Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.
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her,,, expolde
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made a minecraft modpack that doesn't include create for once. this is difficult for me, but when I include it everything just becomes about the factory and nothing else
spoiler suicidal ideation, general hopelessness
I am tired of going to bed "crying" and dysphoric. I am tired of waking up "crying" and dysphoric. I am tired of feeling lonely, dysphoric, and depressed all day. I am tired of worrying. Worrying about transition, worried about social issues, worried about the fucking planet being on fire. Why do I even want to live in hellbody, in hellworld? I don't. I want all this to stop.sad
Why is it damn hard to actually do it. Like actually couldn't if I wanted to. For how hard maintaining life is ending it isn't fucking easy either.
Why can't I just die good lord, I don't want to suffer like this. My brain and hellworld are both broken. I have no faith either can be fixed, so why continue?
I've hated living in hellworld for a while. Navigating it like this is obviously not any better. I desperately, desperately just want it to be better. But it won't. Society is clearly coming apart at the seams, and this dysphoria stuff isn't fun either. :::
sadposting
Hurt my back
Perpetually exhausted
Think I'm getting sick again and my chest feels kind of tight
Annoyed by pretty much everything except my cats
Feel grotesque and just want to hibernate for like a week but can never sleep well
abuse mention
coming to terms with having been financially and emotionally abused in a leftist space is... an interesting time. honestly i still deny it all the time, it's only when I talk about it out loud that I realize just how messed-up of a situation it really was.
::: spoiler sex, discussion of brainworms Reading the same romance novels that cishet women read has completely eliminated any lingering concerns I had about autogynephilia. I don’t even mean cis lesbians, I’m talking about books written by and for cishet women.
Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve seen. Keep in mind that this isn’t some niche thing, this all from mainstream, lowest common denominator trash ~~(because I’m a basic bitch with no taste)~~
As it turns out, wanting to feel sexy and desirable and having that as a turn-on is incredibly normal and common among cis women. Finding yourself attractive is seen as a sign of confidence and self-love, as it should be. “Autogynephilia” is really just another attempt by patriarchal society to pathologize and stigmatize female sexuality. It’s the same phenomenon of men objectifying women, and then, fearing the power their desire gives women over them and seeking to maintain their dominance over women in a kind of Hegelian master-slave dialect, respond by demonizing women who take agency in their sexuality: women are to be pure and passive recipients of the sexual desires of men, and women who don’t play along, and especially wlw who find sexual fulfillment without men, are demonized as unnatural, “crazy”, predatory, and fallen. Blanchard basically just projected his madonna-whore complex onto a group of women marginalized enough for him to get away with it despite his pathetic transparency.
family drama
My sister was caught on the phone with her abusive ex by my aunt but she claimed it was just for a second because she didn’t know it was her calling and they aren’t talking again.
I don’t feel like I can trust her to be honest about this and idk what to do.
My parents could kick her out if they know she is back in her life, but I’m thinking about telling my mom and convincing her to make my sister get a restraining order again.
love love
Halimede-type shitpost
This had me cackling at “enbies get the trans flag and their own uglier one”
No funny business, ya’ll.
neurodiversity talk
does anyone else struggle with... being able to perceive things about other people? I'm thinking about this because I was talking with my best friend (who is also autistic) about COVID on campus, and he was mentioning that they would notice that people would sniffle and be congested in class. and I was like... I haven't noticed any of that in my classes. but then I realized that it was very possible that there were people who were audibly sick in my classes and I just never noticed, because this is the kind of thing that I never notice. I remember a time in 2022 when I was taking a train trip with a different friend, and they later talked about how anxious they were with how many people were sick on the train. and I thought about it and was like "wait, you're right... how did I not notice that myself?"
my mom tells me too, that I don't "perceive" other people. usually she tells me this when she's angry at me and yelling, but I feel like there is a truth to it (as much as I hate to admit.) It's not that I'm intentionally an asshole to people or that I have "main character syndrome", I do not think that I am the main character of life or anything like that. I think I am a normal person who lives a normal life, one human among 8 billion, and I try my best to be polite and considerate and kind to people I encounter.
but I cannot pick up on things the way other people can. I've gotten better at reading my best friend, but that took months of them being the person I had the person I had by far the most contact with; and I'm still not great at it. I know it's a fairly common autistic experience to not be able to tell when people are making fun of you; I definitely have that. I also do struggle with being able to read people's emotions, which is par for the course for a lot of autistic people.
