askchapo

I'm NT. The reason it's considered rude is because it can feel like you're trying to compete or to make it about yourself. Usually when someone shares a story like that, they want the focus to be on them for a bit. It's fine to say, "I can relate," or, "I know how that feels," but it's usually best to save the whole story for later.

Everybody does this ND and NT alike, it is natural to want to share how you can relate to another's situation.

Depending on the context, it can be seen as trying to "one up" somebody else, it really depends on the person and your relationship. I would say generally the closer the relationship, the more likely they do just want to vent and need a friend to listen.

Personally I would almost never get offended if someone shares how they can relate to me, and probably actually prefer it, but that's just me.

Neither NTs or NDs are a monolith.

Not NT, but going to just say that this is one of the ways NT and ND communication differs.

It's pretty common that Actually Autistic, ADHD and some other neurodivergent brains share relatable stories as a way to connect and empathize.

While all parties can in these situations work to better accomodate the other, ND folks are a minority and more vulnerable in their position. A NT person can ask us to not share stories and explain they just need to vent, but them getting angry at us for our relatable story sharing is not ok and is a problem that forces masking and dismisses our completely valid communication style.

It's a common thing for ND people to do as it allows us a a way to demonstrate empathy. The problem is that most NTs can interpret it as being off topic or making it about yourself. What they probably want in the conversation is to vent/express their emotions to another person. If you bring up a similar event that happened to you, they don't get that opportunity.

A good way to channel that impulse is to bring it up briefly and then immediately bring the topic back to them. Show them that you understand but still keep the conversation centered around them and their feelings.

"Hey, my mom died recently so I'm not feeling great."

"I'm so sorry, my mom died last year so I know what you're going through. How are you holding up, do you need anything?

Not NT but halfway decent at "translating" my thoughts into socially acceptable behavior.

CW death of parent and dog

Once I saw a panel discussion about some community problems. For some reason this moment really stuck with me and I think of it often.

An activist was addressing an elected politician who was also on the panel. The activist was talking about all the people they have known who have suffered due (ultimately) to policy decisions. Many people dead, injured, relationships destroyed, other kinds of harm. They were saying names of people they had lost and what circumstances had hurt them. They were crying and speaking from their heart describing the problems in the community which were clearly overwhelming.

Then the politician's turn came and they said "Oh I totally understand that, I've had it happen in my own life". Proceeded to tell a story about close friend. Friend had been driving some fancy fast car while high/drunk, got into a big crash and was charged with DUI. They were facing the possibility of substantial incarceration due to priors. However friend's parents being wealthy and powerful, they got off with no consequences. (That was literally how the politician told the story, I am not editorializing.) Ending with something like "so that was lucky."

In that moment it was a very bone-headed thing to do because the fact is that the politician simply has nothing in their life which can compare to living in a community which is marginalized and constant target of oppression as the activist had. They shouldn't have tried because it was so minimizing and made it appear the politician basically didn't hear anything the activist had said. And for whatever it is worth I bet my left pinky toe this politician is NT.

So that is an extreme example of when not to reply in kind. Some times another person's experience is so far removed from your own. Like if someone tells me about how they escaped torture and lived in a refugee camp I won't follow up with "Ya traveling is really hard" and tell a story of how I got stuck in a train station for 12 hours because I missed a connection or something.

Other times you might have a similar experience but if the other person still wants to talk, or is looking for a signal that you are interested to hear more, you can share it in an inviting way.

Example which contains potential lines of conversation, I used the example of sharing about death of a parent; nothing specific.

I think when someone is sharing something personal/sensitive and then the subject suddenly shifts away from their own experience, it can be a bit discombobulating. Like they are being vulnerable, opening themselves up, it's soft and tender in there. They are looking inward on themselves, but suddenly attention is shifted to another person and they have to divert their attention to digesting this other story. It can feel demanding. They also may not have gotten to the end of the story yet. Sometimes what the person really wants to share with you, comes later. but they need to tell the first part in order for you to understand the next thing. So by then going and telling something else, it detours their narrative and the conclusion is not reached.

