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spoiler
I feel awful. It's all I can think about. They're going to genocide us. All I want is to try and fix my broken body. Why did this have to be me. Why do I need to suffer like this. My only chance at being alive.
I've been sober for like 2 months and I think I'm giving that up tomorrow. I wasn't really sober for any real reason and I may as well cope however I can.
Even without fearing for the future and being targeted ts sucked.
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I just wish life wasn't so painful.
Came out to a friend today and we’re still friends :)
I've been toying around with the idea of one particular middle name, I like it and it flows well, not 100% sure but idk. Its been a thought in my mind for a while. But the gmail is open so 
I couldnt choose a first name so i have a bunch of middle names
I made my middle name the name I would've given a daughter if I would've had one
I honestly hate the idea of having kids, I've really never fantasized about having them.
That's a good idea though if you wanted them.
I honestly hate the idea of having kids, I've really never fantasized about having them.
mood tbh
my middle name is the first name that my mom was thinking of giving her daughter if she got one 
by the time she got one I could choose my own though 
I have the perfect idea for a drag/burlesque performance! Now to just figure out the costuming, props, choreography...
finally made the switch to android after way too long:tm: and wow its kind of great ey
Good job on making the switch. Hope your new setup serves you well.
The tone of this post should not be taken as depressive or neurotic, but rather psychotic
cw:si
Kinda crazy isn't it? Yesterday I was pleasantly dreaming about my friend choking me and snapping my neck to death. Today, he was sitting in front of me and we had a mundane conversation about homework. I looked him in the eye as if nothing happened. It wasn't hard. I was sorta feeling fucked yesterday for having that dream, but now I don't even feel that.
If any of my friends knew about what I was feeling, they wouldn't want to be my friends anymore. I wouldn't blame them. It wasn't even a sexual dream, which could just be explained away as "attraction happens". No, it was this psycho shit.
I also had impulsive thoughts while meeting other people about asking them to help me kill myself.
I feel a sense of pride. I am going to be the toughest case that my GP assigned psychologist has seen in their career. Hopefully anyway.
kink, mental health
it's kinda funny thinking about and comparing my progress with comfort and openness on sexuality. ten years ago I was repressing just Everything About Myself and a side effect of that is I was like cripplingly uncomfortable with anything sexual, my friends would joke that I was basically a puritan. Now I semi-regularly have group chats with the same friends talking about stuff like "if you wanna lick marinara sauce off your partner's boobs you can just ask, that's incredibly mild"
replace the Dorito dust with nooch covering me and I really have to wonder if I'm any better than your typical gamer
Yes but not by much 
wish my Friday nights weren't so lonely
The wait for insurance to kick in at jobs is so silly. You already hired me, just give me insurance already 
How is this even a thing, at all?
The council has convened and made a decision.
Boobs? Incorrect.
Butt? Also incorrect.
Skincare? 
Face? 
So this is the Council Communism I've heard so much about. 
Attraction is relative and no "council" can make objective or conclusive judgements like this 
Evidence prog works
if only it was cheaper
mh
Dooming hard lately. Can't find the will to do anything. I have nowhere to escape to, no money to escape with even if I did, and my skills are devaluing faster than I can save up. I wanted to get into nursing since that seems like a role that's in demand no matter where I end up but it feels like I'm running out of time. I'm gonna keep pushing forward just from lack of options but I don't have a lot of hope rn
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I started nursing school at 30. I wasn't even the oldest in my class
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Oh I'm not worried about my age, I've known people who've gone into it later in life. I feel like I'm out of time due to the rapidly rising fascist state and their laser focused oppression toward trans people. Not knowing what's going to happen makes it really hard to plan ahead.
spoiler
Feeling like I'm running out of time at the very beginning of my life and transition :kitty-cri:
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It sucks a lot. You worked so hard to get this far. You don't deserve to be made to feel this way
who up takin fat rips out of they SilkBong right now? 
Fuck it feels so bad today. Dysphoria has been real bad lately.
spoiler edit: things
-Feeling alone and isolated from basically everyone irl, even after coming out. There's a huge barrier there and its lonely.spoiler
This has been nothing but a source of pain for me. I don't know how to deal with all of it. There's so many things 
-Being trans + ND really shoots my dating options in the foot. I have been really wishing I had someone.
-Facial hair is brutal
-Everything about sex is brutal
-My fucking voice, oh my god I cant stop grieving my voice. Its never going to be okay and its so important.
-All the other dysphoria, the vague wrongness, all of that
-Everything about how society sees me
-Everything about the rise of fascism and trans women being one of the main targets
-Being so far behind everyone else, in everything. Fashion, makeup, college, etc. Everything is behind because I'm trans + the depression
-Constant depression etc from all of this
-Never getting a break
Any of these things would be bad enough on their own but I legitimately can't cope with all of this. This is the most painful experience ever. I can't get over it, I can't cope with it, it doesn't go away. fuck all of this. :::
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I empathize and I'm sorry it knocking you about, I am transitioning in my mid 30s and feel so behind at times too.
I'm sorry your plans around HRT have been delayed, because I think it would be really good for your mental health. I felt enormous relief immediately because now I wasn't losing time, any delays or slowness socially were a chance to give it time to work. It has also with time made me less upset about my body, like chest hair between my breast is kind of cute and funny not the horror I had before, etc
The fasicism uh 
Almost 40 gang
Wish I’d known in my mid 20s but tbh I also was not ready for it
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Yea, it would have been really nice to have it already. tbh a bit stressed about time and starting- it obviously sets a timer and I have to be out. Also very worried about looking visibly trans which is which again is just a timer hrt starts. It will be nice to not be worrying about any more masculinization though.
Yea not really much to do about that :/
spoiler sh
Urges are back again
:::spoiler
Fuck sake. All because of some stupid genetic mistake or hormone issue. Why did this have to be my life. Just suffering.
trans girl sliding into my DMs the other day so down horrendous for me that it's a big red flag but I'm horny enough to ignore it
I’m considering seeing a therapist about gender stuff in order to help me process everything better, but I’m having a really hard time getting over the idea that wherever they keep their records is somehow going to end up in the hands of genocidal maniacs looking for some slurs to kill.
But yeah learned today that the word twink is taken from the word twinkie 
why didn't I realize this sooner
What about twink in WOW
I played WOW once but never got past the full install thing so I can't say
homophobia
I think that twink in the WoW sense originated in a derisive, "Gay is the worst thing to be," just in the gay-as-a-universal-insult way from the time but also maybe because their gear was always just wildly colourful in that early WoW way. I didn't start playing until the final patch of vanilla tho so it's admittedly more than a little bit of speculation on my part.
No way! I thought it was like something about twinkling gear?? You know it does track that it was probably more a slur
It is an ancient term, which in fact is a competition to become the most twinkling twink.
I read it in a book that was talking about demonic twinks 
Do you think Rachel Pollack ever played Morrowind?
They're gonna run a mind scan on me at the psychologist's place and the results will say that I'm lacking in the vitamin. I'll just need to start taking supplements for the vitamin and I'll become an interesting, capable and studious person again!
cw:si
I'm back to fantasizing about dying again. Yesterday I dreamed that my friend just choked me to death. It's not the sexy kind of "I wanna die " fantasy either. It's the bad kind, easy to mix them up, I know.
Frankly, I'm even having trouble focusing on doing homework or studying. I would love to say that taking time off will help, but it won't. Not that I can afford it anyway. I'm still dragging myself to college everyday despite being sick and feverish.
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