But here's another thing I don't notice — I never perceive it if/when people stare at me. I dress in a way that would invite stares (very loud and alternative), and yet I cannot remember a single person ever staring at me. I think it's kind of statistically impossible that nobody has ever stared at me, ever. this is literally the reason why I have never struggled with self-confidence when it comes to fashion. I don't perceive stares. And if people are giving me angry or judgemental looks or whatever, I extra can't perceive that.
I'm also incredibly gullible. I've fallen for a lot of scams in the past, especially when I was doing a lot of mutual aid stuff on social media back in the day. and looking back at it, there were a ton of signs that they were scams; and I would fall for them over and over. I just don't notice stuff.
And... body odor? Is that a thing people notice about other people? Because it's not something that has ever crossed my mind? Someone could smell atrocious and I simply would not pick up on it?
Maybe this is a reason why I don't get sensory overload from being in loud or crowded places. In fact, I find them exciting (yes, taking COVID precautions in 2024 does make it impossible to enjoy things that I want to enjoy, like live music.) Wait. Is this hyposensitivity?
I very much... live in my own world? Idk how to describe just the way that my brain works exactly here. It's not that I don't care about other people, I care about other people a lot. But I feel like my brain is wholly oriented inwards and not outwards... I simply don't perceive things. I don't know what this is, if anyone has any relevant resources I'd appreciate it. This is incredibly long and rambly. I guess I'll end it here.
Just got my third laser session
Holy. Fuck.
That hurt. It still hurts.
They were just playing around the first two times. They harnessed the sun for this one.
family worries
... so that now I'm really getting started on the process of getting HRT, it's setting in that I'm going to have to tell my parents about it. And I'm nervous. My mom "accepts" my transness in the sense that we just never talk about it, but to get to that point meant several agonizing conversations. And I do not know if her acceptance extends to accepting the fact that I want to change my body about it. I feel like that's a part of transition that cis people often stumble on.
I know I can hide it from them for a while, but I can't hide it forever. And I honestly don't know if it would be better or not to hide it, because I know that would be seen as a breach of their trust. Even me making this decision alone would probably be viewed by them as a sign of my "apartness" from the family — the fact that I didn't consult them first will probably sting. My mom definitely has some helicopter tendencies in that sense; even though I'm an adult she still makes me turn on location tracking when I go out. I feel like existing in my family situation is a game of delicately balancing everyone's emotions, and doing something like starting HRT is something that will upset that balance. And I know it's not fair to place that burden on me, but I don't know what to do to escape it.
I can't help imagining the worst case scenario in which they kick me out over this. My parents have in the past yelled at me to get out of the house. They've always regretted it after, but... idk. I don't know what to do and how to tell them. Even though I've lived pretty openly as trans for almost four years and am pretty far in terms of social transition, I still feel so lost.
CW: Dysphoria/shame complex about IRL shopping
Tried to fulfill some items on my gender checklist to see how they made me feel. Tried to go to two different stores (well, two different Wal-Marts) to pick up nail polish and facial cleanser, but dissociated and couldn't do it. It's frustrating, because I have bought nail polish multiple times from Wal-Mart!
Not for myself, but we used it as an easy sealant for slide covers at work, and it's quicker just to pay for it out of pocket then to order it through the system. The other times I've bought it from there, I've thought about buying a second for myself, or pocketing one from the lab, but I didn't have the self-awareness about my gender.
Also tried to shop for clothes. I thought that JcPenny might have some cute enby-ish "men's" shirts in my size, but there was hardly anything that looked anything other than a generic "men's" shirt. Again, dissociated and had to leave the store.
