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submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

And so, the time came to finally write my tranniversary mega. I had scheduled MONTHS in advance, in anticipation of making a post celebrating a year of being out as a trans person, celebrating the onset of Pride Month (which should be every month but June is also peak egg cracking season trans-hatch), and going over all of the major things that have happened in the past year. I go to write it a few days before, which says a lot, and… I don’t know what to say. A lot of things ended up happening that make this a different kind of post? I haven’t really been on this bear site in a bit, my mental health took a really horrible turn, I had been burning out for months, and to be honest I’m still recovering. The semester is finally over, and I’m still somewhat volatile, especially in terms of my anxiety. Like, existentially bad. There were also aspects of the site that compounded on issues I was having, and the enjoyment was vanishing, so I decided to take my leave. I did end up staying in tracha by the way, highly recommend joining if you haven’t already. Element has many wonderful tools to help with the anxiety that could come with a chatroom, and I know anxiety quite well 😅. Notifications are easy to disable, or enable if need be, I still get DM notifications. Was also able to turn off my read receipts, which was a huge cause of anxiety for me, it takes a lot less energy to lurk, and now I don’t feel a lingering obligation to say something. I’m getting sidetracked at this point, I don’t want to make the intro longer than the rest of the post, so let’s just get into it.

Part 1: Her/Kit's TranniversaryThis place, this site, certainly helped to crack my egg. It’s what got me to create an account in the first place. I had lurked for a bit, maybe a while, on and off. The kind of thing where I wasn’t in the community, but was still looking at memes and news. Starting to notice the community is when I noticed the quantity of trans people on the site, which was of course very cool. It still is. And hearing others speak of their experiences had me intrigued, in the way that trans-related things did, in the way that it all made me feel uncomfortable at the same time. I felt bad about this, despite knowing it wasn’t from a place of fear or hatred of others, but myself. Seeing people existing in that way, talking about their experiences, making internet posts and memes, made me start thinking about myself, and what I wanted, and that traditionally (and even today) doesn’t go well for me. Defense mechanisms kicked in hard, and so I continued drifting and not knowing why, always getting that funny feeling when those topics came up. It was the constant reminder that this site gave me that got me to start thinking, and many people talked about their feelings, their transitions, their experiences (again, yea this is a big one). They sounded so happy, and I wanted to be happy like that, but that did that mean? Was I really trans? And boom, that’s where the trans mega comes in. Taking in more and more, relating to more and more experiences, hearing people talk about HRT, and my egg was on its way out. At first I felt foreign, like a stalker. I didn’t feel real, I didn’t belong, but at the same time, I wanted this more and more. There were surely negative experiences talked about, but the rose-tinted glasses were on, and I saw what I needed to see. As such I created an account, to get to be apart of the community, yes, but also to start asking questions, start talking to people. I created an account, and in still half in hiding half in denial, I made my PFP an anime girl and I used they/them pronouns “for opsec”. The account is long gone, but she/her pronouns were added pretty quickly, then removed for a bit I think, and then added again. I never stopped using them after that (note: gender kind of messed me up for a while, I ran “any” for a bit). From there it was the Luna account, and then, well, me.

What if HRT could improve my voice? Save my hair? I started asking myself many things that started as soon as I heard that HRT was more than just for feels. I didn’t even have a strong grasp of what it was, let alone what it did. I started researching, spending a lot of time researching, not just HRT but trans feelings, experiences, things I would have never said I felt but buried inside? Always there. I excel at burying my thoughts and feelings, so it really was just one more thing. Still working on this today, for what it’s worth, but I like to think I’ve made major progress at this point. Anyways, eventually HRT became the kind of thing where every change sounded good, except for one. The big one. Or should I say big ones? As much as the body could be changed, and made to more of my liking, once these grew in, they’d never leave. That’s right. Boobs. I had major anxiety over them, didn’t know if I wanted them, even. At the time I was still thinking I would be more nonbinary, femboy adjacent maybe. What if I don’t like them? I don’t think I would, and I want to be able to make that choice, have more control over it. So I looked in to SERMs, and after seeing the side effects I decided against it. Not for a lack of looking into it, but there really isn’t a lot of research on them, and so I decided if I was going to start HRT I was going to have to go “all in”. A bit of a time skip, but a few weeks into starting HRT, I was lying on my chest and it felt sore, hurt decently bad. Wondered if it was my shitty lungs again, but it hurt more than straining to breathe. In two areas, to be specific. To this day it was a huge euphoria hit, and from that moment I’ve wanted them as big as I can get them. I say “prog save me” on the regular, and in a more present note, I’m hoping to start in a few days!!!

