Every fucking day. It’s something that haunts me and will do so the rest of my life.

There’s nothing more I want to do with my life than to create one and raise it. It feels like my whole life’s purpose and I can never fulfill it and it kills me on the inside. Such a strong maternal instinct that can never be fulfilled.

To be honest, this feeling is generally a very central part of my dysphoria and severe depression most of the time. It hurts. A lot.

Fortunately there are many ways to have a family where you don't get pregnant. And concerns and intense grief over fertility is something you share with a loooot of cis women, the feminine mystique is very strong. That doesn't take away the grief of not being able to be pregnant. Only to let you know that many of us share the same struggle. Living your life without being able to be pregnant is a life worth living, you can still have children but even if you don't - there are many ways you can improve childrens' lives.

When I was growing up, I was very sure I didn't want children. I even tried to get snipped at 18. Anyway, turns out I really didn't want to be a dad but being a mom would be great! It didn't work with my long term ex and I think I'm starting to get beyond any chance of biological kids. I've thought about adopting or fostering for reunification, I dunno. I have the kids at work (I'm a peds nurse) and that's working for me so far.

For what it's worth, the first children that have been born to women with uterus transplants have already been born, they're like 5 to 10 years old. They just don't allow trans women to have the procedure, but it's something that's happening right now. Maybe like a 12 year old trans girl will be able to get it 15 years from now or maybe in the next 5 years it'll be more open. We have the same blood vessels, we can take immunosuppressants, we can get the organ.

Because you’re still in your early 20s. You still have all your life ahead of you. So many things can change in just a few years even if they seem out of reach for now. When I was your age, I thought that I would never be able to get HRT and completely lost hope. But my dad managed to convince me to keep trying and even though it took 5 years, I finally got it in the end.

The same could be true with you having children. Uterus transplants are already a thing for cis women and I think it’s only a question of time that it will be accessible for us too and as I said: You’re still very young and you have lots of time left.

And even if it turns out to not be feasable, there is still the option of adoption or maybe surrogacy if that’s legal in your country. You’re not going to experience pregnancy this way, but breastfeeding can also give you motherly feelings.

So I hope you can handle your dysphoria for now and maybe stumble upon a solution that works for you in the future. Wish you the best.