Weighed myself and I've gained 50 pounds in 7 months. Fucking rough. Like I'd prefer to be healthier but I wouldn't mind being this weight, the main issue is most of the fat still goes straight to my stomach, so it just makes me feel dysphoric. Need to get back into exersizing and watching what I eat. Maybe that'ld help with my depression too.

Angry at self wanting to be perfect and a teetotaler

Angry that I also feel completely justified when I disappoint myself because I never felt good enough for my dad and he's the reason I became an alcoholic in the first place, and now dealing with him is what causes me to relapse

Meemaw cat gets mini seizures and flops over like she got a leg cramp and a really bad itch and will fall out of a chair when that happens

Spent all evening at the gym, go check on parents tired and burned out (failed my leg press sets, didn't have enough in the tank to stick to my rowing schedule either)

She has one of her mini seizures, flops out of her chair into his lap, claws his leg accidentally (it's a completely unintentional thing, she's done it to me and would never hurt me and she's 16 and I've had her and her sister ((RIP)) since she was a kitten)

He's drunk as always and says some nasty shit about her (she's an absolute angel and he's a disgusting decrepit braindead miserable piece of shit)

Immediately start wishing he'd just fucking die already, wish my mom divorced him before I was born, wish I'd never had to know him, etc

Take care of their dishes, laundry, scoop her box, take out the trash, clean her bowls, fill them and get her fresh water, put away their dinner leftovers they left out (I feel taken advantage of, they're not that incapable)

Leave and go buy a box of wine and a flask size plastic bottle of bottom shelf vodka (my shifting sobriety self rule was "no spirits")

Walk to gym because it's the only other place I go, do ab and back stuff I skipped

Pick up trash on side of road, pick flowers from bougie gated community's front gate for my windowsill

Listen to podcasts

Angry at everything

Gonna go walk home drunk and stop to stare at a fountain while I listen to angsty music

Maybe tomorrow I can be happier with myself but for tonight I'm fucking livid at everything and exhausted and feel pathetic and am so fucking mad at my shitty parents

The kindest self dialogue I've been able to muster lately keeps coming back to "well no wonder you suck, look at how and by whom you were raised"

Thanks brain

new transition milestone: partner now makes noises of distress when I ask for help clothes shopping

yesterday was super stressful, but today i cant imagine ANYTTTTIHNG going wrong (oh god yes I can, I just imagined like 8 things, and only like 5 of them are work related)