am the world's greatest kindergarten teacher

Can revive the dead

It hurts extremely because your whole body is physically altered.

You shift by magically turning yourself inside out ass first

Every time you do it, you land on a poop

Granted, but your momentum is teleported with you. The earth is hurtling through space at over 100,000 km and you are on its -spinning- surface subjected to multiple momentum influences constantly.

Keep it to short distances and you might be ok, but with distance comes chaos.

You fart continuously while using it.

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information

When you read someone's mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.

but it's flaccid

They are always completely distracted and on their phones the whole time.

Extreme fear of heights

You can only make things worse

You're one of those people who can't click their fingers.

But only spelling or grammar mistakes.

the bullets fire whether your sphincter is open or not