Instead of dreaming about hexbear the website, I now dream about specific people on bearsite. You're not allowed to know who, though.
this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2024
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hi so i forgot to message the person who was next (sorry HelltakerHomosexual) so i'm just gonna talk about a thing i like
Shadow the Hedgehog is a character that appears in the Sonic the Hedgehog series. Characterized by his sharp wit and strong sense of purpose, Shadow is a recurrent arch-rival of Sonic the Hedgehog, whom he resembles and shares many abilities. He is a major supporter of trans people, as evidenced by his catchphrase, "Trans people are cool!"
^ this is all from the wiki btw
I like Shadow a lot. His first appearance in the series is in a game where him and Sonic are both fighting the government and destroying these multi-million dollar gunships. Sonic is doing it because he loves communism but Shadow is doing it because he has a blood feud against G.U.N., who are like the global government death squads because they killed this girl, Maria, who he was best friends with.
Maria basically had an incurable illness that Eggman's grandpa was trying to cure by creating an immortal lifeform, which is actually how Shadow was born. Also, Shadow has a copy of Maria's soul I guess? Seriously, look it up. I'm reading all this shit for the first time right now and that sounds kinda trans to me.
Anyway, she gets shot by the troops and despite Maria telling Shadow to be normal and happy, Eggman's grandpa is pissed off about it so he starts psyopping Shadow into wanting to kill everyone on Earth. Eggman's grandpa successfully does the psyop and locks Shadow away until Eggman finds and releases him.
With his newfound power, Shadow starts being evil and helping Eggman find the Chaos Emeralds because he sees him piss on the moon or something. This goes on for a while until he gets back on the space station and remembers what Maria said, deciding to finally be normal and happy.
He switches up, goes Hyper Shadow and helps Sonic defeat the Biolizard which is basically what it sounds like: a giant lizard who wears the space station like a little jacket and shoots lasers from his mouth. Also, that thing was the prototype Ultimate Lifeform before they decided on the optimal form of existence: a little bipedal anthro hedgehog.
So they beat this lizard up, I guess it dies and then the space station is hurtling toward the Earth. Shadow takes a Chaos Emerald and, with the help of Sonic, does one last Chaos Control on the space station, returning it to a stable altitude. Sonic finds himself back on the space station as he flies into the atmosphere. After this, a big semi-translucent Shadow appears on top of the Earth and everyone can see it.
Why would I lie about that? Here it is.
Anyway, a bunch of shit happens after that but I don't care about it. If someone else wants to talk about Shadow the Hedgehog (2005) feel free. What I really wrote this out to justify talking about is the moon in Sonic games. Like I said before, the moon gets pissed on and destroyed with the help of Shadow,
and then in the next game it's just fine but evil now(???)
and after THAT it's not evil anymore but it's fully intact:
What the fuck? Why? How? I watched it get blown up. Who put the moon back together? Anyway, we're getting in the weeds here. Welcome to the mega.
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I've done this before as well. It's strange.
Also is it me (Luna counts too)?
Was I doing something embarrassing? ๐ฅบ
The weirdest part is my subconscious cobbling together physical appearances for people based on what few descriptors of them I've got... but no I was getting bullied lmao
no I was getting bullied lmao
Social anxiety going brrrr
I've also dreamed of a few users once. I'm sure my subconscious construction was totally accurate
Now I'm deeply curious how I'm imagined by others, I just think of people as their pfps. My dreams would look more like drawn together style mismatch
Hope you look like your pfp. It's gorgeous
Please do imagine me this way 
Nah I deserved it that time, my geographic knowledge in shambles lol. I do like the funny brain reproducing these people tbh.
but no I was getting bullied lmao
Reminds me I had a "nightmare" last night that my UwU beanis post was getting everyone mad at me and I got banned of the site
I will stand with you in the nightmare, banger post.