It was after confirming I wanted HRT, and also had dysphoria, that I admitted to myself that I was trans. I still felt fake, not real, lesser than, and was still figuring out how exactly I was trans, but I was there for sure. A few weeks later, and I started journaling, at first just gender thoughts, but expanding to my whole life. I’ve been doing so for a year as of May 19th, which also means we’re moving fast from here. I didn’t think I would though, the entire point of the journal was to put my thoughts somewhere, because I planned to hide until I changed my living situation. Safe to say the plan was to wait a while, as I planned on remaining in that situation until I completed my education. Luckily, this didn’t last. My mom started catching on too quickly, in other words, I failed to hide it well. I couldn’t at this point, I had to try everything. Getting cuter shoes when I needed shoes again, shaving more often, shaving my legs. It is a huge autism moment, but when she told me about HRT like I didn’t know anything, I went into an infodump about HRT and SERMs. Yep, I’m trans, ma. I had a feeling at least she would be accepting, for the most part. This was 6 days into the journal lol, no time at all. And on this day one year ago, I would come out to the rest of my immediate family, who all took it quite well. It’s pretty great, they love me lots, although my one gripe is when they try to explain gender or sexuality to me. Is there a word for this kind of “mansplaining”, because I need it.

The speed of which I would go about things increased. I had an appointment for informed consent HRT scheduled just two days later, and a little less than a week after that I was on HRT. From there it’s just been my activity on this site. Learning more, talking to so many nice people, and getting to know some amazing people. Spending a lot of time on the gender carousel, hopping off, getting back on, hopping off (it was a wild ride, although I lied when I said it was fun it hurt like hell). Changing genders like I had to change batteries, questioning my sexuality to an obsessive degree (well I did for gender too). Making memes, shitposting, talking life, and many, many vents. It’s been, despite all the turmoil that came with it, my self-ravaging crises, and all of the pain, one of the best years of my life. There was pain, but there were so many happy moments as well, wonderful moments I hadn’t had anything like in such a long long time. Rather than just having horrible depression, I now have significantly less depression, so much less hopelessness, and a much better grasp of control of my own life (although, still working on that too). My anxiety has gotten a whole lot worse, but that’s because I have something to lose, so many somethings. I fear so much, let so much eat away at me, because I actually care now. I want to know who I am, I want to know what I want, and I want to get to know people, live life, leave my little bubble that I’ve been stuck in for as long as I can remember. I’ve made a prison for myself, and I’ve not even worked my way out yet, but the bars have come down. I’m no longer in the cell, and that is a wonderful thing. I care for people so much more now just as a product of caring more about things now. I already cared a lot about people and life as a concept, it’s what radicalized me, but caring for everything else managed to boost that even more. For the people I care about, I care so much. I fear losing them, so much. I probably don’t have much reason to worry, but since when has anxiety been one for reason? Don’t worry, I’m working on it :>

What else to say? Not sure, to be honest. Life moves on, transition keeps going, and I hope my second year is even better than my first! Meeting trans people has been wonderful. Not in real life, community is dead where I live, trust me, I’ve tried, but people on the mega and tracha! You’ve all talked to me in various degrees, but it’s been wonderful talking to all of you. Thanks for reinforcing the fact that trans people do, in fact exist, in a world where I can count the number of trans people I have seen and know offline to varying degrees on my fingers. Going to hope that I can find some stuff to attend and some people to meet this pride month. I only hope to whatever higher power may or may not exist that their sole method of communication is not fucking discord (or instagram, snapchat, etc. for that matter, but I know people fucking love discord and I hate it with a passion. You may say this isn’t relevant, to which I will say, fuck discord.

Part 2: Monster HunterSo you’re probably wondering what in the world the thumbnail is. Let your eyes be blessed by such a holy sight. You witness the Switch Axe, arguably the best weapon in indie studio Capcom’s only hit (and a mediocre one at best), Monster Hunter World. Want to be an axe lesbian AND a sword lesbian? Want to find genderfluid representation in an inanimate object? Just otherwise hate making choices? Just use Switch Axe, it’s both an axe and a sword!!!

