getting disqualified from no nut november after i was caught using performance enhancing drugs (estrogen)
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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I don't know why I hate that the dates in the title are written as fractions. It's fine, it's very clear that they're dates but I saw them and was instantly like
I don't understand why I have such strong feelings about such an extremely unimportant stylistic choice, but here we are!
kinda sadposting
Really fighting the i am fundamentally unwantable thoughts today . Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses (i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore...).
spoiler entertaining my ruminations
I have a really deep seated belief that i am unwantable . That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress . And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic . And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.
People ask me about it sometimes, but i just and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave " (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.
Fuck my brain
Here is a portrait I drew of me and my brain:
facial hair of days past
Oddly gender affirming teaching my transmasculine comrade how to do a wet shave for his face. Glad someone gets to use that knowledge know that I no longer need it. Wet shaving was one of the few rituals that I enjoyed when I had the facial hair, always felt so nice to whip up the warm foam and earn the smooth face.
Does anyone else find life kind of bittersweet?
story
Idk if it makes sense, but like I went clubbing with a friend of mine and we met up with some of his friends. I vibed really well with his one friend 'James' (not his real name) and my friend, James and I wound up going to get something to eat before heading to James' place where we watched some anime. My friend fell asleep and one thing lead to another and me and James did a lot of kissing, cuddling and heavy petting. The next day we met up too and the same thing happened, but before that we also went to get something to eat and then we cuddled while watching some anime. And he isn't pushy and doesn't seem to only want sex. Idk it felt like he was interested in something more.
And like it sounds great, but also so incredibly bittersweet as I knew this would never lead to more as he didn't know I was trans. It was a reminder of something I feel like I'll never have, and now I have to kill off whatever spark was there. Honestly I just bawled my eyes out because of this realization that any relationship developing organically seems basically impossible while trans. At best I'll get to wade through awful dating apps and in the end any partner I might find will have to know I'm trans which makes me sick. Idk it feels like cruel joke to have something great within reach, but then realizing it will never ever work out.
Being told saying that saying holding hands is is a played out joke is disheartening. Who said I was joking those are some of the best dreams I've had
dysphoria
I have come to realize that I am significantly more affected by dysphoria than I thought. I realized how much of a prison guyness feels like and how much I hate feeling like one. I feel like I'm always a little bit aware of what I look like and what I sound like and it makes human interaction feel so much harder.
gendered language musing? Idk workshopping, indirectly flirty
"Good girl"
"Good boy"
"Good... bee?" π
(idk I kinda think "bee" as short for enby sounds cute)
So got these sour noodles at the dollar store, vegan as far as I can tell and they taste pretty great.
I'm scared that I might not be cis and in denial. I tell myself it's just me feeling like I don't want to / can't live up to the standards of masculinity, that my genitals specifically don't give me dysphoria so I cant be trans , but maybe I'm just scared of adding more complications to my life of adding another form of discrimination I'll get to have , that I feel like I'll never find anyone and presenting myself another way will make it 100x harder . Why do I cry if I even begin to imagine myself looking feminine , I just want to close my eyes and have them not open.
Just got back from a show, it was the first show ive been to in years. It was so fun!!! Like 90% trans people, it was perfect ^^ felt actually comfy there, surrounded by beautiful trans people and listening to power violence ^^
Are all of the transes depressed in autumn or something?
We've been getting btfo by the news mega.
Unacceptable.
Someone start posting controversial takes to drive engagement.
Who wants to go Halloween costume shopping with me and by Halloween costume shopping I mean finding a single fucking good woman's outfit for regular wear
First thing in the morning, show some trans comrade love.
I think I'm developing feelings for a man who's already in a relationship. Fuck
Iβm definitely part of skirt gang now, yaβll. Got so many compliments and some creepy old men staring at me, which iβll still take as a win.
Got some dark purple nail polish today, really looking forward to it. I've been wanting purple for a while now
Will be seeing a cute guy I met recently again today, but I don't think he knows I'm trans, so it'll be the last time I see him. So yaa, quite sad about thatπ₯²
Somewhat positively though, I think I've narrowed down my future career goals, and my HRT dose was increased.
I'm at that point 2 weeks out from a laser session where the hair is falling out again
whining, dysphoria
Showering is awful, I hate being alone with my thoughts and horrible body. Being reminded of all the things I hate about it. The dysphoria, the scars, everything.
Also can't shave for shit. Not sure how I'm supposed to when I can't even see what I'm doing. The perfect way to ruin a good mood.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! People keep changing plans and its super overwhelming!!!!!!!! My fun family time has turned into me curling up and crying far away from everyone because the plans kept changing rapidly and everything was so confusing
Well, we voted to reject the proposal. So, unless the government changes very rapidly... we voted to strike.
Hoping comrades @[email protected] and @[email protected] are doing okay.
The purple is just as pretty as I hoped Its a little glittery too, feels amazing.
When I look at old pictures of myself I see a guy now, pretty cool stuff.
Damn I should've started injections nine years ago lmfao (along with progesterone I'm seeing some decent breast growth)
no clue what we're going to do with our hair still >~< so complicated
thinking about that home made pesto pasta I had the otther day again. damn that shit was so good. fresh basil just has such a smell and absolute powerful verdant look to it in pesto