Do you even know what we look like...? What would the dream be, reading comments and making cool posts? I'm so curious
No like, normal dreams about stuff, not online. My brain takes guesses at what people look like based on what I remember about them describing themselves on here. Doxed by my dumb brain!
in my head, people look exactly like what they set their profile picture to. @[email protected] is a talking carton of egg nog in my head
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i hope it's me 
I know only dweebs and losers use Goodreads now, but I was bitching to my better half about how Goodreads doesn't have seperate gender and pronoun settings.
So I went and checked myself, and sure enough Goodreads now has this. Its gender settings are "male", 
"female" 
and "Custom".
I now have a custom gender 
I didn't set any cool pronouns but I did enter my gender as something rude with "dyke" in it, which rules.
cw: slurs in silly gaming moments
transphobes don't get to call me a tr*nny if they can't even clutch the game winning round 
fuck em
Hey how long did it take for you all to get used to a new name? Last time I did this was a decade ago so I forgot, and I'm starting to worry.
Practically immediately for me
I was never particularly attached to my dead name even way before I cracked my egg, like as a 5 year old I wasnt attached to it. People would mispronounce it, I'd never correct them. Other people would overhear the mispronounciation and then mispronounce the misprounounciation in some weird telephone game sequence. Never knew what someone would try to get my attention with
Anyway, it didn't take long for me to get used to my new name. It felt natural pretty quickly and euphoric the first year, it's still nice but that euphoria is dimmed (only so long you can get a kick out of your own name I guess). My ears still perk up when I hear my dead name, but they do with my actual name as well
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Any recs on where to shop for chokers? I want to get a new one for the outfit that I am wearing to a metal show. I have two that I bought from Amazon, but one of the requires an extender so I don't think it looks great, and the other has spikes which I think is kinda inappropriate because I don't want to mosh and I definitely don't want to look like a pit ninja. Looking on Amazon, everything seems to cap at a neck width of 16", while I have a neck width of 17" flat.
EDIT: Also, are pants chains in or out? I always thought they looked kinda dorky, but idk.
I think a metal show is one of the times where you can pretty honestly banish cringe or dorky and just where the things that make you happy. Pants chain make you unhappy? Don't wear em, simple as.
I've only bought chokers from Amazon too. Hot Topic I guess might have some.
You're right about the pants chain. I just feel pretty self conscious. Will be great to actually dress up instead of going as a basic white boy.
Unfortunately the closest hot topic is about an hour's drive, but it's probably worth it if I can find the time
Well, got home. For some reason, I thought that starting HRT would be a bit tougher. Like almost everyone, there's still a nugget of self doubt, that what I'm feeling isn't dysphoria but something else. Funnily enough, had a big trans-affirming moment earlier this week. Was looking for socks in the Men's section in Target, and was struck by this utter malaise and despair. Could literally be nothing other than dysphoria. I don't want to have to feel like that anymore.
Anyways, got home, opened the door, unpacked my backpack, fed the cats. Took out the prescription, took out my pills. I thought that it would be appropo to hold them for a second, to meditate on the ramifications. But then I went fuck that. I popped those suckers down in a second. The world might end tomorrow, or the next day or the next, but if I'm going to die then I am going to die as a woman. And if not, then I am going to live as one.
Talking too much about smut I only kinda liked: Human Domestication Guide
Alright, been meaning to type this for a while. Saw Ash talk about (check pronoun) readings and reminded me I read this due to (check pronouns)'s recommendation and then forgot to talk about it. Anyways
I like the idea of being taken care of the dxtremley caring plant creatures, but I just get caught up on the cultural imperialism of the forced pet dynamic. I think part of it is me being into like dog or cat girl thing more as an identity than as a kink. I dislike the cultural imperialism a lot. I get its just smut, and smut isn't necisarily realistic, but this is MY post so I get to decide what smut is good or bad enjoyment rise.
But yeah, I enjoy the vibes of being forced to be nice to myself and either being forced to take care of myself, or have a big plant lady take care of me, but the hypnosis and ownership aspects just give me bad vibes personally. Like I remember in the original glitchyrobo writing of the main character writing a document recognizing and signing a thing saying that (she?) has no rights in the Affini Compact. Like that and the ownership shit just made me stop enjoying it. Again, I get its just smut, but I am unable to just turn my brain off and ignore it.
