,000 Catholic school students last year. He gave the bishops until August 7 to respond — ten days before most Florida schools open for the new year.

Within hours, the attorney general announced the letter on X. “Ironically, they won’t offer religious exemptions as prescribed by state law,” he wrote. “This is troubling and may disqualify them from state scholarships and vouchers.”

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submitted 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) by Aatube@lemmy.dbzer0.com to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

Who’s underemployed now?

headline from official webpage title. print headline is "The Revenge of the Philosophy Majors"

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/50111532

Robert F. Kennedy to host cooking show with focus on inexpensive meals

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submitted 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) by gedaliyah@lemmy.world to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world
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Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy announced Tuesday that his department would redirect $1.73 billion in Biden-era grants away from establishing “DEI bike lanes” to build roads and bridges instead.

Upon hearing “equity,” President Donald Trump’s goons can’t help but get triggered into attacking any federal spending that won’t benefit them directly. In reality, those Biden-era grants directed funds to build a new transit center in North Carolina, replace bridges in New Mexico, extend streets in New Hampshire, install traffic lights and crosswalks in Missouri, and install bike lanes in Seattle, among other projects. Now the financial status of these projects is unclear.

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Not The Onion

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Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
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