this post was submitted on 30 Dec 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

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Here's to a new year! Here's my first mega try (also first time posting in a while due to reasons) but heya! Admittedly struggled a fair bit with self doubt and anxiety on this one as put it off for a while/other things caught up with me but I figure I'll be glad I did it once I've done it. It's kinda being done last minute though, so admittedly there's that...

I'd been intending to make the mega about something else originally when I signed up, but that would require more time on my part (and I just binge read this recently, so it all works out). Anyways, my subject of the week is The Summer Hikaru Died; it's a queer (BL) horror manga which is currently also scheduled for anime release next year (2025).

Content warnings naturally follow and further details will be spoilered.

CONTENT WARNINGSGrief, body horror and (very debatably IMO) mild gore, supernatural horror (ghosts/"impurities", otherworldly entities), death I suppose though that one's a given

PremiseThe titular Hikaru went for a walk in the woods, died, and something came back wearing his body, something that doesn't quite know how to be human or mortal; "Hikaru" returned, to ensure that his best friend, Yoshiki, would not be lonely. Romantic tension (and tension of a less pleasant kind) ensues.

The plot/things I like about it thus far (light spoilers)Yoshiki and "Hikaru" have an absolutely great dynamic- their relationship may not be fully healthy, but their intentions seem to both be in the right place, as are their deep feelings (Yoshiki's for Hikaru and increasingly for "Hikaru," and Hikaru and "Hikaru's" own true feelings) and honesty in this regard, despite the latter "Hikaru" being effectively an imposter of sorts. (it's complicated, but these are increasingly distinguished separately and I really like that process as well)

"Hikaru" is, while not quite a blank slate, extremely new to the concept of even just "being" in the sense that mortal creatures and individual organisms(?) do. They've had to learn (and Yoshiki has had to confront them about) the value and significance of life and death; they've increasingly established boundaries, and they approach the world with a liveliness and curiousity that is really cute (the original Hikaru was also lively FWIW, but "Hikaru" is experiencing everything anew even if they retain the memories).

Yoshiki, on the other hand, is both grappling with his grief and loss of Hikaru, while finding comfort (and discomfort alike) in his imposter, and in guiding them through a new world or state of being. He's finding his resolve and moral/ethical backbone interacting with "Hikaru" (very blue-and-orange morality dynamics, though they're learning), he's experiencing what could be described as a rocky but determined romance and queer experimentation at the same time "Hikaru" is being introduced to notions of attraction and desire (beyond instinctual desire to consume).

Their pairing in so many ways should not work (or rather would be usually destined for a tragic end). From the start, there have been several points where by all means it should have met such an end. But their determination and willingness to meet the other where they're at and gradually be understanding with the other is both fascinating and something I'd feel optimistic for (and interested in seeing play out further).

Anyways, I should cut myself short at this (and make sure to have something properly written beforehand for next time). But anyways, thus far it's a strong recommend (if you feel alright with the content warnings) from me.


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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.

Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

"Things went from Sinbad to Sin-worse!"freaking out because I might have to jury duty without my Adderall and/or antidepressants. it's only an issue if I actually serve on the jury I guess.

but like, texting my parents and my sibling when I'm freaking out doesn't work. I'm like shaking and typing and walking at the same time, and they just respond with "cool". Like, I need someone to acknowledge the intensity of what I'm feeling.

My brother is like "oh well I hope things get better". My bag broke and my mom is like "we can buy you another" I wanted this one, I only broke it because I was mad because nobody is taking me seriously ..

where is the understanding. where is the "I know how you feel, there there, we can get through this". Trick Question! Not in my fucking family. We watch each other walk off cliffs and then laugh because "that's just how we are".

I might call a hotline because holy hell I'm worse than I thought. Trying really hard to keep it together. It's so hard when I'm telling someone how upset I am and they're reacting like I'm talking about an episode of Frasier I saw.

like how can this matter to only me. how can my life not resonate with others even on the level of "wow, I know how that feels".

To me there is such an obvious thing of like, I'm telling you this and I look upset and am acting upset, and for you to react in such a casual way is to deny me the space of my emotions and to be unwilling to engage with what I'm dealing with.

I'm reaching a fever pitch where I really may need someone to tell me to fuck off. If I'm truly not supposed to expect anyone to care whatsoever, I need that told to me explicitly. If I am truly on my own, I need someone to tell me to my fucking face . I need someone to explain to me what I'm doing wrong because I don't fucking know anyone and I'm gonna go nuts.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (4 children)

At this point I genuinely wish someone would tell me to get therapy/get help/fuck off because I don't know what to do. I will only ever self isolate and I don't know how to stop.

I am not sure what to do anymore. I am not sure what to do anymore. I am not sure what to do anymore.

I'm fucked in the head for wanting someone to talk to. I can't start a fucking conversation to save my life. No wonder nobody talks to me. Good night, hexbear

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 days ago (4 children)

Trans guy who changes his name to Jeff Gordon

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago

trans guy who changes his name to jeff dunham

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Hello my lovelies! It's been a MINUTE since my last post, and I have been SO DAMN BUSY. All good things, though. So I guess it's STORY TIME, short story long;

I got sober in September. For real this time. I used to smoke crack and shoot dope. I haven't done that in over two years but I just COULD NOT SHAKE alcohol. I'm a genetic alcoholic, big time. What that means is my brain makes its own opiates when I drink. So when I drink, I don't want to get fucked up. I just want a sip. It took me a long time to figure that out. 10 years actually, it's been 10 years since my first interaction with addiction treatment and I finally got it. Feels pretty good.

