i was in a group thing and we were all going around saying our names and i went first and didn't give my pronouns, because i'm trying to be relatively stealth, i was wearing a skirt, and i have a very feminine name. literally everyone else gave their pronouns, so when i inevitably get clocked people are going to have to ask or guess, and the mostly cis crew are definitely gonna they me

i guess i should be glad i live in an area where people do that but mostly i'm just anxious

:yea:

i love crying at emotionally affecting scenes in the art i like

estrogen made me certified crybaby at most emotional stories 😭

most recent one was rewatching the haruhi movie for the third time

Many such cases

(not trans, so I’ll delete if I’m overstepping here)

I have been in many job interviews, on both sides of the table. I have found zero correlation to interviewer enthusiasm or vibes from them, and whether I get an offer. I’ve had interviews that I thought went terribly that later made me an offer. I’ve had other interviews where they act like they’re the lucky ones that I’m considering working for them, but I hear nothing after.

As an interviewer, there’s been lots of times I’ve been enthusiastic about someone as much as I try to have a poker face, and I want to make them an offer but my boss or someone higher up looks at the resume and squashes the whole thing over something kinda petty. Or the funding dries up shortly after and we can’t hire anyone. Or we get really busy and hiring someone is the last thing on my mind for weeks just because I’m trying to hold everything else with my job together.

Hope that helps.

i have been motivated to train before I am getting hormones because of this, I hope that the more mass my body has to work with, the better the results when I get access to hrt.

Skipping leg day? Nah homie, in the transfem gym it's only leg day. 🍑 🦵 🍗

I feel like it's going to be hard to achieve/maintain the level of femininity I want without medically transitioning, but I'm not entirely comfortable with being physically a woman either.

E can do a lot of things but it doesn't really make you "physically a woman". It can change your moods (and overall psychology if you let it) to a slight degree, your appetite/metabolism, muscle/fat growth and by extension your physical appearance, but there are also transmasc and nonbinary people with similar bodily traits.

Whether or not you're a woman is a bit tautological, as it's based entirely on the belief of you being or not being a woman. This is even true of cis people, because gender is a social construct. You can be a woman right now, or you can be a man while on HRT, and the way you carry that mindset with you will color your bodily changes. HRT isn't a magic gender changer, it is a tool to upend the ways your body and mind are incongruous.

I also sometimes wish to be perceived as more feminine in this regard...But sometimes I want to act cutesy or be more openly affectionate, and I can't because I feel too vulnerable doing so.

The mood changes you get on E can absolutely apply some WD-40 to rusty and disused emotional availability. But it won't make you suddenly change your entire personality or interests — unless you've been looking for an excuse to open up and explore those things. I'm still a sarcastic asshole nerd affected by 2000s gamer culture, but now I can cry and enjoy the emotional warmth of other people without having a chip on my shoulder (and wear pretty dresses without feeling like I want to shed my skin).

I basically don't have anyone to support me IRL.

Having a support system makes things way less daunting. Even just having some people to videochat with would help a little if you can manage it

I'm also looking to work as a programmer, and I'm uneasy with presenting as not-male in my work life.

This is a legitimate concern, yeah...you might have to test the legitimacy EEOC at times. Some companies will be chill about it but you can generally sus this out in the interview process because they will act positively but a bit squirrely if they genuinely want to work with you. If they maintain the fake-nice facade all the way through they will weasel out of their responsibilities the moment you become inconvenient. That's just kind of the reality of being us.

I've had some idle dreams about buying some feminine clothes, but I'm too lazy? scared? to even try that. I'm not sure if I'm that uncomfortable with my body or if I really want to be a woman that badly compared to the stories I've read.

This kind of rhetoric is so common among questioning people who eventually come out that a lot of people would just start calling you an egg at this point. Society puts so much pressure on people to conform to cis-normative ideals that when you start to question them you really can't pinpoint when exactly you stopped believing in them. Some of the most binary fem-presenting transwomen out there spent their early 20s as muscle bros trying to run away from femininity. Some of us end up being gamer dorks but slightly softer. Some are EDM composers or roboticists or welders who flip off the patriarchy when it questions why they don't build their personality around gucci handbags (not that it's wrong to like tradfem stuff, but the point is we shouldn't put femininity in a box and sell it. Cis women even have many routes of expressing themselves).

Where you come from doesn't matter. If you truly believe that the simple act of being and becoming yourself comes before the pre-molded slot that patriarchy requires you to fill, then you're just as queer as the rest of us.

One part of me is scared of waiting too long to start transitioning, but another part of me is scared of having to learn to live as a trans person (or even just as not-male) in an increasingly fascist United States.

I started 10 years after I knew. Do I have regrets? Sometimes. Do I appreciate how my life has been shaped by the path I took? Absolutely.

The road to living authentically under capitalism is inherently risky. So, as you're aware, it's imperative that you treat each decision you make with care and respect. But to live in paralysis will not allow you to discover who you really are. We're not just talking about a costume that you wear around to put on a show for others. What we're asking here is who are you? Who is nightshade? Is it worth risking your life to become you? Is it worth risking you to continue as you are?

If you can answer those questions, the question of whether or not you need hrt to express yourself will be small potatoes by comparison.

Also feel free to ask questions if you've got em.

woah me too!!

alright im prescribing you one (1) infodump about a hobby/cool thing of your choosing to me (if you want)

Were they asking if they're real? Cause like yeah it's real, just no bleeding

I've had cis girls in the past tell me I'm lucky I don't have a period, which I always have to explain isn't the compliment they think it is lol. i think there's definitely benefits to having your body more in line with how it would be without the need for HRT - with that said I think it's a major upgrade that I can't get pregnant 😌

that said I don't think transfem periods are an actual thing tbh, tho I've read mixed things

There are people who manipulate prog and E doses to simulate a period every month, but otherwise your blood levels should follow a set pattern. What's more likely is experiencing symptoms of changing hormone levels throughout the day/week, as you'll often have a spike immediately after taking your dose with a tail that slowly approaches zero until you take your next one.

what the heck?? is this like an institution in a reactionary area? similar classes at my institution are not like that, i wonder what the difference is...

The best course of action is just to tell your doctor you made a mistake with your last injection and how much you injected. The solution might be as simple as moving your test back a week, but its essential they have an accurate picture of what's going on anyways