A man wakes up with a hangover after a night of drinking. He doesn't even remember how he got home, and is worried that his wife will be mad.

The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3AM, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm a married man!'"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

"You were such a pious and holy man in life," began St. Peter, "that as a reward you can make one request of me before leaving behind your worldly cares and entering heaven."

"Well," says the priest, "I'd like to read the original manuscript of the Bible."

Even more impressed now than before, St. Peter grants the request and takes the priest to God's own private library, before leaving him to his studies.

Shortly afterward, the priest lets out an unholy shriek. St. Peter rushes into the library and asks, "what is it? What's wrong?!"

And through gritted teeth and streams of tears the priest cried out: "Celebrate! It says celebrate, not celibate!"

Odd that they never re-filled the whale tank

It would have included loops of Star Trek sound effects, but Paramount lawyers said no.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Satriani#Musical_themes

Thank you for your attention, Bajoran workers. This mandatory cultural appreciation moment has been noted on your time cards and will be deducted from your food ration.