When I think back on what it was really like, it wasn't nice or wholesome which is why I broke it off after months of hemming and hawing and them being unwilling to change anything even when they knew our relationship was at stake. I read someone's own journey a few months ago with a very similar story to mine and it was like being slapped in the face again - the dirty cat litter, the clothes everywhere, the mess, them not working, not looking, not trying to get onto disability, not doing anything for years. I remember the fights over "you need to get some income, I can't support us, I have loans and a scholarship" and how POOR we were because of it. Or when I was in charge of doctor appointments and psych appointments the fights to going to them... it wasn't like having a partner, it was like having a really obstinate kid. Or when we moved cause the house got shot, I was the person looking and the only house they agreed to was the most expensive fucking one!!! It was really hard.

But there's so much tenderness wrapped in that, the further I get from the pain and how hard it was the more those shine through. I remember how badly I treated them when they tried to show affection, ignoring being talked to or being held, I was going through so much shit that I was just not emotionally present and hadn't been for years. So I also get this fun house mirror style view where I was the asshole all the time in my memories on background as I forget what made it so hard and why I broke it off.

1. My dark red faux suede shirt. I'm wearing this shirt right now and honestly it's the inspiration behind this post. My old college's sustainability club took donations of clothes and then set them out for people to take for free, and that's where I got this shirt (fantastic place to thrift, honestly.) It's button down, made of polyester, with an acetate lining. It's slightly oversized on me in a way that fits and drapes perfectly, and it's sooo comfortable. It does need a steaming, it's quite wrinkly at the moment; and sadly it is dry clean only (I think I've machine washed it before though, which... don't do that, I used to not be very good at taking care of my clothes. Trying to get better at that.) I remember I used to wear this shirt every day when I was OCD spiraling in college lol, at least I looked good in the midst of my mental breakdown.

2. My first patch jacket. I made it from this really cool gray denim jacket that my mom gave me, and I remember working on it for hours in my high school senior year. Nowadays I mostly stencil patches, but back then I painted all my patches with acrylic paint. A lot of the patches on this jacket are colorful, and honestly while I love the black-and-white patches look and it's my comfort zone, I kind of want to start making colorful painted patches again. I've got a patch that's a picture of a duck with a flower crown (that was my ex-girlfriend's idea), a patch of a jellyfish, two patches of some of my favorite animated music videos, and a patch of a cicada that says "born to bug you", among others. It's actually not finished, the front still needs some work. I got it back from my cousin's place recently and I'm so excited to wear it again when the weather gets colder.

3. My sleeveless dark gray and red plaid flannel. I got a lot of four second-hand flannels for $5 last year and while I love all of them, I wore the hell out of this one this summer. It originally came with sleeves, I just cut the sleeves off (and said sleeves have been reused as fabric for patches, most recently on a laptop bag custom that I'm working on.) It looks so good with a spiked choker, black combat boots, and almost all my bottoms. The flannel is so soft too. Bonus: my other favorite flannel from that lot is the mustard yellow one; I wore that one a lot in the fall and winter lol.

4. My strappy blue plaid pants (kind of like Tripp pants). I made these from scratch last year out of curtains I got for free and a pant pattern I found for free online. That being said the project was still not free; I had to pay for the hardware that went on it — D rings, zippers, hooks. Luckily all of that was fairly cheap to get. I haven't really gotten to wear these out much — I wore them a few times last year but I want to wear them a lot more this coming fall. Oh also — the pants have a flared part that can be open or closed up with a zipper. I loved that technique when I saw other people do it so I have it on mine.

5. My white button down shirt with the ridiculously frilled collar. I got this shirt at a consignment store in California, and it instantly makes every outfit fun. It's actually slightly off-white and a bit sheer, and the frills on the collar are held up by plastic wire. There also used to be some plastic wire in the ruffled sleeves, but I took that out because it was a bit pokey. So far it's one of my two fancy white blouses, but I wear it more than the other one because I kind of accidentally messed up the other one by washing it when it was dry-clean only (again, was not the best at taking care of my clothing. It's still wearable and I still wear it, but I'm also a bit self-conscious of the place that got a bit messed up.) I just love fancy blouses, I aim to own more in the future. I long for a frilly black blouse and a frilly dark red one. Lolita/ouji blouses are a huge inspiration to me.

There are more pieces that I could talk about but these are five off the top of my head and this post is already long. God I love clothes and I'm so happy that my closet brings me joy now.