askchapo

22756 readers

446 users here now

Ask Hexbear is the place to ask and answer ~~thought-provoking~~ questions.

Rules:

Posts must ask a question.
If the question asked is serious, answer seriously.
Questions where you want to learn more about socialism are allowed, but questions in bad faith are not.
Try [email protected] if you're having questions about regarding moderation, site policy, the site itself, development, volunteering or the mod team.

founded 4 years ago

MODERATORS

[email protected]

Dealing with friendships that only have the past in common (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

9 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Officially in my mid-30s and every year that goes by I realize more and more that friendships from the past, high school, university etc start to dwindle as people get older and are more set in their lives. I understand that's how life is, but the upsetting thing is realizing that these friendships are based on little more than hanging onto past experiences.

I realize that I have less and less in common with them and we generally don't share the same values. They are mostly run of the mill libs "normies" type of people. Sure that sounds obnoxious, but as I'm sure many of you understand, being a queer leftist means that you will never have the same experiences as these people. I choose the people I spend my time with and the places I go very carefully to maximize my safety and enjoyment out of hell world.

Sure it would be easy to write all these people off and just focus on my new friendships with people whom I have more in common with, but that's easier said than done. It feels wrong on some level to let these friendships go. Even if it's the other person coming to the same conclusion. It still hurts on some level.

How have you dealt with this situation? I highly doubt this is unique.

top 9 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

the important part would be having similar interests, whether that is sports or music or politics or whatever. That is what gives you the chance to still enjoy hanging out with someone. Just talking about the past seems tough to do, there has to be other topics of conversation.

My two closest friends i've known for 2/3 of my life and im close to your age. One of them has a kid now so i see him less because of that, but we still laugh at the same stupid shit and will go to a show/event every now and then. I think these days everyone really wants to elevate every relationship i.e. friendship can't be JUST about the past or similar interests, or a relationship has to be like something from a movie. I sorta blame self-help books too. It's pretty much impossible to expect that from everyone, especially when many people are in committed relationships that take up their time. My dads friends were just guys he hung out with at a bar. Somewhere in Lebanon there are a bunch of dudes just sitting around watching soccer with each other.

Also you should be happy to have friends to reminisce with, because shared memory is a great thing. You definitely shouldnt let people go because theirs/your lives have changed.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This is very insightful, thank you. I agree with the self help influence where they are saying things like "dump your friends if they don't have the hustle grind set" I definitely don't think like that. But, I think it can be difficult sometimes to just continue to maintain relationships with people when there is little in common between you.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

for sure. i used to go to music festivals, and i'd do group camping and to meet the minimum would invite strangers i found on Facebook or whereever. Crazily enough, it always worked out really well, but many of them i didnt have much more in common than the music we listen to. Making a deep connection is tough to do all the time.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It's funny because I also have a few friends who I met at music festivals that I see once a year. I occasionally interact with them on discord, but beyond that, I just kind of keep them in a separate category. So maybe it's a matter of setting expectations for different friendships?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

the distance doesnt help either, most of them are from hours and hours away in cities i dont have a huge desire to visit. it's tough to maintain a connection after only 3-4 days.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm disabled so I'm in a very different class position from many of my old friends. The longer they own their own homes the worse it gets, and as soon as they have children the more invested they are in preserving the status quo despite that status quo fucking them up at every turn.

They are mostly run of the mill libs "normies" type of people.

I totally get it, comrade. I love my friends but they frustrate the hell out of me sometimes. How often do they tut-tut you for being too "negative"?

Meanwhile: https://www.theonion.com/study-confirms-it-becomes-harder-to-make-childhood-frie-1850600357

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Yeah, I completely understand. My first close friend had a child recently and I'm dreading what that's going to do to things. I'm not particularly good with kids and I certainly don't want any of my own so that makes it hard to relate when the thing that is going to be their top priority in life isn't on your radar.

Definitely been chastised for negativity.

Good article haha very funny.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I'm dealing with this right now. I mentioned one such friend in a post I made yesterday. It's hard to deal with the reality of friendships that only exist because of history and not wanting to formally end things.

I had a shower thought last night and for all of my reasons not to end the friendship, I didn't think that it's because I missed them or enjoyed their company.

I think it's nice to remember friendships fondly and showing respect and gratitude for what the friendship was, but if it's not something I currently enjoy or want to maintain, then I shouldn't.

We grow up and change and we find people more in line with our values. We just also live in a world where it's harder to disconnect with people. In the past, you could just go to another city and you'd never see certain people again. Now we have social media

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

If there's no like values anymore, cut 'em off. Otherwise, what are you hanging onto? The hope that you'll recapture the halcyon days where you weren't worrying about what you have to now?