Blahaj (bootleg) acquired.
this post was submitted on 06 Jan 2025
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
(hexbear.net)
Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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My parents and immediate family keep asking me "when are you bringing home a girlfriend?" every time I visit and I have no idea how to tell them that sooner or latter the "girlfriend" that will come home might just be me.
My family keeps bringing it up too after my younger sister got engaged. Why do they do this honestly.
Lol nobody asks me about any dating stuff ever after I came out. I think they just don't wanna touch it lol like they don't even know what to ask
Feudal societies placed great emphasis on family lines and inheritance (moreso than capitalist ones at least). Culturally speaking, this is kind of a leftover from that time, the same way people often admire or idolise various kings (even if they tell you that they oppose monarchy).
In my case, this feudal system of mariage existed literally just 1 generation ago (my parents were the first in my whole family to not have an arranged marriage). My parents have literally already spent their entire life savings on my education. Their retirement plan is for me to take care of them while they spend as little money as possible (outside of their pension) so that my inheritance is maximized.
i know i just posted a Tris video yesterday but this one's relevant: dream girl
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Really hoping I pass enough for my sisterβs wedding 
internalized transphobia
Every time I go outside and see a cis woman my age I become jealous and sad. I feel so inferior to them. They're born with the right body, while I have to spend a huge amount of time, effort and money in order to change mine. I have to be on HRT for the rest of my life, do voice training and go through several major surgeries, and even then there's no guarantee that cis people will perceive me as a woman.
And will I ever feel like a real woman? Even if I reach the point where I fully pass, that won't change the fact that I've spent several decades living as the wrong gender, and that I'll never have periods or the ability to give birth 
mood
While feelings of inferiority to cis women passed quickly for me, the sense that I've lost something I can't get back by not having the right childhood or adolesence definitely lingers, and the lack of those "universal" experiences of womanhood sometimes makes me feel like there's this huge gulf between me and the people around me. (even though i logically know they're not universal even among cis women)
I try to cope with the otherness of it by thinking about how stuff like this affects a ton of people. A lot of people lose the opportunity have a "normal" adolesence for all sorts of different reasons, we as trans people aren't alone in this. Tons of cis people aren't able to have babies and don't function "right" biologically. And while I don't think it will ever not hurt it doesn't have to define us.
mood
mood
spoiler
So much time and effort to be seen as (and feel like) second rate. Sometimes I wonder what the end goal of this even is. I don't know if I like the idea of being stealth, if I even could be, and obviously we know how cis people see us. All the work and pain... for what.
Thankfully I don't want kids, I'm so sorry.
there's something primal about tinkering with electronics that keeps me working in embedded software even though I've grown to dislike low level programming
Musicals have been associated with queer culture for a long time, but I don't feel that they really hold that much space in trans communities? I've seen people here talk about musicals but no more or less than non-queer folks.
Is this right? Like, I feel like our cultural touchstones are pretty different.
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I LOVE THIS BOOK
I LOVE THIS BOOK
I LOVE THIS BOOK
I WANT LARGE SENTIENT SPIDER BUDDIES
IT'S SUCH A CUTE BOOK AND IT'S SO WHOLESOME
I do like spiders...
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Got some neat stuff thrifting
Kinda wish I could post pics because some of the clothes are really cute imo and I actually found stuff that (mostly) fit me
Found some nice gym stuff too, got a pair of fancy tech wear sweatpants that make my legs and 
look good 
Got some cute plushies my cats have been enjoying too and a street hockey stick for playing cat hockey in the house and that's been fun
Bless whatever tall/large femme donated the shiny windbreaker and hoodie with the faux fur hood lining and sleeve cuffs, think it might be my favorite dysphoria hoodie now despite it being a little short on the torso and sleeves
Might hem it to a crop top or elbow length sleeves and wear it as a summer night kinda layer later but it's really cute imo in a "sporty goth (queer)" kinda way and I'm kinda in love with it
I think I may have just cooked up some new type of sex toy/BDSM wear but I have no idea if it already exists but it feels so obvious that I'm pretty sure it does but I've never heard of it...
