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I’m feeling so fucking paralysed right now (Palestine). (hexbear.net)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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I just can’t. When it started, I followed everything. I read up on it. I followed the news. I tried to reason with the people in my life. With some, I succeeded. Others, not so much.

But as this has carried on, I’ve distanced myself more. Every time I open Twitter or tiktok and see the videos and the comments and the news my heart just breaks and I have to close the app. The less said about Reddit the better. I’d still follow it, and still try to counter the irl propaganda, but not as much. I started watching old shows and other stuff. I needed to get my mind off it. That’s what it was for the past week. A conflict is happening. Innocents are dying. You donate, you support irl when there are protests, you counter some propaganda but you try to live your life.

But since today I’ve not been able to do anything. I can’t cook. I can’t talk. I break down into sobs. opening the apps or reading the news leaves me paralysed. The entire day all I did was move from the bed to the sofa. There is a genocide happening and I can’t do anything. I can’t get my mind off it. All our governments are supporting it. I knew, of course, that this happened in the past. Even this century. But seeing it happen in front of your eyes is… I just can’t.

I don’t know how journalists at places like Al Jazeera or online steamers like Hasan have been able to cover this news for the past 20 days. Above them, I don’t understand the bravery and courage and I don’t even know, the human spirit, of Palestinians, who’ve survived and continue to survive.

I’m not religious or spiritual but I wish and hope and pray that there is a heaven for everyone who has suffered and a hell for every Zionist and imperialist who has cheered on this genocide.

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[–] [email protected] 45 points 1 year ago (3 children)

At a certain point I believe that committed activists need to lean into a sort of jaded attitude that comes from overexposure to these things. Hear me out before you judge what I'm saying though.

You sound like you're probably reaching a threshold where you either continue on your current path and burn out completely or you close your heart to the suffering and retreat into denial. Or maybe the former and then the latter, in that order.

Neither are viable options imo. So, what do?

My position is that you've already seen enough and heard enough. At some point, consuming media about this has become counterproductive and it's sapping your ability to effect what little change you're able to with regards to the ongoing genocide against Palestinians.

If it's killing you then you need to kill it.

I would encourage you to consider actively disengaging from media about this and to lean into being jaded. You've already seen just about the worst that Israel and its enablers have been able to do. For what you haven't yet heard of and what hasn't yet happened, you're completely able to believe that they're capable of it. So, is it truly necessary for you to learn any more about it?

Personally, I don't think so.

Acknowledge that there are no lengths that Israel wouldn't go to in order to achieve their dreams of a complete genocide of Palestinians. Reconcile yourself to this reality. Then disengage from media on this and focus on achieving what change you are able to effect in your own life. This will likely take some time before you're able to do so because you're likely going through a process of grief and you need to allow yourself the grace to experience this first.

What Palestinians need is people who are able to speak out and to take actions to support their struggle for survival and for liberation. I don't mean to diminish your suffering at all but ultimately if you are sidelined because of the psychological anguish you are experiencing then you are not in a place to be able to be an advocate and an activist for Palestinians and so, paradoxically, being completely across all of the atrocities committed against the Palestinian people is counterproductive to what they need from you.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago

Same. Eventually you get numb and just keep on going, maybe have a devastating emotional breakdown every few years. Try to focus on the long term instead of each new day of horror.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago

personally, i just sat down and cried. it's a horrifying thing beyond my fleshy brain's capacity to comprehend, a scale of tragedy i'm literally not wired to understand except as snippets of individual suffering and the knowledge that it's actually happening. i needed to drop the masculine stoicism for a bit, cry, and just mourn. it's awful i have to do that in private because people would think i'm being ridiculous for crying over something happening in the news an ocean away, but even so i still have to at least process this.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Alot of leftist and anti-imperialist positions need to be pushed with a cold "goes without saying" approach.

It seems to be up to the Palestanian ambassadors to be cool and collected when defending their right to exist on CNN or the BBC days or hours after a relative or friend of theirs has died. They know preventing any more carnage is hopeless but they also know it's a long game and that they only lose when they just quit.

We will need the same approach to climate change and ecological breakdown. Whatever damage is done. We need to take what is left and carve out some sort of a equitable future.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I feel that. I've tried to avoid seeking out freaks to argue with online, but I feel so fucking useless. What power do we have? Who can we get to stop this? This has been going on for days now. For months, for 75 years. But I feel like no one I know even knows it's happening. I've got no one I trust enough to talk with about it, as if I'm stupid for even paying attention, cuz like what good does that even do.