I mean, the insect glaive is also pretty nice, and I do like a lot of the weapons, bit aside. As of late, I’ve put Fire Emblem down in exchange for Xenoblade X and the topic of this part of the post, Monster Hunter. Yes, me, the person who has made multiple megathread posts on Fire Emblem has not touched it in months. I am thinking of running an Enbarr Edition (woke mod) playthrough of Crimson Flower though, so I might be back on FE soon, but for now we’re talking Monster Hunter. Oh, and I’m not getting technical. I do not know much about this game, I just know that it’s fun and I want to share some of why that is! I’m not an expert, I could be wrong on some technical things, and yes I am a poser and started with Rise and World… a couple months after Wilds came out. Truly ahead of the curve.

Monster Hunter is an action RPG developed by... you know what, no. Monster Hunter is a fun game where you hunt big monsters. There are many weapons to choose from, the best of which are Insect Glaive and Switch Axe, sorry to the one Gunlance fan lol I feel bad (/j, all weapons are good) and they all play so differently that changing weapons is such a fresh experience every time. Each weapon has so much to it, so many layers, that many players pick one and stick with it like they’re picking a main in a hero shooter. That’s not even mentioning the monsters. I’ve still barely learned what they all do, because they all feel so different. I know what to expect with some of them, but went and fought some I haven’t done in a while and I’m getting my ass kicked, which is of course the authentic Monster Hunter experience.

Character customization (and feline/canine customization!) is very fun, I had a good amount of hours in the character creators alone. So much to choose from, and there wasn’t free changing at the time (mods my beloved) so I really wanted to make it count. Made designs I liked and then stuck with them, haven’t really changed much. Same with XCX, even with the option to change, and hating having to make a permanent decision, I grow attached to my characters, and then it looks weird when they look different. Although, I did turn them into foxgirls, because they are avatar characters and should be reflexive of the player. Inhales... eepawoo!

So many armors to choose from too! I’ll touch modding here as well, but I unlocked all of the cosmetic armors and it’s such fun dressing my character up! Right now, my character in world is running white hair and a pretty nice black coat, it’s giving more edgy, but I like it (also color matching for anything other than white is tough with the fox stuff on world, so sad). On Rise, I have more of a red theme going on, and although nothing is consistent, running full Mizutsune gear is what I’m doing now, and it’s quite fun! Yeah, that too, a lot if not all of the monsters have their own armor sets, as well as their own cosmetic armor sets, and some have multiple! Customizing to your hearts content is key to the authentic Monster Hunter experience. I’ve also added many other mods, mostly QoL but also some fun stuff. None of it is really game-breaking, but I could if I want to, and that’s powerful, but it’s also nice to be able to tweak the game to however I want to enjoy it!

They also look soooooo good. Rise has it’s charm, especially considering it was made for the Nintendo Switch, but World, oh my gosh. Extremely good looking game. Between that and Xenoblade X I have been spoiled for visuals as of late. So atmospheric and immersive, and the environments are so dynamic, and World captures ecosystems so well. Maps are vast, have variety, have verticality, and even just walking around and exploring is such a treat. The fact that monsters can interact with the environment as well, from breakable objects to nests, is just absolutely wonderful.

There’s a whole lot more I could say, or I couldn’t, I can’t put it into words. Very fun experience, very fun playing with others (not randos I have social anxiety even online), and I got World and the DLC for like 16 USD so that was a huge win. So what are you waiting for? Go play Monster Hunter! Can’t play online for free, but getting it cheaper is a hell of a deal. I bring Xenoblade X up here as well, but these games are solidifying themselves in my top rankings, to be honest. Monster Hunter is a blast and I’ve gotten completely sucked in, and I do intend to play and finish Xenoblade X. It’s quite nice playing all of these new and amazing games :>

