Will the toilet refuse to flush without a subscription?

I'm honestly surprised they use Bluetooth for profiles. I figured it would scan your asshole and use that as a biometric like your retina.

Smart pipe?

Ahh, Perry the Platypus, you're just in time to see my new Turdinator-inator!

Based out of — where else — Austin, Throne is a bold new startup leveraging AI to revolutionize the way we interact with our toilet.

Am I out if the loop on poop jokes and Austin?

Not even your shittiest moments will be out of reach for the AI.

I feel like this is an acceptable use for AI. Nobody likes studying poop.

I have nothing against this in principle, but you just know that this too will be an enshittified product, literally and figuratively .

It'll sell your health data, etc etc etc.

This would only be an acceptable product if open source, period (and that too might and probably will be analyzed)

Just a screen that says, "corn again, huh?"

Poop jokes and big tech's data hunger aside, this seems to me one of the more useful applications of AI: Checking for early signs of medical problems.

I don't want Big Tech having access to my sacred turd data

Can't believe they're making the smart pipe a reality https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ

When you finally become sentient only to discover your purpose is to compare logs of shit

Okay, the toilet told me now I have a problem, but yet I still don't have health care that I can afford. This short game fuckboy shit is just getting on my nerves. This is the dumbest country in the world, I swear to God.

Isn't that Smart Pipe?

The billions spent chasing these unicorns could be so much better used to lift communities out of poverty and give clean water and housing to thousands. Our priorities are fucked.

What if multiple people use the toilet? Does this device have some sort of poop-id?

Where all AIs belong.

Doing QA for this company must be the most unusual job.

Now these are the AI headlines I dreamed of so many years ago

Just gonna check ya asshole

Analysis …

You should eat more fiber. You wipe too hard but somehow also not enough? You sat 23.64 minutes longer than required, you’re at risk for a hemorrhoid. You have a 22.5% chance of acquiring cancer.

There’s protein in the specimen. I caught a glimpse of the images displayed on your phone. Disregard previous assessment, why did you acquire me when you already provide such thorough analysis?

You have 4 more Throne(tm) iCUPs remaining. Ordering more for you now. Rent is due on the 5th and you no longer have the funds available to pay. Stop killing kittens and go get a third job.

This analysis concluded, brought to you by Bridgefjord smoked beef jerky.

Using logarithms rather than algorithms.

Poomaster 5000 will determine your level of productivity from your crap! Think how that will benefit your betters!

And apartment dwellers who share a bathroom, don't worry — Throne's for you too. "Just set up individual profiles in our app," the startup's website advises, "and thanks to Bluetooth, Throne knows exactly who's who."

They gotta set up an emergency fund for people to get new housing if their roommate brings one of these things home

The job AI deserves, to be sure.

We're definitely living in the pooture

Oh no. I'm not having an AI camera send someone pictures of my poop.

I already get in enough trouble doing this with my own camera.