I'm not on fedbook, i have no idea if there's a protest in my city. Every protest i go to feels like a bad theater production, but even so, i'm going to the state capitol tomorrow, i need to find someone else there who cares.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago

I'm not on fedbook, i have no idea if there's a protest in my city. Every protest i go to feels like a bad theater production, but even so, i'm going to the state capitol tomorrow, i need to find someone else there who cares.

parades don't do anything, but they are a networking opportunity for actual direct action groups. if there's military industrial complex in your state maybe you can find enough comrades to conveniently have car trouble on the same day blocking the roads to the factory or whatever so those people can't go to work.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 year ago (1 children)

i just do what i always do with this shit, i prepare talking points ahead of time and let 'em out when i hear people IRL saying them. i try to be good to people so they trust the guy that fixed their flat when he says israel is commiting deliberate genocide against the palestinians in order to steal their land. i keep my voice even, soft, and nonjudgemental, and i tend to get a "huh" after. i can't ever be confident i'm doing all the motions right, i'm always going to be the weird autistic guy that uses generosity as a crutch for social interactions, but it's moved the needle with some people. i'm pessimistic that this is going to be stopped anytime soon by popular outrage, but i'm hoping i'm at least serving as that strong seed of doubt in minds that'll resist narratives years from now that what happened was OK.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

i'm always going to be the weird autistic guy that uses generosity as a crutch for social interactions,

.. fuck. You just described my approach to socializing in its entirety

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

how close are you to this / are you neurodivergent? i have some palestinian friends and i strongly urged them to install ublock origin and use its element blocker. they were talking about the news aggravating their ptsd and stuff

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I've learned how to keep abreast of what's going on in the world without diving too deep into it or forcing myself to engage with it emotionally too much. It's simply too taxing. Learn when to pull away. It's okay to take a breather sometimes, and distract yourself.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

but how? I've lost literally all motivation and wish I had the courage to end it. I cannot read, watch movies, talk, work, clean my home, pet my cat, eat, go out, play games, play guitar, write, it's all gone. when I was young I often asked myself what i would have done during the nazi/holocaust time. now there is an ongoing genocide, the world is cheering on it, and I'm not able do anything at all for others or myself. I need modalfinil to get out of bed, then I need diazepam to not freak out and get panic attacks. then I need alcohol to not go completely crazy. how to pull away Emotionally when it infested every thought and feeling and sense of identity I ever had. today I didn't even read any news and still woke up crying for 20 minutes straight before I went on with what I just described.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago

You're deep in depression now and no pithy advice I give you can dig you out of it. I would say that combining alcohol with diazepam and modalfinil is just a terrible fucking idea though, it pretty much negates the effects of your meds. Quit drinking and you'll probably see some improvement after a few days. Maybe smoke weed instead?

Or better yet, is there someone in your life that you can reach out to for help and support, like, have them there with you physically? Having someone to share the burden could help.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

I've felt that way before. I don't have any advice, but I'm rooting for you. I hope you feel better soon.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Don't wake up with moda that sucks. Be good to your body. If you kill yourself that'd be no good to anybody, least of all you. Please take whatever small steps you can to help yourself feel better, things that are within your grasp right now. Take caffeine instead of moda and melatonin instead of alcohol. I wrote up some suggestions, but it sounds like they may not be things you can do right now.

Like my friends I go to the marches that change nothing, write and call my representatives, etc. Personally I am going to give new-to-me local orgs the old college try, and if they suck or don't accept me, shrug and start researching for adventurism. Kind of like how suicidal people feel a sense of relief once they have a plan. I'm so furious and resentful that nothing I learn about Gaza will change my opinion, so what's even the point of learning more and more details. Before (well, concurrently with) Palestine there have been other genocides. We are living in the fourth reich.

I was recently (3 weeks ago) struggling with getting out of bed in the mornings, half-assing my work and stressing about it as a result, and compulsively using my phone for 6+ hours a day. I did some reading and currently think of discipline as like a muscle. You get a limited out of exertion out of it until you have to rest. But you can train it, by doing things that are uncomfortable but not enough to completely exhaust you. So you should structure your day to require as few "hard choices" as possible, and add some back in to challenge you in an achievable way. For the last couple weeks I've been getting up at 8am or earlier, which is a big change for me, logging more work hours, and getting more personal tasks done after work. Progress is not uniform but I've felt better off. Some things I have been doing