I think I need to find smut, or really just writing in general, that has cozy vibes and maybe a Dom forcing me to take care of myself and be nice to myself. That would be cool. :flush:
That is to say.... If you have any recommendations.... I would love to hear them :flush:
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There's shittin time and then there's quittin time and right now I'm all out of shits to give 
Psycho Nymph, unrelated yapping
UGLY DEATH NO REDEMPTION ANGEL CURSE I LOVE YOU, 
Psycho Nymph Exile
Is this an aesthetic that is fair to call an aesthetic? I first noticed the TRASH GIRL thing in the bandcamp description of Shed Blood by Ada Rook, but look there it is again. A term some people use! And uh, the creative output of these people smells the same, like Shed Blood could totally soundtrack Psycho Nymph if it weren't a multimedia oddysey or smth. Where does this come from? Do you have to be a 30something trans woman with a background in IBM PC clones to have evolved this specific style of gorey, screaming gay gendery apocalyptic rage music?
But then Fallow is so downkey, like I was not expecting it to get labelled "southern gothic" and if I had found Fallow first I'd have been shocked that the Fallow lady makes weird industrial screamy music. Contains Multitudes.
Idk how I would go about studying this, scene? there's a sphere of people? who is ESPER99 I wonder? thing, but I want to know more Idk. Imogen Binnie โจ says in her new Orange Book afterword that Black Dresses is pop music and not new, and I'm like 
WHERE IS MORE OF THIS. GIVE IT TO ME, MA'AM
Wow, I had to just deal with some wildly transphobic shit at work and even worse it made me miss my public transit ride. I am so fucking done with today
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Anyone got anime reccs?
I used to watch a lot like 10+ years ago but I haven't really kept up since aside from a couple things. I'll check out anything that isn't shonen. I've watched enough of that for a lifetime
Little Witch Academia is basically what if Harry Potter didn't suck and was about cute girls being friends at magic school and having witchy adventures and is cute and fun imo
Also the MC Akko leads a labor revolt in one episode
Looking at some of my favorites:
Carole and Tuesday is a relatively comfy show about two young women becoming friends and forming a musical duo on a partially terraformed Mars.
Kayuga-sama: Love is War might technically be shonen, but it's a romantic comedy as opposed to a battle anime. It's about a pair of brilliant students who are locked in a battle of wits: to have their counterpart confess their feelings first. Hijinks ensue.
A Place Further than the Universe is a charming and wholesome story about a group of young women who find friendship in a seemingly impossible dream: to visit Antarctica. But what if happens if their dream isn't so far out of reach?
Oddtaxi is a neo-noir ensemble feature centering around the disappearance of a young pop star, and the brusque and enigmatic taxi driver who links these intertwined stories together.
Zombieland Saga is an idol comedy about a young woman who dreams of becoming a pop idol, but meets an untimely fate. However, she still might be able to fulfill her dreams... in undeath?! Also notable for having an openly trans character.
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My psychology textbook didn't CW transphobia, how do I report it to the mods?
Hey y'all what's the consensus about progesterone?
I reached out to my endo last night about starting prog and he got back to me today with a link to the 2022 wpath guideline update regarding progesterone where they state that the benefits are negligible and also introduces an increased thromboembolism risk.
He also said that it's "closer to testosterone than estrogen" which I think is oversimplifying things from what I've come across on my own but w/e he's the doctor ig.
I told him that, regardless, I do wanna move forward with trialing micronized progesterone. What do y'all think?
It's made my boobs bigger, helped my sleep vs without taking it, also made me horny as hell. And over the year or so I've been on it, I've definitely got curvier - but I was doing the same with E and an antiandrogen.
