this may be early, don't worry about it, pin it whenever
First mega wooo, now I get to have my inbox flooded!
Friendship ended with coffee, now tea is my best friend. No promises but I'll try to post about a different tea each day!
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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
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spoiler
HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST
if you have a preferred week please tell me
SockOlm (8/17 - 8/23)
GayTuckerCarlson* (8/24 - 8/30)
Eco* (8/31 - 9/6)
Shaleesh* (9/7 - 9/13)
BountifulEggnog* (9/14 - 9/20)
sodium_nitride* (9/21-9/27)
* after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
I used to have sonic autism as a child so much so that the entire group of kids who knew me were annoyed by it.
Today I have cultivation autism and am going to annoy the whole mega as well as my friend.
But at least being a "Chinese religion nerd" is more respectable to professional adults/colleagues than being a sonic nerd.
i'm just gonna write stuff down
i'm glad this thread is still going. sorry about being absent a lot, working full-time has been kicking my damn ass and butt but i feel like i'm learning how to be a human being again which is good. i had to turn it into a weird game to actually enjoy it though. i'm pretending work is just me training for my hobby
i find myself missing the relative freedom of part-time stuff. i have way less time to write but life experience is keeping me from stagnating like i was.
i was thinking i wanted to regress and just be a chud and not do anything for 2 weeks and then i realized i was describing a vacation. now i'm just trying to think about which kind of freedom is better: financial security or control over how a majority of my day is gonna go. i think i like having money more but it's probably just because the alternative is dying which doesn't seem like something i wanna do right now
With moving this week I have been thinking of all the things that happened here. I'm pretty sure I've posted this before but, I wasted 5 years of my life doing absolutely nothing. No job, no college for at least 4 years of that. I hardly remember any of it. I barely watched TV shows or movies, definitely didn't read any books, hardly played games even. Just fucking rotted. What a misirible waste of life that was.
I am still quite far from recovered. Things are better now. A lot better. I am thinking about those years though.
I wasted 5 years of my life doing absolutely nothing.
Girl you lived and that is amazing on its own. You didn't rot. Look at your body. Where do you see necrotic or septic flesh? You ate food, slept, breathed. Just like our ancestors who used to chill in the jungles gathering nuts and fruits.
Things can get better, and it seems like they already have somewhat. Just remember that there's always hope as long as there's life cw suicide
i did that for seven years, wasted all my savings and then tried to kill myself.
Signing up to various online femme subreddits or just going through them feels so gender affirming. Done wonders for my mental health and if you are a reddit user and haven't done so (as a transfemme), you should try it.
I know I should branch out and see other websites as well, but I don't want to be even more terminally online than I already am.
Reading a "horror" IF where the horror comes from the romantic option being a vampire that stalks you
My reaction: "Get out of that damn coffin and wrap those teeth around my neck right this instant!"
being transfem is kind of like one of those Vampire universes where everyone has the same baseline powers, but occasionally people have unique gifts (Anne Rice, Twilight, V:TM etc) CW Sex
Like this transfem can have multiple orgasms in a row without ejaculating. This one can come from just breast stimulation. This one is somehow still able to get hard and top without viagra.
It's wild and fascinating.
My vampire transfem sex ability is I have a long and drawn out orgasms while only slightly erect and there's often a significant gushing ejaculate, often more than the other girls all combined. But I also can only have like a couple in an evening.
Today was the last day of possibly the last hangout with these friends. We've been friends for almost a decade. They mean a lot to me. They've been there for me in some of my worst fucking years. All those years and years I wasted they still hung out with me every now and again. They brought me cake on my birthday. I'd fucking cry over it because I genuinely had no one else but my family for all that time. The worst years imaginable. Just fucking rotting and they stayed with me.
Did friend 1 use my name? My real fucking name that I love so much? Even when we said goodbye for possibly the last fucking time? No. Of course not. She just said goodbye. I wore a dress for the first time in front of them. I went out fem, fucking embarrassed and everything else and still. No fucking name.
I'm a genderless, nameless freak to her. Even if she wants to support me (by helping me with my dress). She still couldn't bring herself to use my name.
Fucking sobbing right now. Is this the same treatment my family is going to give me? Or probably even worse? Why the fuck is social transition so fucking hard gays.
Why the fuck is social transition so fucking hard gays
Hunan beings can get extremely stubborn and stuck in their ways. They try their best not to accommodate others.