And that’s where I’ll leave all of you. I’ll interact with the mega this week, but then, I’m gone. I don’t think I’ll delete this account like I said, but I already unmodded from most places and am logging off. Maybe I’ll come back one day. Maybe I won’t. If I did, I’d happily step up and mod both this comm and the disabled comm again. We have plenty here, but I feel genuinely bad about leaving the disabled comm, and well, I hope that in the event I returned you’d all be happy to have me. Honestly if I had a way to isolate the two comms and be in them, I would o7. Not to shill tracha again, but that’s kind of what it is to me. Everyone I talk to on matrix (which is like one person consistently but brain please shush) is from tracha, and it really is a nice space, albeit one with varying degrees of activity but I’m not the one to complain, and so I'm not. Life is tough, energy is low, and I feel exactly the same way. I guess I keep bringing tracha up to drive home the fact that I’m not dropping off the face of the Earth. I’m still here, not cutting myself off and isolating myself, just trying to get a better hold of my anxieties and other mental stuff and my self. The various batteries of life drain fast, but I’ll keep going. I know many feel those drains too, but just keep going and take any time you may need!

Live as yourselves, strive to grow, stay curious, take that extra step for yourselves, and care for not just the other people in your lives, but yourselves as well. We deserve to live, and we deserve to be here, as ourselves, no matter what others might think or say or do.

May you all have a great week, and HAPPY PRIDE MONTH LET’S GO!!! trans-ferret

celebratory measuresbridget-vibe dancing-roach niko-dance lea-caramelldansen reisen-dance kris-dance susie-dance ralsei-dance snom torture-dance dubois-dance kitsuragi-dance


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(page 4) 50 comments
sorted by: hot top new old
[-] [email protected] 15 points 4 days ago

Just got an appointment set for ear piercings~

[-] [email protected] 7 points 3 days ago

First piercings? I just got mine done a few months ago and having a whole new world of accessories is so much fun.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 3 days ago

Yeah, I've been avoiding them until I felt really sure that I wanted them

[-] [email protected] 6 points 3 days ago
[-] [email protected] 13 points 3 days ago

I hurt myself cooking dinner doggirl-cry

[-] [email protected] 6 points 3 days ago

I feel ya, I cut my left pointer finger this morning when I was cutting a cabbage up. Stung all day and it still hurts.

[-] [email protected] 14 points 4 days ago

🥺My skin is so soft 🥺 I'm such a squishy softie now 🥺🥺🥺🥺 just squishy and soft like an overcooked bean 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[-] [email protected] 10 points 3 days ago

It was the first thing I noticed after starting HRT (besides brain stuff) and it still amazes how quickly my skin went from greasy and rough to this supple, smooth girl skin

[-] [email protected] 7 points 3 days ago

How long did it take for you? I'm about 4.5 months in and noticed it in the past couple days. I also noticed I pretty much don't get acne anymore, even though my diet and sleep habits are just as bad as before lol.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 days ago

It was around week 4 for me. Are you taking spiro? If you're doing monotherapy it might take longer to suppress the T.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 days ago

yes I'm on monotherapy. tbh I think the bigger factor is that about 6ish weeks ago I switched from what I have a feeling was a lowballed prescription dose (also monotherapy) to DIY injections.

[-] [email protected] 10 points 3 days ago

dysphoria, depressionbeen feeling a really deep down dysphoria all throughout the past couple days. the worst kind for me, the envious kind. makes me feel disgusted with my self in a very different way.

the past few days before this I'd actually been feeling kind of alright. anti-depressant was working. I could feel it working. I still had a lot of the bad thoughts, but it let me not spiral out or get stuck in a loop. helped me to not be overwhelmed. it was working with this feeling too at first, just a little bit. felt it but could stop myself from being overwhelmed. but it keeps clawing back, getting stronger.

I keep trying the "right" tools. and they always work for a little while. my last therapist was great, until she fucked up so badly it sent me into a 2 month+ spiral. the antidepressants worked, for just those few days, but now it's like I can't feel them at all. the only things that ever seem to work, to help to push the feelings back, to actually get me to tomorrow, are just ways of slowly destroying myself. It makes me fearful.

[-] [email protected] 13 points 4 days ago

I keep getting men’s fashion videos while scrolling on YouTube Shorts and I feel like it’s all so lame.

