Cut people off and die a little inside each time it happens.
this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2023
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it me
Sometimes cutting people off is honestly the best for your mental wellbeing
Who put this mirror here?
I’ve done this a few times, only go realize that they seemed to have rejected me because I was ignoring them and they assumed I had rejected them
Yes, I do, so badly in fact that I was nearly mute as a child out of fear of offending someone or being judged negatively. Ironically, my quietness serves me well so that I don't blurt things out, and the less I say and do, the less enemies I have, which means I am generally liked by people. As an adult it's better than it was but my body compulsively reacts if I get any negative response to anything and I can't help it. Like my stomach just drops if I get like, a negative comment or if someone seems annoyed. I just have to remember that my body does these things, and it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. If I acknowledge it and move on instead of ruminating, it usually fades away quick enough.
Yeah this has to be rooted in my childhood as well
I have distinct memories of begging my dad not to ask the wal mart associate where something was because there was a chance they could say “No”
It has also destroyed some of my relationships because I get pretty defensive in response to some pretty innocuous questions
It gets easier to manage, but the RSD makes rejection feel like a knife through the heart every time for me. Failing makes me feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. This shit is incredibly nasty and it's prevented me from forming relationships to the point that I don't think I really know how to anymore.
I've been working on myself for years now, learning to manage my feelings and my expectations of other people. For a long time my way of "managing" it was just expecting rejection to happen eventually. That could also be my fear of abandonment, though (which I got from being abandoned so often). I still expect punishment and cruelty every time I'm addressed and I don't expect to be. I don't really try to talk to people very much. I'm still struggling and recently the loneliness has become more powerful than the fear of rejection, and pushed me to get out there and try to meet people despite the crippling emotional pain it causes me. I'm getting better at dealing with it, moving on, and allowing myself to try again.
Just wish I know how to discern whether or not I could trust people. It feels like rolling dice every time.
It’s such a catch 22. I feel so stuck and feel like I know exactly why this is, but I am still having so much trouble “breaking out”
I also feel like things became demonstrably worse when my apartment lease ended and I moved in with my parents. I am now living in the suburbs (albeit rent free) but it’s really making me rethink whether I’m in the position to the best human I can be
I simply choose to be perfect so I never get rejected
Seriously though, I consider being told “no” rejection too. So only way to avoid that is to not interact with anyone (irl or online)
Fun stuff!
Medication, DBT therapy, and being exposed to rejection over and over again. Sucks but true. Rejection gets easier to manage the more you are exposed to it.
begging for anyone to come up with treatment modalities that don't seem worse than dying ffs
If you get someone who knows what they’re doing, they’ll help you identity and face small rejections that are already happening to you first. For me, I couldn’t tell the difference between small and large rejections because they all felt similarly devastating. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is good for that. It’s all small steps.
someone who knows what they’re doing,
i've either never had that or whatever is wrong with ~~me~~ society is too much for medical science to handle. plus intake retraumatizes me every time so 
I had a DBT group therapist who was not very experienced, so I ended up just buying the "DBT Training Manual" and associated workbook and teaching myself. I read that manual front to back like a Tom Clancy novel and it way less stress than having to rely on the pace and interpretations of someone else. Also very philosophically interesting book, I recommend it to anyone.
is "DBT Training Manual" the name of the book? I want to look for it on libgen
"DBT Skills Training Manual" by Marsha Linehan. Looks like it's on there!
Thanks! I downloaded it
my brain: "Dick and Ball Torture"
Being aware of it means you get to recognize your triggers and learn to separate yourself from them. It’s gonna hurt every time. That’s a sign that you’re not numbing yourself, which is good. But processing the feeling gets easier and therefore quicker over time. You’ll find little mantras that will help. Mine currently is, “I cannot control how people react to me” because my people pleasing got really toxic for a while. It lets me be my authentic self without filtering it through other people so much. I’m sure you’ll find similar things that will help.
I still have issues with people-pleasing. The upside is I think it made me more empathetic, constantly worrying about what other people were thinking and feeling, and trying to figure it out. The downside is I have some traits of codependency I think.
I treat being rejected like a physical illness (because that's what it feels like) and I can usually predict how long it will last. When my best friend dumped me, I was like "Ok. We're going to be experiencing flu-like symptoms for the next month, and then it will be ok." Knowing that the feeling will end helps me a lot.
Interestingly, it's only people close to me and career-related stuff that does this. Romantic rejection doesn't do it.
(Or if not"be ok," at least not be physically painful.)
I also have the constant urge to edit my comments, although I’ve gotten better about it.
I sometimes think about this as well too. Also, I’ve occupied this space for three fucking years and don’t really “know” anyone in an online sense and feel like it’s correlated with a fear of rejection and whether you said the right thing. Might sound silly to say, but we’re all humans with like minded values for the most part, back when i was on the discord I saw people who were clearly friends
Hell, one of my co-workers met his fiance in an among us discord server. Wizardry
Autsitic. It manifests as physical pain and nausea. It's overwhelming, so I just end up coping by trying to disassociate. Fear of it just happening out of nowhere, unexpectedly, because of some norm I violated makes it a lot worse. Wasn't aware medication could manage it.