And when you have geared yourself up to tell someone something that is really hard, but can't get there because the person basically cuts you off, it feels bad, like you are defeated. It can leave the relationship worse off than when the conversation started, rather than stronger.

My feeling is that you should introduce the subject of your own experience in a way that is initially brief, relates to what they said on an emotional level (not a factual one), and communicates that you are still interested to hear more from them. But of course context is everything.

Context might matter.

For an event that just happened, maybe the person is looking more to be the center of attention than looking for a person with a shared experience. Same might be applicable if a person is acting upset.

When the even has happened farther in the past it is probably more likely (and more appropriate) to share your story/experiences as an act of comiseration.

Even among n'typicals we don't really know how to handle things.

One of my parents died years ago while I had a full time job, so I gave HR a heads up that I might need to do some short warning "I'm not going to make it to work today to go deal with beauracracy" call-ins. HR let one of my bosses know and they tried to talk to me about it but just kept awkwardly repeating how much it would devastate them if their parent died. While understandable it put me in a situation where I didn't really know how to comfort them being upset that my parent's death got them thinking about their parent hypothetically dying. I just politely nodded until they decided to go away. It was a... very... long five minute interaction.

Edit: not neurotypical, but replying anyway I guess :P

Oops, I did this exact thing with this comment. Then I quickly edited it to add a spoiler warning that I'm just going off about my own shit. Thankfully Tommasi didn't take it badly but it has happened to me before. Although when I do talk to other autistic people irl, I notice they do it too, so I just view it as a way that the person I'm talking to is relating their own experience to something I said and letting me know they understand what I'm saying by giving an example from their own life.

I used to do this, and once I became conscious of the fact that I was doing it, I now make a conscious effort to just not come off like I'm trying to one-up the other person or make it about me. That's the most important part.

People generally respond very well to short, sympathetic stories when they are looking for comfort. If you have any doubts, a simple "I've been there and I know how you feel" is always going to be acceptable.

Many NTs communicate like thas too, and most of the time won't think anything negative about someone doing it. Like most social stuff, it really depends on context

The situations where I've found it really off-putting is when you've been in a conversation with someone for a while and it's mainly been about them and their problems. If I then try to talk about something that's been bothering me and they immediately go right back to a story about themselves it seems less like they're trying to relate and more like they dislike it when they're not the focus of the conversation and don't care about me. If the conversation has been more balanced up until that point it doesn't come of as so self-centered.

If you're unsure, you can keep the conversation focused on them for a while and then tell your own story after. You don't have to just tell them shallow, stock responses either. You could, and it's probably better, to ask questions about how they feel or their plans going forward or whatever else is relevant to the story.

It really depends, honestly. Some people just want someone to listen to them. Some people want to be empathized with and sharing from your own experience can be part of that. There's not really a hard and fast rule to follow unfortunately.

basically my entire friend group and family is autistic so advice may not apply to NTs

i always try asking the person what they want/need from me- like if they come to talk to me and are clearly upset, i ask "hey, what's the best way to support you rn? you wanna rant to me, problem solve, share experiences?" that kinda thing. obvs sometimes people don't know what they need and may need a minute to figure it out, but it's become automatic to us now so i don't often need to ask

also just to clarify- people haven't said you're being rude to your face/made any implications you've picked up on? i've seen people talk about it too so completely understand the worry over it. also culture impacts this kinda thing a lot (as a non-american, i've personally only seen americans say its rude, but social media focuses on them so much idk anymore). if nothing else, you could preface any story with "i experiences a similar thing so totally get where you're coming from" as it might drive the "i'm not trying to make this about me, just supporting your emotions" point home more.

regardless, communication is important and the people worth sticking around should want to talk about these kinda things with you so everyone is supporting each other correctly

Depends on the similarity of involved emotions (at the moment) and issues, is it one on one or in group (here might be advisable to dodge like 80 percent of the times if you are first to do so) and random stuff.