spoiler

Its sooo frustrating struggling to start/hold conversations. I really want to talk with someone at work more, especially about my trans stuff, because she's super supportive and my favorite person there but I always feel so doubtful about anything I think of messaging or anything like that.

idk, she's so supportive. Supportive of me being on hrt and super eager to call me my name. Really love that about her. Like yea, should be the baseline, but a lot more then most of the other cis people I've come out to.

The wallace and gromit movies are the only real culture has ever produced CMV

Nice asian lady was definitely calling me she to her daughters, kinda the highlight of the day. She seemed like she was ESL so maybe she is from over there and it's a cultural thing because I do not pass or even look like a woman atp 😭

A little more than a week ago I vented out a feeling of isolation and nihilism and hopelessness for myself , but I let it out and cast it aside , burned like a sacrifice. My sacrifice was rewarded , and a search without desperation and full of confidence showed me a moment of true revolutionary queer love in a way I’d only experienced in grandiose poetry. It was beautiful and we were truly free there in each other’s arms. Love you all comrades

Catching a train, leaving my home for the first time in a while, a guy stands up and introduces himself to the carriage, some speech about being homeless, having a wife, whatever

I hand him a fiver I have been holding onto for this kinda thing, he says like thank you sir, you have kindness in your heart, god bless you

😮‍💨

once again I am languishing with the idea that god allows all this to happen, okay bud

i wish my fingers were more thin and slender so I could more easily stick bugles on the tips of them. my fingers are currently too stout and wide for most bugles

Hmm i wonder why i used to absolutely hate swimming for a good half of my life and only ever tolerated it even after

bi hornt

Fuck I wanna collar a boy and fuck his brains out right now, wtf bi cycle

sad stuff about being trans spoiler

I want to hold a girl in my arms, or be held in a girl's arms and just cry. All i want is to cry while cuddling and just scream and yell and boil with rage about the world we live in, to live while struggling just to live another day, just to get our medicine and just to be happy for a single moment in the endless misery and torture that we are subjected to as trans folk.

Then i want to relish in that i am not alone. That theres people like her that feel the same things i am, that have similar experiences to me and to cry even more knowing that im not alone. That i had never been alone but just didnt realize it from how isolated i felt from my community

I always thought the succubus t girl thing was a little overplayed. I like being mlre of a vampire. But after bottom surgery... now I want a womb tattoo lol

bad coming out story

I came out to my mom

She started begging me not to transition

Why the fuck did I hope for anything?

I've started taking pictures of myself every month to track my progress, every end of the month i take a new picture. I started back in november so i use a pic from september as my starting point. It makes me so much happier because i can see the clear differences between the months. Sometimes i revisit old conversations from november to see my old self and how ive changted behaviourally and mentally between then and now.

For example, behaviourally, i used to hate the idea of being a parent. I don't get along with kids as is and because i'm impatient i would've been an unwilling mother. But.. now i foster several transgirls, taking care of them long-distance and i have one girl that i'm able to help with their hrt journey in real life now. To me, now, there isn't a greater joy than watching my girls bud and bloom like flowers. After all, looking at a plant is pretty but watering it, taking care of it, etc. and being rewarded with a beautiful blossom is worth so much more. And with transgirls, to me, its the most rewarding feeling to me - seeing them blossom in real time when knowing you are one of the people that was blessed with a seedling that grew into something so elegant and magnificent feels magical

it's barely been my third month on E.. so much changed already. I felt self love, confidence, hate, sadness - all of them proper for the first time ever. unfortunately coincided with vials being harder to access nowadays, thanks a lot turkish government...

it's a beautiful thing, to be trans.. but.. i wish i could do more to help my community than doing what i can in my situation

Why is shaving so sisyphean

sex stuff

Experiment:

Put the vibrating octopus tentacle dildo in my mouth at various settings

Results:

Had to spit it out when the thing started vroom vrooming in my throat.

Conclusion:

Further research should be performed by trying to create some artificial cum lube and using no vibration setting.

A promising direction was a post on reddit, which explored the chemistry process of making such a thing

Yeeeaaah things fucking suck again, but at least I am writing again. Nothing good though 😬

cw: hrt changes, breasts

Been noticing my breasts today, feels like they're growing. Like give me a couple months and I swear I'll have real boobs. It's been almost 2 months, and they've been great. I think its been kicking into high gear this last couple weeks, I'm super excited for the next months

Feeling hot as hell today 🙂 Makeup is going well even though I'm still figuring it out. With concealer on I feel like I actually see myself 🥰

cw: drug mention

I know it's not exactly a healthy option but I'm really considering using cannabis to get rid of these constant nightmares. I was asleep for maybe an hour or hour and a half and ive already woken up from a horrifying one. I just wanna sleep peacefully

I actually really like my deadname. It doesn't feel like me and i don't like the reason my parents gave it to me buuuuuuuuut as a name in a vacuum I think it's really cute

down with cis

Amazing how my whole week can be summarized as "nothing ever happens", but with a whole lotta gut wrenching pain in between.

I'm quitting nicotine.

This shit sucks. I hate this. I was using so much, now trying to limit myself to 4 hits from a vape per day, down from constantly hitting it all day every day. I hate this. I was going cold turkey starting yesterday (with a cessation aid, to be fair) and today was so miserable I needed to switch to stepping down instead of just stopping outright cause I could feel I was gonna break and just start using as per usual again. Any progress is good progress. I keep telling myself that. But I'm anxious and angsty and uppity and pissy and amped and it sucks. I'm exhausted and full of energy all at once. I need something to fully absorb my attention and time and give me dopamine. Maybe I'll play some videogames. Idk. I hate my brain rn, I hate this so much. I'm trying to resist as much as I can, even with the four hit allotment. The less I use the better. Maybe tomorrow I can go without entirely. Idk. This shit just fucking sucks.

spoiler request? If anyone has tips/suggestions for aiding quitting please share, I need some sort of anxious fidget I think to replace the anxious hits and constantly addressing anxiety by vaping. I could use suggestions for the oral fixation aspect (no I will not chew toothpicks or gum I know those are common but I hate both of them). Preemptive thank you for any suggestions or encouragements. This shit sucks.

spoiler

Closet was the right place for me. At least I didn't have to worry about things. Now I gotta deal with the fall out what I've said and no idea of how to deal with any of it. Ain't nobody teach me any equations for this, nor do I got "fuck you" money to cut connections.

Yeah my mom told my dad, even though she pinkie promised she wouldn't tell my dad anything

Fuck this shit I swtg. This is an even bigger mess than it needed to be and I do not want to deal with it. Literally just telling em to shut up and not talk to me.

pain is just fun entering the body

So as I've posted about before, I've been on a bit of a kick of researching endocrine system info and stuff like that. And its fuckin garbage how many options there are for masculinizing vs feminizing. There's a shit ton of anabolic steroids, peptides, whatever else. Literal endless options that work in different ways and do slightly different things. Trans fem there's like, prog and some options for losing weight (pio, glp1). Why aren't there a dozen funny drugs people tell me not to take that give me bigger tits or something. I know feminizing my voice isn't possible like steroids can masculinize it but idk. Gimme something. In cis women its all birth control shit.

Also still feeling super fucking negative is anyone surprised

I think I'm not actually that far away now... It's just voice and makeup and I'm working on both. Surreal.

negative

Don't really want to be here anymore. Not like I want to hurt myself, but I just wish I could not be for a little while. Sometimes I'm really happy, and other times I wish I could go back to feeling nothing at all. Today it's the latter 😮‍💨