  • Vastly reduce screen time. Unfortunately I have a computer job so I can't completely remove myself from temptation. I installed an app to lock my phone except for 12-1pm (lunch) and 5-6pm (dinner) and limits total time to 1 hour. There's a complicated password that I have to retrieve from my gun safe if I need to unlock the restrictions for, e.g., google maps in the evening or a 2FA password at work.
  • Consistent wakeup time every day (weekends and weekdays the same). The body gets used to it and will wake up on its own if you are getting enough hours of sleep. But you need to jump start the habit. This requires:
  • Consistent bedtime. I'm actually up well past my bedtime tonight and will pay for it in the morning. Might get a coffee. Our bodies evolved to give us a little rush of energy when the sun went down, so we can "set up camp" to sleep safely. They have not evolved since electric light was invented. Schedule a bedtime that gives you 8 hours of sleep. 60-90m before that, wind down whatever you're doing, take melatonin, and start getting ready for bed. Read a book if you have some extra time. No screens. Half an hour before your scheduled bedtime, you should be in bed with the lights off.
  • Cold shower in the morning to try to practice discipline. This doesn't help me wake up or anything and there's no health benefits. It's unpleasant but it will not hurt you, it's not that different from swimming in a lake anyway, you should be able to do it, etc etc. To make it easier on myself, I got a nice shower speaker and I always eat a meal before my shower so I am not too cold. There's a nice little rush once you prove to yourself that you can do difficult things. It's similar to how I feel before and after deadlifting.
  • "Mandatory" meal times. I'm prone to just continuing to work or type or whatever as I get hungry, and by the time I'm so hungry I can't focus on whatever I'm doing I also struggle to make myself cook. Now I get up from my work at noon and 5pm and cook. It helps that the phone dopamine hit is only available during these hours, and I have to walk to the kitchen to get my phone anyway.
[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

❤️❤️❤️

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

good luck comrade. we are fighting structural forces that want us distracted, pliable, frozen - anything but effective revolutionaries. I hope you feel better

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm normally not affected much by anything, no matter how fucked, but this shit has been getting me down.

I just keep reminding myself that the West is finally starting to wake up to this, like we've never seen before, and we still don't know how far Israel will be able to go. If they're delayed enough in this genocide we could have a positive turn after obviously a lot more bloodshed. I have a little bit of optimism to hold on to still. It's just so fucked though

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I truly think the reason Isreal had delayed going in this long is because they know it's the beginning of the end for them.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago

Journalists and folks like Hasan have a practiced professional distance that they internalize. I think in this instance they are having that tested - particularly the Al Jazeeera journalists who've lost their families in the last 3 weeks and continued to report.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago

saw this image and thought about you

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

The only person who I feel comfortable speaking about this with irl because I know she cares about Palestinian lives, even she told me - "things like this don't really get me down on a personal level" - and ever since, I just can't help wondering... How? Every day I read about a new atrocity that's being celebrated/defended/denied by the west, and I ask myself How? How can it not get you down on a personal level? How is that possible?

If it isn't the fact that a genocide is unfolding right now as we speak, then surely it must be the fact that people are so stupid or racist or brainwashed that they cheer it on. Or that the imperialists can justify their mass slaughters and deny the hospital bombings and anything else that reveals they are monsters, and people always believe them. One of these things HAS to hurt deep down, hit something inside as you confirm in real time how methodically evil acts and how easily it wins.

I just don't understand how you can't be paralysed by this. HOW can it not get you down on a personal level.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

All I can say is same. It makes me sick. I'm disgusting by the people around me and in power. Moreso than ever. Everything seems so pointless now.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago

Are you doing anything? Have you had the opportunity to organize, show up in person to something, and actually take action? Any right thinking, compassionate person will be struggling with what's happening. The only solution is to join an organization and take action

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

We all cross it at some point. It doesn’t get easier but it does

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

the usual line that this is unhealthy, unproductive, self-harm etc is true enough but I just want to add my perspective that we're all trying to navigate the insanity of hell world however we can and I'm not going to tell anyone not to doomscroll and cry if that's all you can do to feel human

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Less media more meeting people at pro Palestine protests

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Watch this motivational video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfc1MRVmJYs

Take in the pain, then heads up and do activist shit for a better tomorrow for everyone

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

We can't do everything, so we do what we can. March, post, talk, donate. It's not enough but it is having an effect.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Yes you can. The fact that we are discussing this in English online I'm going to guess you are somewhere in the Imperial core? You don't have to do everything, take care of yourself frist. Once you have a good mindset, there are still things you can do, whether that's writing letters, signing petitions, going to protests, participating in BDS, spreading awareness about BDS lists, fighting fascist propaganda online, we all have our part to play. Every time I find myself going into a sad shame spiral regarding this, I remember that we all stand on the shoulders of giants and that those on the front lines need our strength to help them. You got this.