I'll post MS paint doodles of it later after work
EDIT: made a post in the new general megathread
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I try to dress well no matter what I do, (I have low self-confidence, but knowing I look the best I can do helps a ton) but the last couple of days have been so cold that shapeless bundle of cloth have been the only viable option. I hate winter 
You can get heavy winter coats that like taper/flare out at the waist. Or you could wear a belt over the coat to get that same effect. If adds shape to the outfit and reads more fem and stylish
My regular winter coat is like that, but I only have a boring puffer jacket for the super cold days. I pack three layers including a big wool sweater underneath anyway, so it's gonna look bulky no matter what I do
Big wool sweater is cute tho. Very cuddly
introspection on libido/sexuality, sex stuff (not explicit), a bit sad. looking for advice.
over the last year and a half or so, my sex drive has been mostly very low. i don't really feel sexual attraction to other people like i used to. i have long-term depression and it's something i've always struggled with, but much more intense the last couple of years. i hardly feel like a sexual being. i'm on 200mg prog and i only get horny once or twice a month, i get myself off and enjoy it. i've been considering that i may fit into the ace spectrum, but this is an idea i've been struggling to accept. i want to feel sexual attraction. i want to feel like a sexual being. but it's felt totally muted for a while now. there are other aspects than physiological, i definitely have some catholic brainworms and shit about sex. but i can't help but feel like the main factor is HRT, as my sex drive and proclivity for sexual attraction has seemed to gradually dwindle over the past few years. i was really excited to get on prog because of the mythical horny but it didn't really happen. i'm also on CPA and already halved my prescribed dose to no avail. T levels are still on the floor so maybe i could try reducing that even further.
what i'd like to ask is, does anyone have any advice on combating this? i feel like maybe eating better and exercising might help, i'm NEET and really depressed and sedentary so that's probably a factor too. i guess if anyone has gone through something similar and managed to rediscover the horny i'd love to hear about it. like i used to fuck loads in my first year and a half or so of transition and i loved it. i wanna go back to that. but it feels almost like a different person now. idk.
spoiler
iβve been considering that i may fit into the ace spectrum, but this is an idea iβve been struggling to accept. i want to feel sexual attraction. i want to feel like a sexual being. but itβs felt totally muted for a while now. there are other aspects than physiological, i definitely have some catholic brainworms and shit about sex. but i canβt help but feel like the main factor is HRT, as my sex drive and proclivity for sexual attraction has seemed to gradually dwindle over the past few years.
For me, I knew I was ace before realizing I was trans, so can't really comment on sexual attraction. Spiro+E really nerfed my libido within a couple weeks, but horny has returned occasionally (to my annoyance), but that might sometimes be related to missing spiro doses (not sure how the pharmacokinetics work for that - sometimes it seems delayed from the missed doses by a couple days). OTOH, I've probably started appreciating other people's bodies more, but that's probably just that I subconsciously learned to avoid paying attention to human bodies and now I have less reason to do that.
Hope you are able to figure something out, whether learning how to work with your current sexuality or get back what you had before.
just some things that have worked for me lately
honestly, i doubt any of this will be relateable or helpful but at the very least i hope you feel seen.
i have been struggling with this. i was on 300mg spiro for a number of years and it i thought it had suppressed my sex drive, but when i switched to CPA things started changing for me, i think? but years ago i was kind of insatiable.
i find that arousal for me if a longer-term thing, vs an "in the moment" thing. if i read something that really tingles me, it'll start the little steam engine in my chest in a way that's difficult to ignore. it seems for me that my arousal needs time to breathe and needs to be more stoked like a fire. i think i enjoy the feeling of it building more than the release of orgasm. there's also like a kink element sometimes to it too, and there's a specific tone of voice that really works on me, too.
i started to put this picture together in the past few months - i thought i was acespike or even entirely asexual for a while because of how little of the kind of fantasy i needed to engage with i was engaging with. now i'm not really sure but i know there's at least more to it than just an alarm clock that goes off in my head that says i need to sex.
my therapist talked about the ideas of "brakes" and "accelerators" in sex - you know, classic stuff. brakes, for example, like your parents coming home, kill arousal. accelerators, for example, [insert secret fantasies here], will build arousal. i don't know if any of that would be helpful to you but separating these two kinds of inputs has been helpful for me.
i can't deny that mood could be a factor, though. for me, brakes also include a lot of second-guessing and performance anxiety, which can really make me anxious enough to not be able to be in the moment and enjoy. explicit roles helps me with that, letting someone else take the lead, etc.
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mood... Not really much to contribute but I can relate almost 100%.
