traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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edit: I still feel some of these ways kinda but over all I'm feeling much better right now. A little depression nap goes a long way sometimes.
I feel like such a fake
uhh feeling fake, negative self talk, light ableist language. I think that's everything covered.
I just am. I don't use the right language, I don't feel the right ways, I don't understand things, I didn't figure it out early enough. I'm just so stupid. Why do I think things wrong. It's driving me crazy. I was thinking of changing my pronouns but right now I almost feel like I should change them to he/him instead. I'm just a stupid guy who got an idea in his stupid mind. I'll never be a woman. I'm an attention seeking guy. I don't deserve good things.My brain is full of FUCKING BRAIN WORMS FROM THIS SOCIETY. THIS FUCKING SHIT ASS SOCIETY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A GOD DAMN PERVERT AND I HATE IT AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
Oh, and now I'm going to make people worried again. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Only kinda a sharp turn but my questioning if I'm autistic has gotten much more serious the past weeks and months. But if I do have it, why wouldn't my therapist have brought it up? I'm probably a fake there too
sh
No point in going into detail, but the urges are back and really hurt. I don't understand. I'm not depressed like I was, but I'm still feeling like sh.ed (eating)
Feeling this coming on too. Had to force myself to eat last night and hated it. It's so fucking complicated.All medical professionals are clowns when it comes to autism. My gp practically fell off his chair when I brought it up. The diagnosis lady said I was "a very well adjusted individual" which is absolutely laughable. The opinion of these people almost doesn't matter honestly. The diagnostic criteria only applies to ten year old whiteboys, and even then only barely. It's such a joke.
Also let's not understand things and realise too late together!! I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you aren't a pervert or "attention seeking stupid guy", but it's not just a bit or a platitude when people say it takes everyone different amounts of time. It'll have been ten years next year for me, and I only just figured out literally last week that "woman" does not exactly fit me. Of course that has absolutely nothin' to do with autism ^/s^
I don't know, a lot of the symptoms are pretty dead on for me. What do you think is a good example where the diagnostic criteria are wrong/incomplete?
Thanks comrade Its just very weird, I feel like I should have had a stronger reaction to like puberty, ya know?
If you don't mind, why does woman not fit you?
If the symptoms fit you that's fine too, doin' their job for once. It's just that a lot of physicians and such tend to apply them as "subject must be young male with zero emotions, no social capability and an absurd interest in model train sets" type of thing, y'know? Women are hugely under-diagnosed because the criteria doesn't really see "female-typical" styles of masking.
I mean I thought puberty was gross but not everybody trans even has dysphoria, y'know? You're definitely not required to have been revolted by puberty or anything.
Uh it's like, since no human trait, physical or otherwise, is inherently gendered, then what even are "man" or "woman"? Could they even be defined, are they just a collection of vague traits that anybody could have? This combined with the Gender Accelerationist Manifesto really put the socially-constructed nature of binary gender into sharp focus for me, and I didn't really like the way western society weaponises the genders it colonialism'd everyone else with as a system of strict social and worker control. Doesn't feel that right to me.
I still call myself a lesbian and I can mostly fit in the "woman" box if someone puts me there, I am transfemme, but I'm also such a weird goblin with specific hobbies and intense autism that I only have the most vague relation to gender, beyond the whole estrogen thing, I guess
There's the whole issue of girls being underdiagnosed because they don't neatly fit the stereotype of autistic boys. There's also the tendency to underdiagnose NTs in general who have found coping mechanisms to mask the symptoms. People who put in twice as much effort as other students just to get by may not get accommodations because their grades are too good for box-tickers.
Also, if they're not qualified to give a diagnosis, they might be hesitant to say anything (similar to how x-ray techs won't tell you anything about how the x-rays look). Or they might just assume you already know. Or worried you might think they're insulting you if they suggest you're autistic.
I don't think I really had any sort of reaction. But I wonder if I might have already been dealing with chronic dissociation even back then. So it wasn't something I really considered my body anyways and even if I did, I didn't think there was anything that could be done about it. But there's no requirement to have any sort of reaction like that.
on feeling fake
i had very similar thoughts when i was first questioning both my gender and autism. i also didn’t feel like puberty was awful for me. I also wondered if I was doing this for attention. idk if I have any advice, for me these thoughts just faded after a while of being out to myself and gaining confidence that living as a trans person was right for me. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone in these feelings.also I showed basically all the textbook traits of autism as a kid and nobody suspected a thing. autism is underdiagnosed.