Folks, this is it.

After more than six months on Wellbutrin, being the unfocused mess I've always been, and being treated like a criminal and/or child by the most condescending, inconsiderate psychiatrist I've ever had the displeasure of seeing, I decided to say fuck it and find another professional.

For six months, I've been made to wait by my health insurance provider for an ADHD test that never came. I'm on a mysterious waiting list that moves forward at a pace that is known only to the Nether Gods and in all likelihood I'll never get to do this test anyways. All of this because apparently a psychiatrist does not have the authority to say "hey, I think you have ADHD, let's try a first-line treatment and see if it works for you." Silly me, thinking a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose a psychiatric disorder.

Well, my new psychiatrist decided to try a new approach: I've been on Lithium before, because a GP thought I might be bipolar. It didn't work, because... I'm not bipolar. So let's try ADHD medicine and if it works, then, well... in all likelihood, I truly do have ADHD.

Folks, it seems I do have ADHD. Vyvanse (actually Lisvenx, same medication, different name) works a treat. A goddamn treat, I say.

Yesterday felt like the first day of the rest of my life. Cheesy cliché, I know, but holy fucking shit it feels like an entirely new world has been opened to me. I taught five lessons without feeling like I was going to fall asleep for even a single moment. My mind is focused, and my internal monologue is only one audio track instead of four.

I have energy, I don't feel my eyes trying to shut on their own. I can simply get up and fucking do things. Easy things are easy to do. Difficult things are difficult to do for the correct reasons. I defeated the Fromsoft ADHD field boss: I folded all my laundry and put it away.

How did I spend more than 30 years of my life not feeling like this? How many opportunities did I lose, how many things did I abandon because I felt like I wasn't capable of doing them, not because of my lack of competence, but rather because there was an invisible wall of inability between me and even the simplest task? I now realize how much of a fucking legit disability ADHD is.

This is only my second day on this medication so I'm afraid that things might not always be like this from now on. I'm afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I'll eventually go back to how I was before. If that ever does happen, though, I'll know that that disorganized mess of a human being is not all that I can be.

I can be better. There is hope.

This has been a life-changing experience for sure, and I hope that every single person who needs ADHD medication does get the opportunity to at least try it once, if only to realize that a better life is, in fact, possible.

i can't tell by facial/social/verbal cues

if i ask them they get mad at me

literally what do i do lmao

I haven't felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don't feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.

Does this sound like it's related to neurodivergence? I'm 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven't done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.

It's not a supply issue.

Apparently, every controlled prescription requires approval from some corporate office, and they haven't replied to my pharmacist's requests. I have to follow up every day but I often forget to.

Something about my physician's DEA number conflicts with Walmart's database. I'm never told the details. It happens nearly every time.

If I finally get it filled on the 12th, a couple days from now, I'll have to wait until December 12th to request again. That means, effectively, I get a 30-day supply every ~42 days.

I'm coming to the end of a three-day weekend. I had nothing but free time and a dozen creative TankieTube projects on my mind's desk that would have brought me joy to work on. However, because I've been rationing myself only three capsules per week, I lost all that time to attention traps on the internet. I'm grieving it.

^Previous^ ^Adderall^ ^lore:^ ^2023^ ^October^^,^ ^2024^ ^August^

I used to see myself as a person who prided themselves in not letting shit bother me, be it something really sad, scary, happy or funny, I repeatedly told myself I wouldn’t let it affect me. And that worked for a long time sure, but eventually it all comes out in one way or another.

And when it came out, it wasn’t pretty, it took the form as (what felt like) a complete loss of control. I hoped to have a cathartic release and feel a range of emotions, but I genuinely felt like I had to thoughts attributed to what was happening. Even though I fully knew I was in control, I kept telling myself that something else was controlling me (it felt that way because my brain was going faster than my mouth if that makes sense). My brain is usually somewhat ahead of my mouth (I fucking hate this but it’s why texting/writing comes so much easier)

I’ve for the longest time tried to explain to others why I’ve felt trapped in my mind, but I can’t really get any help because most of the time the people in my life tell me “whatever is happening to you, it’s not coming from god” which seems like such a fucking absurd thing to say.