Being NEET and depressed has to be the biggest bulk of it in my case, though. Hard to be sexual when I'm dissociating from my physical body (still alive and doing my stuff but not really feeling it) and needs on some considerable level 24/7.
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All this time putting nail polish on you'd think I be good at it, nah just slather on a base coat the polish the top. The polish on my skins falls off day after and it looks like I know what I'm doing 
Counterpoint: messy/chipped nail polish and like a messy bun and some kinda worn out punk clothes is a v strong look imo
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I've been touching obscene amounts of grass lately and have been neglecting what's most important in life - posting in the trans mega
cw bodily fluids, advice wanted
ok, so, i'm losing my mind here. for like as long as i can remember, every time i go to brush my teeth, i gag on the damn toothpaste or brush. but lately, its getting really bad. this morning, i literally puked up a bunch of water (and maybe my meds that i just took??) i had just drank and just now at night i nearly lost my supper. i've been having trouble eating as-is for various reasons so i think its understandable that i'm frustrated at trying to keep food down and maintain dental hygiene.
wtf, chat? like, what do i even do about this? has anyone run into this before? i'm not like jamming anything on my tongue back there, so i don't know why - i've given up trying to brush my tongue at this point due to this.
sorry
Not really helpful but my wife nearly vomits literally every time she brushes her tongue. No solution, but... Well at least you're not alone
While I don't have this issue, sometimes I just use (a long tweezer I then wash) to scrape my tongue (with the blunt, long side) instead. Maybe that can help? I also brush my tongue interchangeably, but this way is presumably less gag-inducing (and faster somewhat).
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Was looking for a PCP now that I am off the student health plan and working as a post-doc, and I got lucky. The one PCP that's accepting clients at the closest (good) in-network clinic notes an interest/specialty in LGBTQ+ primary care. I don't know if I need to switch my GAC from Planned Parenthood, but it does make me hopeful that they won't be in the dark or bigoted about trans health care.
EDIT: Well, that PCP isn't available until June, and in fact it doesn't seem like any PCP is available in the clinic system to establish care until April, when I will probably be moving out of town. So fuck me I guess. Looks like I will be relying on urgent care for health issues then, or at least I have to find someplace that's farther away.
EDIT2: Well, nowhere else within 25 miles or so seems to have a physician available as a PCP until June or July, so I just scheduled an appointment that I will likely not be around for in hopes that someone else cancels. Even if you have insurance I guess healthcare is a lottery in this fucking country.
Had to remind an ex that we will remain exes for the foreseeable future, that sucks.
what's up ladies? today I'm single yet completely and utterly unprepared to mingle
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Wearing swords should come back in fashion. My outfit would look much more complete with a smallsword.
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Just paid my semester's tuition and... I have more money than I thought I would, I've got an entire extra month's rent compared to what I expected and then some more to cover all my books. I'm starting to feel actually kind of okay being independent? A lot of the worry about if I'd be able to be okay is gone now, replaced, admittedly by other worries, but I feel okay about my situation, even if it's not super secure or the most comfortable, its become livable. Especially since the past few weeks finally gave me my first real break in over a year and I was able to rest a little.
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dysmorphia
Oh God I reeeeealllly hate the way I look so much. I got a look at my side profile today and I just hate the way I look, I can't believe I appear to other people like this. I have way too much fat on my face, my neck is too wide so my face just looks like a blob. I'm also overweight and just fucking hate the way my body looks
i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about
spoiler
Having to take language classes for my degree might actually break the my horrible procrastination on learning Spanish. Then again, I've always been bad at learning languages and especially speaking them, so it could also just be a way to tank my GPA.
I strongly strongly strongly recommend Language Transfer for learning Spanish as an Anglophone. It's based around transferring language principles from English to Spanish.
I'm a school teacher working with mostly hispanic immigrants and I was able to have useful conversations with my students after about 4 hours of mindfully listening to the lessons.
That sounds promising, thank you! 
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I've finally started to recover. Still have a cough, throat still feels weird, but my energy is coming back.
Dyed my hair red. It was pretty red, but then I washed it, and it came out a bit more purple-red. Thought this was because I had dyed purple a but ago (it was really faded), but then I realized that the color-preserving conditioner that came with the purple dye might actually have purple dye in it. Color looks really cool though, almost exactly what I had originally expected.
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