Anyhow, since my judgement wasn't clouded for the first time in my life, I was able to honestly evaluate my relationship with my family and HOLY SHIT ARE THEY SICK. Both parents and two sisters check ALL THE BOXES for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They're FUCKED UP PIECES OF SHIT. Thats what us in AA like to call a miracle. I was able to see something that I was blind to my entire life. No one could have showed it to me but God. Anyhow, I called the pigs on them and reported them as domestic abusers and got my skinny bitch ass outta there so eat shit fuckers.

I'm back in the city, the most radical neighborhood in Amerikkka (if you know you know) amongst my people! THE QUEERS AND COMMIES sicko-fem

I took a Shahada so I'm officially a Muslim now. It's so cool. The dudes who run the smoke shops in my neighborhood are Houthi, so I've been hanging with them and they're COOL AS FUCK. Real recognizes real.

Oh yeah, last thing; I found out my Grandfather was involved in Real IRA activities during the troubles. I don't know EXACTLY what he did, but I'm pretty sure he was INSTRUMENTAL in getting arms back to the old country during the Troubles. He got out of the life around the time I was born, and my name was changed after the Good Friday agreement to keep the feds off my back. My birth name is as Irish Republican as it gets- I cant tell you what it is for opsec reasons but I can tell you what it means, and if you want to do the research to figure it out that's on you;

I AM THE FIRST MARTYR FROM THE BOG.

How about that? I'm REAL IRA. Nothing provisional about me, boyo. I'm the real thing. The realist. They know my name in Dublin and Belfast, all along the falls road and on the road to Al Quds. I'm a Martyr just like my ancestors. I was BORN to bring death to Amerikkka, MASHALLAH.

I love every single one of you SO FUCKIN MUCH!!! This is a really special place, and I'm so glad y'all were here when I needed you.

Love and Solidarity,

Alice D. heart-sickle

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[–] [email protected] 22 points 6 days ago

i think that if ur trans and someone misgenders u u should be able 2 fucking kazuma kiryu heat action them

[–] [email protected] 13 points 5 days ago (11 children)

There was a guy on TikTok who posted that he was cishet but had β€œthe soul of a lesbian”. A lot of lesbians on TikTok were pissed about it but I kind of understand. I’m not cis, but I’m AMAB and more masculine and yet my attraction to feminine people feels kind of gay? I would never claim the label of lesbian because that feels intrusive on my part but I really seem to enjoy and identify with a lot of wlw media in a non-fetishistic way.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 5 days ago

i went library :)

books

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Idk how much a British stone weighs but when I imagine a stone it's not too big. 10 stone is no more than 25 pounds. If they want it to mean a lot more it should be a boulder

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 6 days ago (1 children)

finally got around to blocking c/doomer but god dammit any hope i had in me of tonight getting better is gone. everything fucking sucks again and i only feel pain. i got misgendered more times than i could count at work today after putting all this effort into my voice and now i have to desperately try not to buy another bottle of piss cheap vodka about it

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 days ago

meow-hug

I should probably do that too

meta discussion of doomer tendency, mental healthI used to be a real ascetic/zealous kinda "I gotta learn every aspect of how shit it is" about the world and be a pious little commie abyss-starer and I've gotten better about breaking away from that, but at a certain point of that, you're just hurting your own psyche to the detriment of your ability to try improving things

[–] [email protected] 15 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Gotta love being hit by my usual late night emotionalness right when I'm about to sleep so I can't sleep and then get even more emotional about not being able to sleep

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[–] [email protected] 21 points 6 days ago

i love my wife

[–] [email protected] 14 points 6 days ago

Spin class but we all bring out our beyblades kirby-spin

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 days ago

the pipes, the pipes are calling deeper-sadness

[–] [email protected] 19 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (4 children)

Hormones really have changed my cold tolerance. It’s only -20 but it feels too cold to be outside

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 6 days ago (1 children)
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[–] [email protected] 15 points 6 days ago (1 children)

my bi cycle has been so completely and utterly out of wack recently and it's been exhausting. Yesterday I was daydreaming all day about boys without a single thought about women and three days before that I was doing the exact opposite!! Every day I internally roll a d6 and that's where I am on the fucking Kinsey scale for the day and I really wish it wasn't so volatile. Let me pick a side and stay with it for at least 2 weeks or do before moving on angry-hex

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Was going to say something, but I'm doubting my own doubts in what amounts to some sort of sick paradox. I hope I'll be able to be more active again soon, on both here and tracha, but COVID has taken away any energy I would have had to speak, and I quite literally can't bring myself to do it.

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 6 days ago (2 children)
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[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 days ago (8 children)

ok just dont read this, i'm journaling basically catgirl-huh

hetero fucking in fanficsthe men fuck like lesbians, this is wild and kinda cool actually. the sex starts with her getting off atleast once before the dick is introduced, this doesnt seem very realistic. In fact I'm pretty sure eating pussy is "gay" according to real men catgirl-disgust

anyway i just want to excise this one couple from my head just....goddamnit catgirl-flop i dont wanna read about your hetero fucking please stop being this good at writing

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (14 children)

depression and dysphoria ventingstill very much facing this feeling of being behind/too late. i legit feel like i'm 12, but i'm in college for the third time. i hate that i went through college twice as a boy, and that the third time i'm still pretty much a boy. i hate that i am approaching my sexuality and gender from essentially a lack of experience despite being "grown up". how i am the age that i am with so little to show for it in my relationships and in my identity is hard to deal with.

like I'm gonna be excited the first time someone wants to hold hands. that's all it's gonna take. it's like I'm a golden retriever holy shit

it's one of these things where i have to just ask "am i stupid"? like, what am i not getting about any of this. what am i missing? fuck.

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