I've become averse to using search engines, not only cuz they barely work anymore but also cuz of the ubiquitous surveillance
If I wanna know smth or see smth I try to go through another source or just don't cuz it creeps me out so much. Google doesn't need to know I wanna watch a wolf documentary. If I absolutely need to look smth up I will use Yandex or marginalia-search.com (the only good search engine) or DuckDuckGo (untrustworthy proxy for Bing)
Maybe Internet Archive has some. I'm gonna look them up on Wikipedia and click through to their site from there cuz I forgot the URL
Made some sadiemojies, too lazy to use the right comm.
I have a few more, but I'm rate limited right now.
The rest
I'm not going to spoiler tag this because everyone needs to read it
depressing thoughts
Feeling very depressed and alone lately but trying to deal with it as well as I can. I sort of naively hoped I’d be out of the hole I’ve spent so many years in but climbing out is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.
any other gongfu tea peeps out here?
trying to finish off my greens bc i got way too much.
Aspirationally gongfu, kettle in practice.
I like oolong tea.
It's all crashing down (unrelated to tea)
I really fucked up my rhythm for making surgery progress. I feel so stupid and incapable after moving so far away from the healthcare network I trust and am familiar with. I feel the desire to wither rather than get things going here. Not sure how I let myself step in my own way again, but the weight is heavy. I'm not really sleeping or talking to friends either. Not even sure I'll have the energy to job hunt once my remote work ends.
Fucking hell
I can't stop thinking about girlmoding the other day. I looked so much better then I thought I would.
Thinking I might send the pics to more of my cis friends then I planned on originally.
hell yeah sister
I do wish I knew if I'd need ffs to pass to the level I want.
surgery
I know I want a trach shave which I guess is ffs, but I don't know what else I'd need. But trach shave + srs + laser is already a decent amount of work to need...
Also voice training god I've got to get on that. Although I was pretty impressed by how androgynous my voice is... I still think it's too masc leaning to call androgynous but much better then I thought.
What I've been told is you basically go get a consult for ffs and they give you a list of everything they think you might want and you pick and choose from that.
Your voice is definitely androgynous imo.
Doesn't a consult take like forever? I guess if my insurance is okay I might do that and just see what they think and how much things would be with my insurance
Yea well I don't totally agree and would 100% get misgendered on the phone or anything
My consult was pretty fast. I got a letter from my therapist, submitted to my provider, they submitted the request to my insurance, I had a number to the surgeon's office a couple weeks. The appointment was about 3 or 4 weeks out when I scheduled it. That was more of a general "this is what ffs is, these are the risks, etc". Then I had to get a face scan, then I had to set up another appointment and that's when they discussed a plan and what they wanted to do for ffs with my specific bone structure and like what they wanted to do with my hairline and so on. Then we set a surgery date which was a few months out. From getting my insurance approval to actual surgery it was like maybe around 12-ish months? This is standard in my area judging by the trans girls I've talked to, hopefully it'll be the same for where you're going.
Oh wow, that's no so bad. 1 year from start to finish is very doable. Very exciting thank you.
Studying is hard. But I'm trying my best and I think it'll do.
On a different note. Holy shit am I isolated from every single other student... Not that I care too much, I just worry about group assignments. The rest I'll do on my own, I don't need help, and I don't need any of them to be my friends, I'm autistic and transgender and I will succeed on my own
@sodium_nitride@hexbear.net I will definitely forget my worries and dance 
Every trans girl either be fretting over the formation of her armies so much they miss the opportune time to strike, or setting out on campaign without enough food stores before the last frost even hits
-GaySunTzu
after experimenting with all sorts of teas in the last few years ive circled back to my favourite just being chamomile. (or if ruling out herbal teas, then just green or black with nothing added). but chamomile really stabilizes me without the sorta weird feeling the caffeinated ones sometimes give.
I love chamomile! I swear it tastes a little sweet even though I don't add any sweetener. And the fragrance is so comforting.
down with cis 
I finally realized I'm non-binary
spoiler
Recently everything in my head all kind of clicked and I was finally able to say it out loud to myself. Turns out when you stop ignoring all the things your brain has been screaming at you it becomes clear pretty quick. I told my lovely supportive partner and it went really well (they're also non-binary and it was no surprise to them). There's no one else in my life I'm dying to tell, but I thought I'd say thanks to all the nice queer people in my phone for their inadvertent help and support
congrats!!!
Thank you!
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