[-] [email protected] 16 points 4 days ago

I haven't slept properly in weeks, since night shift started. Every off shift I've got some stupid bull shit like an interview, or vet appointment, drive 5 hours to a different city to pay rent, whatever. Every on shift, dog or cat needs something, someone's cleaning, whatever. This has been the worst stretch of nights I've ever had, in terms of sleep

[-] [email protected] 8 points 3 days ago

Venture life, go get it, burn your dread 🎶

[-] [email protected] 6 points 3 days ago

venting, siToday has been awful. Had to leave work early because I couldn't function. It hurts so much. I just want a break. From everything. idk if I'd return. just please stop i can't do this any more.
spoiler self harm heal, feel worse again, repeat. what a stupid, horrible, painful existence this has been. I just want over, done. To not do stupid stuff any more. I'm tired :::

[-] [email protected] 11 points 4 days ago

Such a big fan of the "white people are crazyyy" genre of films (watching rebel without a cause rn, watched the cook the thief his wife and her lover about a week ago)

[-] [email protected] 22 points 4 days ago

People, a pride month miracle might be happening.

After complaining about laser this week, I shaved yesterday, and my hair hasn't really grown back. Like, I see it in there (still have the shadow), but it hasn't really grown at all.

Something might be happening...

[-] [email protected] 16 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

Was checking out this Bridget mix and looking through the comments which were overwhelmingly sweet and made me smile, but there was this one person:

misgendering, of course

Preserve her masculinity lmao I'm dying. God, look how masculine she is and has always been. Bridget is clearly a masculinity enjoyer speed-dont-laugh

[-] [email protected] 16 points 4 days ago

I have never played a Guilty gear game but my understanding through cultural osmosis was Bridget was assigned male at birth, then raised as a woman to prevent her being killed but despite eventually abolishing the male killing societal structure she continued to present as female because she realized she was a trans woman?

[-] [email protected] 14 points 4 days ago

Wow, you understand the source material better than this person despite never playing it!

[-] [email protected] 16 points 4 days ago

I was a really good ally

[-] [email protected] 14 points 4 days ago

bridget-vibe Me when I try to be masculine

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[-] [email protected] 24 points 4 days ago

I love my cute sleepy wife doggirl-kiss

[-] [email protected] 19 points 4 days ago

2-3 years of HRT and still got no ass sadness

[-] [email protected] 18 points 4 days ago

My mom has a big butt. So do all the other women in her family.

Out of my siblings, neither me nor my sister got to inherit the big butt. Just my cis brother. What the hell, mom.

[-] [email protected] 13 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

Feeling scooped out and hollow lately eugh

animal euthanasiaWe put the cat down, she rallied for a bit but was getting worse. Her last day was spent mostly with me, cuddled up and purring. She of course was walking around, meowing, eating better so I feel shitty about "should we have tried longer" - I reassured my mom that it is time, she is terminal and we know this will kill her and its only a matter of weeks not months, and that its nice that her last day was spent a little happier and feeling better. But I had my own private doubts and fears and cried when I got up to pack her up to go die. Brother was really shitty about it and wished my mom should die the same death the cat did, he blames her for it instead of the cat being almost 20 and it's just... how life goes. My uncle had some kind of nstemi style thing, not taking care of himself at all. He's an antivaxxer so he can't blame covid vaccine for his coronary arteries being 85%+ blocked, he did that all on his own.

Felt like I bombed an interview. Didn't really want the job but the hours would've been nice. It didn't fit into what I want longer term so whatever. Nervous about work in general.

My current work right now is kinda shitty. Manager sucks. Feeling antsy about leaving. I dreaded coming in for over years every shift and now that it's almost over I'm feeling nervous about leaving. All my last shifts are gonna be with one of my coworkers I hate the most gahhh

Also, I am leaving. Mom is gonna be back, won't be able to visit as often as I liked to now. Little sister will finally be back after I move away, she had a hard time dealing with the cat passing away.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 days ago

spoilerI’m really sorry about your friend. When we had to make the same call we knew it was the right move, but that didn’t make it feel any more like the right move. I’m glad she got to spend her last day with a friend, happy and well loved.

It also sounds like your sister was not able to make it back in time. I hope she doesn’t take it too hard if that’s the case.

Just a hard situation all around.

I hope things turn around for you ❤️

[-] [email protected] 12 points 4 days ago

animal euthanasiawe literally had to put our own cat down yesterday, weird how that works out. we're sorry for your loss.

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[-] [email protected] 8 points 4 days ago
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this post was submitted on 02 Jun 2025
83 points (100.0% liked)

traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

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Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.

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