So, having failed to shop in person, I am just ordering stuff off Amazon, even though I really wanted to try painting my nails tonight. Although, I will note that after adding nail polish and nail polish remover to my cart (and also some Kawaii catgirl face masks), Amazon is now recommending me a collar and thigh-highs. So, that's kinda gender affirming I guess.
Is my transness coming for my asexuality as well??? Wadda hell? I've considered that part of me to be an immutable fact since high school
I am gonna try shaving my body once a week and not being so neurotic about having little hairs. 
I was biking this morning and some old white dude came up to me and said “you seem like the kind of person who would do the right thing for god or people.” I affirmatively grunted. “I hope you’re a woman…” after some mumbling I couldn’t make out he said “if a man ever… a tall man…” Then my light was green and I couldn’t hear him anyway so I left.
I was wearing my keffiyeh and cargo pants. Literally showing no skin, as androgynous as possible. I have no idea why he thinks or cares I’m a woman, but I’ll take it. Does he think I’m Muslim?
One of the first times I went out en femme, a guy at a gas station that was singing to himself and dancing told me the full moon was good energy for me (?)
He seemed like he was probably zooted out of his mind but was very nice
People are strange sometimes
clothesposting
My very first actual blouse arrived today and I'm in love. Wearing it makes me feel like a ✨lady✨. The closest thing I had before was a couple of women's shirts, and while they're definitely a good vibe, this feels a lot more obviously feminine. I have an ankle length skirt I thrifted way back I thought I didn't like much because I hadn't found a use for it yet, but it actually looked great with this.
The neckline is really long and deep, so I'm thinking a big, eye-catching necklace or choker would be a great fit, but for now I only have a small, more subtle necklace. 
I'm gonna have such a cute outfit once my new jeans arrive, if they're also as cool as I hope they're going to be it might be my new favourite. 
trump's "execute the baby" comment will have me laughing for the next month
edit - meant to post this in the general mega ._.
holy shit they weren't kidding. gaining weight does make the tiddies grow real big real fast
does anyone want to synchronize peeing on the floor with me... just kidding, i guess...
more like non-binary domain
hell yeah, my book on palestinian food has just shipped
looking forward to it
@[email protected] your sword thing earlier has led me down a path of looking at nerdy shit on Etsy and omg should I buy these earrings or is this corny? lmao
stress/unsanitary
I have been awake for two hours this morning and I had to clean an assorted variety of substances that come out of different ends of cats half a dozen times already, twice in places they're not supposed to go
I am going to become the jonkler
Kittenposting
more neurodiversity talk
so building off of what I was talking about earlier, another thing I really struggle with is mediating volume. I talk way too loud, all the time. Even when I really need to lower my volume (e.g. when I'm talking about my parents within their house) I often find my voice growing in volume without my control. There have been many times where people would tell me to shush because I said something way too loud at an inappropriate time. I find it almost impossible to intentionally talk quietly, especially when I'm excited. I think that my volume of speech literally approaches shouting, especially when I'm passionate about something. I know that it is a known thing that some autistic people talk very loud, and I am now wondering if that is me.
I also blurt things out at inappropriate times, and it has caused me a lot of grief in the past because I often know that what I just said was rude and unkind, even if I didn't mean it that way and I was just vocalizing a random thought in my brain. I have a hard time stemming the thoughts from escaping my mouth once they're there. Weirdly enough, I don't talk to myself much these days (I used to talk to myself a lot as a kid, I do wonder if voice dysphoria has something to do with it.) But when I'm with friends — oh god. I cannot control my volume at all and I marvel at people who can.
Might need to stop doing my injections in my butt, I've been having a hard time doing it there lately for whatever reason.
Anybody else remember when the mega would sometimes get taken down before the end of the week. Look at where we are now, look at our power.
our power
It's over 9000
"only" £6k a year for a train season ticket into london. what a bargain 
WOAH SHIT, NEW TRANS MEGA!
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!
in other news, I'm teaching myself HTML and making a Neocities website! So that's fun! Stepping away from corporate socia media, and into these federated and 'Indie web' spaces has been super cool!
alarm clocks are reactionary and transphobic 