Realizing I’m somewhere on the probably somewhere on the spectrum, and I can clearly see others in my life where not behaving in a typically autistic way near power, will attain a desired result. I know because I’ve tried in both ways, and “falling in line” works most of the time if you don’t touch any number of buzzwords.

It’s just I’m watching a video right now where someone is critiquing Corey in the house in some way to the sociopolitical underpinnings of the themes in the show

Thinking like in the context of how to read Donald Duck. And some things are just off limits

It was a hard day. Got a message from my landlord saying the police were bothering him because our visas were expired. They weren't. Had to go to the police station and get it squared away. So anxious the whole time. (Of course there was nothing to worry about, but that doesn't matter for emotional regulation). Afterwards couldn't hold it in and ended up crying in public. Went home and could barely stand, my feet hurt from the stress. Ordered safe food from meituan. My partner gets the door, and the delivery river says "I'm glad you're here" in broken English.

This is why I moved here. When I'm so hurt I can't even make eye contact, let alone start up conversations (which I can barely do in English, let alone Chinese), people actually notice. They actually care. So much so that a random delivery rider would go out of his way to speak a language other than his own. I'm so happy I'm alive.

With my last partner I’ve learned quite a bit especially putting my needs and myself first, I am lonely but if I don’t vibe with someone then I shouldn’t just get with them because of what I’m feeling. I have to give myself space and time to find the right person I click with. That being said, I feel somewhat ashamed and sad that the person I’ve been on two dates with might not be compatible with me, they’re very nice, they’re funny, and in the first date I felt we clicked but the second, I just don’t know. I was trying to figure out if it was my self sabotaging behavior preventing me from being happy but I don’t think it is. I like them but I feel like they would be better off with someone more outspoken maybe? I wasn’t feeling too well on the second date either, I was also scared of catching Covid (I have something now so wish granted) and I was generally in a lot of pain, I should’ve said something but I didn’t and when the date was coming to a close I couldn’t do it anymore and said I wanted to go home. I was upset because they were sad and I could tell because they were more quiet near the end, and any reason I had for not wanting to continue hanging out felt like an excuse.

Maybe it’s just me, they know a lot and they’re smart but I feel they’re not my type and they deserve better. I’m just like wallpaper a dull boring person and they’re the opposite of that.

It is very tiresome and painful for me (AuDHD) because of the:

1. Open office setup which leaves me unable to slack comfortably when I have reached my limit, leading me to overwork
2. The forced socializing because I have to negotiate with the rest of the developers and testers, while having to mask throughout the whole day (I reached the point where most days I don't eat with the rest of the devs but I just eat alone to recharge)
3. The fact that most of my working time consists of waiting for the programs to compile, while I just scroll on the phone in waiting mode and feeling very understimulated
4. The long commute (2h back and forth), which combined with the 8h of work have left me with no time and energy for my personal interests. I imagine neurotypicals also suffer greatly from this, but as my interests are a fundamental part of my identity I feel like my self has been completely squashed to fit into the "job mode" box
5. My work PC is monitored so I can't even go into this site or talk with my leftist gf and friend group (also occasional drug users). I need this communication and shitposting time as a break from work yet I don't have it. I feel socially castrated
6. The daily status report meetings force me to work even on days where I can't fucking take it anymore just so I have something to say, and also interrupt me while I am working by forcing a context switch

I just cope by using drugs bi-weekly (pregabalin, psychedelics and dissociatives) but even then instead of enjoying the trip I always come back to venting about work and capitalism to my poor gf

Have you found some trick to survive while working, without getting burnt out? I want to listen to your experiences. If this post isn't appropriate for this comm, feel free to delete it

Im gonna increasr the autisms by at least three

Im bad with kids but the other job im training for is with adults 30 minutes by car away so i cant afford that gas to stay there forever

I'm particularly looking for time management/organizational stuff that helps with inattentive ADHD, but please do share anything you think could be helpful to anyone else.