AuDHD, always took the hard road on life and ended up tangential to sales. A lot to learn from sales people, every day all day is rejection and their #1 talent is being upbeat and optimistic in the face of rejection. Knowing, really internalizing, that it doesn't actually matter because there are a million other opportunities.
Personally I find the best mitigation is having multiple attempts at whatever I'm highly likely to get rejected by in parallel. Multiple dates, multiple job interviews, multiple work projects, multiple sales pitches, etc. When there's hope it feels different.
Over a hundred job interviews made for good exposure therapy, if I'm rejected at something important that I'm emotionally bought into I'll still be devastated, but the key is to have something to hope for that's independent of the rejection.
At least that's what helps me. YMMV.
I have untreated adhd, but just started treating my anxiety/depression a few months ago. The rejection anxiety is slowly but surely getting better. Just got rejected after going on two dates with someone, the first two dates I've been on in years, and I feel fine! Yay rejection!
I’m still hung up on two rejections from 6 months ago 💀 it’s wild though because I just suddenly started caring about it again randomly? I hate it
I personally freak out when my supervisor changes his tone to somewhat negative because I think it means I’m about to get fired, I take it personal when someone says “no” to me in any context, etc
Hell, even I have a hard time rejecting people
I am unwell
Yeah, I was like that all my life. I'm very lucky the medication I was put on worked for me like a miracle first try. I mean, rejection still sucks, but that's normal. I don't avoid it all costs anymore. I wish medications worked the same for everyone.
Yeah most people I know can acknowledge it sucks and just move on. Wish I had that power
The medication I take has greatly improved my life in other areas but not this one for some reason
Yes; getting numb
Yeah rejection sensitivity gets me and it fucking sucks. I never consciously came up with a strategy against it, but I think I kinda developed one organically: 1) know it for what it is and give it space, like /u/odmroz said, 2) think about the rejection logically to see how real it even is, and how bad, and if I deserved it, and 3) remind myself that people’s perception of you changes over time to match how you currently come across, so it’s not the end of the world if you come across poorly on some occasion.
At least to me, it seems like the logical parts of me are clashing with the emotional parts of me, causing some sort of dissonance
I was doing a lil research and found that there’s still no scientific consensus on “rejection sensitivity” but the fact that it’s at least familiar to suspected ADHDers (and those officially diagnosed) tells me that there’s something there
I do. Adderall helps me become not pessimistic and doomer for 8 hours. But after that I’m under my covers in darkness wishing I was a normal person.
I usually cope through one or the other, or both:
- I just keep working while on meds. Keep completing tasks. And I mean paid work with a direct deposit, not just any task on my schedule that needs to be done. I’m decent at and enjoy what I do, so I try to keep it up.
- Look at my past self as a separate entity and try to comfort him. He’s been through enough and needs a friend or guardian to help him through it and advise him on better approaches for the future. I can either be that friend, or I can be one of the many assholes in his life who’s berated and abused him.
Bromantane. The best medication, an anxiolytic stimulant that does not have acute effects. Literal Soviet super soldier serum, available online as a nasal spray.
Do you use it? Seems a bit sus upon a quick google search
It's very underresearched but also well tolerated. Some people report it doesn't do much, but I don't trust they're taking a good nasal spray correctly. I do use it and uh it's really good. I can sit still now. I don't get anxious for no reason every morning. I fall asleep easier and wake up easier. It's good.
.
If you bought a powder meant for oral consumption please don't snort it lol. The nasal route has far better absorption, but you can just take a larger oral dose.
I'm untreated at the moment, it hits me hard but I've somehow managed to get really good at compartmentalizing it and separating the physical feeling from the mental spiral. I still feel it just as much as I always have and I'm not able to change that, but I can give my brain a little kick to make it stop the whole "this person hates you now and you were stupid for doing this" thought train, look at the situation objectively, and realize just how far from reality those thoughts are.
I do this for anxiety too, I can't make myself less anxious but I can look at a situation that makes me anxious, realize that there's no actual reason for it, and then go and do the thing. My heart still pounds and my hands still shake but I can have a good time anyway.
I wouldn't call this just ignoring it, but I know I'm gonna feel like ass anyway and if I avoided every situation that makes me feel like ass I wouldn't do anything at all. It sucks HARD though, I may be able to power through it but it's fucking exhausting being in fight or flight for 99% of my day all while feeling like a ghost pokemon used curse on me every time someone uses a slightly harsh tone. I can logic it out to get things done but it doesn't lessen the feeling at all.
I do this for anxiety too, I can't make myself less anxious but I can look at a situation that makes me anxious, realize that there's no actual reason for it, and then go and do the thing. My heart still pounds and my hands still shake but I can have a good time anyway.
This, I think, is what people talking about when they say that anxiety doesn’t go away, but you eventually learn how to manage it