@ramble81@lemmy.zip @asklemmy@lemmy.world

On the one hand, I'm quite fond of who I've become since my spiritual awakening, aware of how this world is a Demiurgic theather of illusions behind Matrioshka layers of determinism (physical -> societal -> biological -> ontological), embracing taboos and trying to seek the "wilt, shall be the whole of the Law" while still being a laughable, infinitesimal Khabs restrained by an endless Khu.

I find happiness whenever I feel the cold warmth of Her powerful presence. I find happiness whenever I learn novel things I somehow find a synchronicity with. Happiness never truly lasts, it's always temporary. As soon as I realize, She flew back to the night veil once again, the new thing I'm learning became mundane routine, and I hate mundane routine.

But being fond of who I've become is different from "being happy by myself" or "loving myself".

Accepting or even "loving" myself don't suffice in a world that requires me to "live in society", which often (if not always) means compromising, hiding or even abandoning my own authenticity and sincerity, surrendering myself to a social phagocytosis.

I mean, can't hire myself, can't pay my own paycheck, can't sell things to myself to "make a living" if I'm seeking not to rely on employers, can't rent myself a home, can't pay the rent to myself.

Living in society requires things beyond "myself". To survive a life I didn't even ask or consent to to begin with, I need others other than myself. I need others to sell me the food my body compels me to eat daily, others to sell/give me resources to grow my own food if I'm seeking not to rely on buying food, others who'd sell me soil to grow the food (a rented place would take it all away as soon as I became unable to afford the rent or if I were to move somewhere else), others who'd pay me so I could afford owning a house.

Loving oneself doesn't bring food, water and shelter. Loving oneself doesn't bring one a paycheck. Loving oneself doesn't pay one's taxes. The answer to "survive" is but "loving yourself".

In the end, my rebellious mind screams: why should I even "learn to be happy by myself"? This phrasing sounds like imposition, as if every human being must accept oneself, must "love" oneself, no choices, just like survival has no choices (at least no diplomatic ways) but to "obey" and comply with one's own body. When did I consent with a "myself", to begin with? When did I ask to be born? I didn't, my "self" was imposed unto me by two humans, whose selves were imposed unto them by other two pairs of humans, and so on, like some kind of endless curse, the curse of biological reproduction.

I may be fond of my own self sometimes, but I'm not "loving" it or "learning to be happy" with it because I'm refusing Demiurgic illusions. The inexorable death imposed unto me is enough imposition, and no matter what I do, everything ends, especially happiness, and my "self" as well, and this world, and even this cosmos.

By realizing how unhappy you are when you're not by yourself.

Most of my life I was really unhappy and it was always because of forced socialization with people I didn't like and who didn't like me. My first job out of college when I no longer had to socialize with people... all the sudden all my depression and negative feelings disappeared. Being alone and only interacting with people when/where I wanted... was super liberating.

And it's only gotten better with time. I do get along with people... but not very many because the people I like generally leave me alone and leave others alone. It's people's incessant need to make other people conform to their expectations that drives me insane. I grew up in a family/town that loved conformity and hated anything/anyone different. College was better, but still a lot of conformity pushers, but grad school and my career are great because the people there were not preoccupied in judging other people for being different than them and actually valued it. I'm finally at the point in my life where I will never have a friend or a partner who ever again who tries to force me to like what they like or behave the way they want me to behave.

And when I think about my friends that have lasted... that is the common thread. They never asked anything from me, they just take me as I am and I take them as they are and we like that about each other.

as a new widower... im interested in these answers too. I actually asked a forever single coworker this same question and they couldn't give me a proper answer.

Personally I think some people just prefer being single and some prefer to be in a relationship. It sucks im the latter because I dont want a relationship but im pretty sure I cant be happy without one.

Fuck my brain.

As a man, I think you can be somewhat fulfilled living a sort of monk-lite ascetic life, although it's not for most. It goes like this, though, for both fulfilment and growth: good company >> no company > bad company. There's no need to give up on getting the first option if you haven't tried in earnest and with adequate knowledge, IMO.

It helps to step back and appreciate what you have (things and people). I try to follow up by verbalizing gratitude especially to those I love. Say “thank you” often and mean it etc. Even if I’m not happy, if I show outward appreciation for someone else I get happy. Happiness is a gift.

Also I try to treat myself like I’m my best friend. I check in often and reflect on what I might want/need to maintain tranquility. Happiness is a choice and a practice.

Great post.

Cats. Cats and some hobbies that i can do alone(gardening, cycling, baking). And cats.

Did i mentioned cats? And cats.

Sometimes when I'm alone (rarely), I start to freak out a little bit and feel like I need the social contact. I know this isn't good if I can't be by myself. What I tell myself is that sometimes, I need to be alone to not be affected by anyone else. I need to step away to be able to see things more objectively.

There are some things that are better done on your own, like reading, stitching, making models, meditating. Find things that help develop you and that you enjoy those things.