jk, of course. honestly feels a little shitty to make this joke, but I know she's not on Hexbear and it helps me feel better about this situation, so 🤷😂

jfc, it is genuinely shocking to understand this as her impression of me – just not at all the social feedback that I am used to

cannot tell you how many times I have been told I come off bitchy and c*nty and self-righteous – that sentence was genuinely astounding and I am still reeling, hence the post

officially AuDHD, with suggestion to seek OCD help as well

if you've been assessed, how did you feel about your results? did it take you a year to fully assimilate them? 😂 feeling like it's gonna take me at least that long to really take all of this in

As yall have seen me post and post, I've been doing freelance AI training to keep myself afloat while looking for a steady job.

It occurred to me a few days ago that when training the AI, you're almost forced to think in a certain way that doesn't really jive with me, and my brain might not be wired for.

I suspect I'm not the only one, but if yall would read it, I'll make some time to get something more formal writted!

What I mean is that I have ADHD, I got diagnosed this summer, but sometimes I feel like I don't have ADHD in the right way. I struggl with ADHD a lot, and it really affects me, but for some reason I feel like I'm using it as an excuse or faking my symptoms. Even though I know I'm not?

ADHD affects me very negatively and it makes being in college way, way harder for me than other people. But hyperactivity is less of a symptom for me than other ADHDers (but still a thing), so i feel like im faking my condition.

Like, I have an official, medical diagnosis. Nobody thinks I'm playing up or faking my symptoms. So then why the hell do I get like this?

Also I very likely have autism but diagnosis is very expensive so that's another issue

Just kinda wondering if any other comrades have this specific thing.

I started hair pulling when I was like 8 or 9 and ended up giving myself a bald spot on my crown for a couple months. My parents noticed and scolded me, no other intervention.

Thankfully, I was able to restrain myself enough to prevent it showing on my scalp. To this day I continue on abnormally dark or coarse hairs, and now that I'm finally getting some grays it is so hard to resist spending and hour or two in the mirror getting them all.

I know this probably sounds weird or gross to most people, I've never been diagnosed with any sort of mental disorder so talking about it is a little weird to me.

I know it has overlap with OCD, and I've had other slight OCD symptoms.

you don't have to describe them in detail with dates, not trying to get you to doxx yourself

but it's kind of A Thing with neurodivergent folks to have tried a lot of different jobs, and I'm curious about everybody's count

I think I'm up to 21 that I've filed taxes for, which doesn't seem that extreme for 42, except when you consider that I've been unemployed most of my son's 17 years of life because I couldn't handle parenting and that level of outside obligations, so most of those happened before I was 25 – so 20ish jobs between 15-25

how bout you, how many things have you tried?

do any neurodivergence havers also have the issue of trying to balk for like a good few turns from a conversation where you tried to bring up a point or suggest an alternative to something but you misread the room and it turns into what I can only perceive as the other person taking what you thought was an off-hand idea that you have no real attachment to and turning it into their own personal mission to, I honestly can’t tell why so I'll just say how it looks to me, submit to their way of thinking? Maybe they want to change my perspective? Maybe they want to win in the marketplace of ideas?

Anyways, then you’re like stuck in a dialogue loop where you keep saying “I literally have zero real attachment to this idea and I brought it up for the sake of conversation” and they scold me for deigning to bring the other idea up and we will not stop talking about this until I physically exit the room or grovel at their feet in tears begging for forgiveness for my dastardly nonsequitur? Or something else that I genuinely don’t understand? Am I missing something? It feels like a dominance routine from my perspective and it’s happened to me enough times that I think I’m just misunderstanding something?