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i have heard vaguely that scientific consensus on the benefits has become more concrete in like, the last 5 years or so. haven't actually done the reading just heard people say this. it does seem to have varying effects for different people, but I'd say give it a go and see how you feel. for sure it helps with mood and overall well-being for a lot of folks. the first time i got on it i had to stop for a bit because it made my mood swings really intense. but ultimately i decided i prefer being on it and dealing with intense emotions because it's preferable to feeling like a zombie off of it (I have chronic depression so not universal just my experience)
idk how much it's done for me so far but it's been less than a month. my tiddies have been hurting and they do look like they've grown just a bit though
idk about libido though, it might have gotten a bit higher maybe idk
What I noticed when taking it is increased libido, healthier skin and hair, and more energy. As far as breast development, it's kinda hard to gauge for myself since I don't have any data from a parallel universe where I didn't take prog to compare to. Also, weirdly, prog gives me the ability to dream. Without it, I rarely have dreams, but when I take one, it's a guaranteed dream that night. I assume that's because I'm in a deeper sleep.
Others have said they had negative reactions or none at all, and I've read that it's bad for people with a HSD (e.g. EDS, fibro, etc.) so it's very YMMV
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Well guess I'll find out tonight, he approved the prescription and the pharmacy nearby actually had it already. LETS GO
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the one voice therapist in my area that takes my insurance got back to me
they can get me in for a first appointment tomorrow
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Psycho Nymph Exile
Click below to be Normal! 
spoiler cw discussions of trauma, incest mentions maybe in a kink context?, idek just look out Writing out that CW was a brain-bender.
So I finally got back to reading and thinking about gay trans shit, which is rad I really missed it. Talked to someone who has Psycho Nymph Exile by Porpentine Charity Heartscape in her top 10, fucking sick. I figured I'd get back into the swing with that because, Ada Rook, Fallow, I know who Porpentine is. That'll probably be brain-stimulating while not exploding my brain.
I got my brain exploded 
just a lil...
I was following along acceptably until the plot actually kicks into gear, is it "some kind of weird lesbian incest", Vellus???
They tell people they're sisters, and Vellus is especially pleased when people mistake them for sisters without prompting. If blood relations are seen as superior because they precede intent, creating that bond deliberately feels powerful, like the creation of a shadow lineage.
Ohhhhh... 
so this is where all of those really intense presumably-kink-but-maybe-not horny posts on tumblr come from? Okay, yes. I believe so.
I dunno if I would say I'm enjoying Psycho Nymph, but it's a good exercise, I think I'm having fun. I could quote it forever, I like bending my head around the stuff; I'm getting my understanding expanded. But even if I will probably need to reread this immediately, it's also not 100% new and strange to me. I mean, who can't get down w/a footnote that reads 3. Girl smells trapped under hems and seams and elastic bands. right? (No clue why there are so many footnotes) There is T4T in Psycho Nymph which ABSOLUTELY fucking rules. My head is golden and warm and empty.
I'm so fucking jazzed, this is the kind of neural input I need. "Wanna just watch catgirl hypnosis vids and get high?" 
Good vibe!!!
Personal yapping
I stopped taking tramadol (37.5mg) because I figure I need at least one month's detox because when I stopped I could feel a fog lifting. The real change came when I started reading Psycho Nymph though, I could feel my grey matter reactivating and like, serotonin goo all over me. It was rad, I felt compelled to yap instantly, but Magi understandably isn't super interested in what's going on in Psycho Nymph, plus I wanna knock heads with people who know about it, y'know. If you know, you should inform me. 
I love talking to people about stuff even if it's a strain. I guess one of the reasons I fell into an (at first deliberate) isolation is because, bereft of gay shit and dopey brained, I didn't have the right balance of like, queer humours to keep my brain in check. Usually, I think, the special interest brainrot way outweighs the difficulties and stressors and I fucking Post, I yap to people. Bereft of that I will become sad and listless.
Where did I get this life-altering dependancy on queer things that I have? Either I gave myself this depedence by reading Nevada too much, or else my brain was just inactive all those years until I read Orange Book and my brain activated.
Also I have no idea if or when I'm gonna read more Whipping Girl; I'm compelled to continue analysing it but hate reading it, and have no spoons 
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I intentionally skipped out so Iโm only finding out now but they had a Harry Potter themed event at work yesterday 
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