Very weird thoughts are popping into my mind.

I socially transitioned to a man a few years ago, but only recently started hrt. In reality I’m probably some form of gender fluid/non binary leaning masculine, but I go through life as a guy because I’d rather not explain my unconventional gender experience to everyone I meet. The hormone treatment is making me realise that I’m sort of making this transition thing permanent, and now I get frequent flashbacks of me being a woman and it’s making me nostalgic. I really loved the way I looked as a young woman, and I was very good at exploiting my femininity for social and political gain. It’s just that in my day to day life I feel much more comfortable as a man.

Soon after I transitioned socially I became a labour organiser. It’s only now that I start to question if I would be a more effective organiser when I present as a woman. I haven’t tried it so I have no idea. It probably depends on where I’m organising, but generally I think as a woman I’d be able to kind of seduce people to a first meeting where it would be easier to get them to engage. On the flip side I would also be taken less seriously when I teach people about organising.

This is a super weird train of thought but generally I think my position is that I have already devoted my life to organising and have sacrificed a lot for it. What if I didn’t go through with hrt so I can potentially organise more effectively while I present as a guy in my private life with a bit more effort?

My first reaction to that thought is that I’m probably better at organising if I feel most comfortable which is as a guy. But I still can’t shake the thought of wanting to seduce people towards organising because it sounds so fun and romantic. Maybe I can learn how to seduce as a guy.

Would love to know if other people have similar thoughts about using their gender expression for efficiency or gain.