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There's an old folk thingy from Borneo that claims Orangs can, in fact, talk. But they don't, because if humans found out they'd be forced to get jobs and pay taxes.
this post was submitted on 04 Dec 2023
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Makes sense to me. If I got to spend my whole life chilling in the forest and some weird bald fuckers came and tried to make me work and pay taxes I'd do whatever needed to convince them I'm just another ape and continue to chill in the forest
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And yet they put them to work gathering palm nuts for palm oil anyway 
Based and Ankh-Morpork Unseen University librarian-pilled
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plays stellaris once
why can't i make the bonobo population into a client state? 
Imagine trying to enforce our volcel rules here in a world where bonobos are posting
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this is a classic sci fi plot
And every single fucking time it goes bad for the people involved
Like literally every single instance of a species being uplifted in sci fi is a cautionary tale about interference with others, and usually has the uplifted species be violent/used as a weapon
Literal fucking Torment Nexus bullshit
All (good) sci-fi is an exploration of issues that already exist in our world, just with the added distance of future/tech that allows those issues to take an even greater shape.
This whole "uplifting primates" bs is just sci-fi talk for neoliberal development economics, it's just saying the quiet part out loud, in that people from poor countries are an inherently inferior species.
The Culture Series would like a word. Although sometimes when they interfere things do go bad and that's part of the narrative, but the majority of time they don't interfere it results in self destruction of civilizations
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They used to extract value from animals on industrial scales, like horses and stuff. They still do now of course but it's very grisly (watch dominion) because it's more about getting their flesh, skin, oil, etc.
Anyway, we used to use them in "jobs" but it turns out machinery and mechanization was way more profitable, dumbass.
Ah, but what if we forced them to work for Uber before chopping them up?
"sorry George, you only have 4.5 stars on Uber. Drive to the monkey nugget factory for reassignment"
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We don't need more workers you fucking idiot, like half the Western population pushes around numbers on a spreadsheet for living. If we want more productivity maybe we should force these assholes onto an assembly line building stupid bullshit before we fuck with porcupines.
Yep, if we weren't burdened by the Protestant work ethic that dictates that everyone should work, we could have a society where everyone takes turns working on a farm once a month and can do whatever the fuck they want the rest of the month. We'd still be able to feed everyone and society wouldn't collapse.
Those Planet of the Apes movies are all about how this is a super great idea
Wot if animals paid taxes
Wot if they didn't and the police came to put them in prison?
Leave the animals alone you ghouls 
bring me the one they call Ryan McEntush
lol we should focus on uplifting humans
Please stop, the Indonesian commisar sent to uplift Estonia is still hard at work to this day.
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Really? Dolphins are by far the obvious candidates for first uplift. (They will be immediately sent the the Hague for perpetrating a genocide against porpoises)
The problem is dolphins would have a hard time using tools or, like, building stuff underwater
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"OOK!" - Head librarian of Unseen University
Anyone who considers something like this seriously has to die immediately. This is pure evil in like the way Michael Myers is described by Dr Loomis. It has to be destroyed.
What's the business model?
:gulag:
Liberals can't even lift people out of poverty, what do they think they're gonna do to help animals exactly?
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What? The cutting edge of domestication science was a Soviet fox project, genetic engineering is in its infancy, and a comprehensive understanding of the brain and sapience is nowhere in sight. How the fuck would we uplift an animal even if we wanted to?
You put a chimp in a lift and press the button for the top floor.
Fuck you, pay meThe wrong creatures are in the zoos
A bear, the second it's "uplifted": 
I don't remember whether I read this but I swear to God it is a thing that exists. I over found an "an"cap comic book online which was a kind of parallel universe thing. One universe was the one we know today, just a few years in the future: huge smoking ban signs everywhere, owning gold was illegal, there were no cats so people were forced to bike, meat was expensive/illegal so people turned to cannibalism, everything was grey and dull, you know, what we're currently used to now.
But then there was the parallel universe, an "an"cap utopia in which there were no states, the colours were bright and happy, people paid at vending machines by putting in pieces of bullion and monkeys could speak. Yes, somehow one of the bazinga technologies unleashed by removing the yoke of the state was making moneys sentient. I'm not sure but I remember an "an"cap monkey cop.
It was some of the most amazing agitprop I've ever seen.
Love that the only logical conclusion to meat being expensive/illegal is canabalism lmao
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in capitalist usa, monke return to us
How truly unimaginative.
Put my old shift supervisor on the floor with a bunch of apes so he can try to make them work the machines. I’d pay to watch the worker uprising.
If those guys aren't doing some kind of comically soulless capitalist scum routine they definitely deserve to play some Minecraft.
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Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty! That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Get your chrome-ass claws away from the monkeys you soulless goddamn robots
Sorry to bother you
So it's been something like 7 million years since humans and chimps parted ways (probably as a result of a chromosomal fusion event that might be difficult to replicate!). Let's assume we can use artificial selection, fast generation times, and targeted germ line mutations to speed that process up, what sort of efficiency could we get? 10x? Someone put me on ice so I can see the dawn of the First Bonobo Suzerain of 702023.
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When you've played spore and then felt smart after
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