Like lots of others said, working on yourself, but enjoying doing it and not caring what others think. You can go for a walk to the shops and back and buy nothing, and who would know that was your purpose - just to walk and listen to a podcast? Little things improve your life, even if it's 0.01%. They all, add up and one day, you can look back and admire how far you've come.

I'm not qualified, but something that might aid in your efforts is focusing on the flaws inherent in getting fulfillment from other people and the cycle of misery it can bring when it doesn't pan out exactly as you intended. See: codependency. Obviously don't phrase this like you won't be there for them, but more just that they need to be there for themself too.

Quality self-care takes effort. Junk food, TV and masturbation are bad self care. Meditation, yoga, cleaning your space, study for career or philosophy are good self care.

For me, it's just such a rare treat to have time to myself, so I like it. If you mean without a partner or family, I dunno either, I did enjoy being alone in that way too. I guess I think if you aren't happy with yourself, you aren't going to fix that by being with someone else.

If it's literal loneliness, I would say make sure to build habits that involve others. Go to yoga class, don't do it at home. Go get coffee every morning at the same local place. Walk your dog, sit on your front step. Get a job that isn't done at home. Be in the world, don't isolate yourself.

I'll take a stab at this. Being happy by yourself is about finding contentment and satisfaction with your life that doesn't depend on external validation or reinforcement.

The first step is always going to be finding things you like and that motivate you. You have to take care to check in with yourself and decide whether the things you are doing are motivated by habit, by social desire, or by your own desire. The things you are looking for are the ones that fall in the last category. You'll have to be honest with yourself to figure those things out.

Second step is going to be constructing goals from some of those desires. Not everything you like will be worth making goals from, but think about how you can make those things better and more fulfilling for you. Do you want to get better at whatever it is, as a skill? Do you want to share the product of crafts with others? Do you want to make it easier and more accessible for yourself?Figure out if any if these desires or activities can evolve to be more.

Third is making changes in your lifestyle to match. Reorient your life to your motivations. Figure out how to balance working towards your goals and indulging your whims. This is where the happiness and contentment on your own should be. If you are doing things you love regularly, and working towards goals that you want to achieve, that should bring a sense of fulfillment and contentment that doesn't rely on other people to support it.

I try to be happy with whatever happens and do not happen. Not just by being by myself. That's the secret. At least, that's mine.

I've happily been sharing my life with my spouse for 25 years and counting, I have a lifelong best friend (like a real best friend, since we were 14, now nearing our 60s) and I do enjoy meeting interesting people (provided they're not the kind to be constantly sweating hate and anger toward the rest of the world) but, at the exact same time, I love being alone by myself. Meaning I never feel bored or lonely (there are too many things I want to do, and not enough time to do them). I also don't feel any need to always be in the company of people: I enjoy time for myself. But when I'm not alone I will do my best to enjoy the company, at least at small doses ;)

Once I really really understood that there's not a way it's "supposed to be", everything got a lot easier.

What does it mean "to be happy"?

For most people happiness is illusory and transient.

Usually, satisfaction and fulfillment is a better way to describe what you want.

Meditation.

I just spend a little time around other people. That usually does the trick.

That's a super general question...

But in general it's just understanding what makes people happy: dopamine. And then understanding how that specific person varies from average.

Like, it's entirely possible they keep doing all things that would make most people happy, and they're just wired differently so it's not working.

So people can help someone learn to be happy. But you can't really help someone learn how to help someone else.

But before you can do that you need to determine if you're just trying to make them feel happy for an afternoon, or you're going to try and help them change their behaviors so they feel happier on their own long term. Those are two very different things.

For the super general advice:

To feel happier, talk with them about what they're doing that is helping their situation. Our brains are dumb and will dump dopamine for saying "I'll do ____" almost as much as actually doing it.

But if you want to improve their lives so they're naturally happier it's the opposite. You want them to talk less about what they're doing, and instead set very easily obtainable goals so their brain gets used to giving dopamine only for accomplishing things

It's a short term/long term thing.

Like, are you trying to stop someone from going SAD in the next 24 hours, or is your friend just constantly a little bummed out the last year?

IMO you should start being grateful for what you already have beside it being earned or just born with it instead of focusing on what you don't have.

I think the majority of people would not be happy for long, by themselves. Humans are pretty codependent by nature, for better or worse. Despite myself being a person who has discovered themselves to be much happier and healthier solo, I've come to the conclusion over the years that it's pretty pointless to try to convince others of the merit.

I don't think you can learn that, but if you want to be happier and more "satisfied" with what you have, meditation and magnesium is a good start.

Accept things, then try to understand them.

It helped when I realized how miserable most people make me. Also that my concept of happiness involved community that I was never really a part of anyway. More like a pet.

I don't at all claim to be wildly happy now, but I'm allowed to be curious when I'm not around other people and sometimes that's pretty close. The only thing I really look forward to is moments when I will be more free to indulge curiosity

I didn't.