I thought it was a neurosis I picked up from my conflict-avoidant behaviors but my sister is more confrontational than me and she also has this issue sometimes so I’m wondering if it’s an ADHD thing. Had a convo yesterday with a friend of mine that was like this and I genuinely felt like shit afterwards, it's one of the instances where I genuinely don't know how to amicably resolve it, I'm trying to be pliant and flexible here, please let me exit this conversation naturally I don't want to make this an issue I am trying to communicate that please let me leave please please please

This has happened to me dozens of times and every time it feels like the realization of a nightmare. I’m so genuinely actually sorry for attempting to help you by wantonly-suggesting alternative perspectives to cover what I perceive to be unnoticed angles in what you are saying hoping that maybe it could be rolled into a consensus point that might be helpful, I didn’t think this was a venting/rhetorical discussion, If it was I missed those cues, it will not happen again to you now that I know you do not gel with it, I’m sorry, I’m Harrier DuBois the sorry cop, this is my sorry song, please dismiss me from this conversation so I don’t have to literally walk away, I don’t want to leave lingering resentment for something I genuinely thought was innocuous

I would LOVE to be able to branch out, but as much as I’ve tried in my almost 30 years, it always ends as nothing but a wet fart. Most of the people who I do vibe with (and who tolerate me) exist in the form of potential romantic interests and it just doesn’t work out. I can’t find that “line” of platonicness and romance. From that perspective then, I guess it makes sense why my friendships/commections ceased formation in my adolescence. Doesn’t make it suck any less though lolololol

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/3796123

What do your weekly meals look like for you and your fam? I generally enjoy cooking, what I don't enjoy is the negotiations that come with cooking, and with kids, it's even worse. I'm also the kind of person that could eat the same 5 dishes for a year without much fuss or question. That's the ADHD lodged in my brain for you.

The negotiation, or even the anticipation of negotiations, makes me agitated. If I could, I'd be a food dictator, but that's not how living with people works. It's annoying enough to me that I often push it to the back of my mind and just "figure it out" on the fly. That's not conducive to making good choices, though, only convenient choices.

If I'm going to do most of the cooking, I'll want a schedule of meals, so I can both plan, anticipate, and head-off any objections. I struggle with being assertive on this point, and I'm told often, "We don't need to do that much planning." Which, as someone with ADHD into my late 30s, I know is not true, and I do need that much planning if not more. Structure is something I need, and the kids at this age obviously thrive off structure as well.

So anyway, how do you tackle this? I need to get this sorted out for myself, but also for my kiddos. Kiddo 1 just had an annual checkup and is low on iron, and is growing increasingly picky about food. Kiddo 2 is still in that "I'll try anything in front of me." phase, and getting this sorted out now hopefully means I can avoid the pickiness down the line.

I'm going to cross post this in [email protected] & [email protected] as I think it has some clear overlap.

That’s like the one of the only ways I’ve managed to meet people (THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE) and it sucks so so fucking much because finding someone who is reciprocative to that type of shit is so damn hard-especially in the era of instagram reels and TikTok

Is there a way to learn to socialize “normally” I’ve learned that I’m going to be very lonely if I don’t figure out how especially with my current career (god this just reminds me of how soulless my current job is)

I’m really starting to learn how my brain chemistry almost lines up with my politics (as in how I am foolishly passionate about how I would prefer everyone be forced to live with the same amount of resources and be forced to understand how it’s not about the community.

But yeah sometimes that shit comes out at inopportune times and I have legit seen it make my friends lose their jobs

But yes this still explains why I need to learn better acceptable small talk and how to approach bringing up that small talk without seemingly coming out of nowhere

I got a respiratory infection and got prescribed Prednisone to fight it. The Prednisone has been helping, but has made my symptoms of schizophrenia a lot worse, including dangerous mood swings and tweaky paranoia. Does anybody have any suggestions for dealing this this?

so horrifically in touch with everything I'm bad at, every way I just do not fit what other people expect

tell me you know that feel, please

SOMETIMES an autistic elder statesman like myself might have like, gone through a hypersexual phase and then chilled out. Which is sort of me, but also sort of not.

Also this: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA8xUiNufSQ/

Something like those Japanese jackoff boxes that are in crowded spaces but instead it's a soundproof box with climate control and dimmable lights for calming the fuck down.

I'm at a theme park with my kids today and it's very not chill.