Hello fellow autistic! I'm going to crawl out of my "do not perceive me as a sexual being" box for a sec to reply to this. (No bullshit turns out shibari was just a sensory seeking thing lol so that previous comment didn't count).

My story was a few years pre-pandemic and I have no idea how the world has changed since then so sorry if this is bad or dated info. I did not know I was autistic at the time, but I did have autistic partners. I think autistic people are over-represented in sex positive/kink spaces because clear, ongoing communication is critical instead of weird 😊

I guess for context I'm AFAB, and millennial aged (1981-1996).

With autism I feel like you can learn social things but you kind of have to crash and burn more then the regular person. This is kind of hard to do with things like touch and sex.

I don't think the rules are clear for neurotypicals either tbh. There are so many mixed messages and so much of it is tied to gender norms and patriarchy and I hate it so much lol. Maybe a useful way to frame it is to think about people you have a compatible communication style with vs not. Reading some of the stuff on the event page really made it sound like they are trying to find some way to be universally appealing to access sex instead of treating people as individuals. I had such a visceral reaction to this because it is extremely harmful to everyone involved and it is such a weird feeling to be desired and hated at the same time 🤮🤮🤮

All of that to say, I have zero idea how you look around for these communities I’ve heard so much about without hurting one of the Da Rulz. And to clarify I mean in a way that is like “oh hey I’m looking for a Shibari community” “OMG I can’t believe you would just ask that!” “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it” “Only a terrible person would ask such a thing”

sound of door slamming on relationship

I'm probably reading too much into the word relationship here. But if it is meant as sexual and/or romantic partner I don't think there is a way you could ask this hypothetical person about shibari that would conform to "the rules". I think it's very normal to have some desires that your partner isn't into and that's okay, but if someone thinks your desires make you a bad person I don't think it's possible to form a healthy relationship with them.

Anyways, is fetlife still a thing? Fetlife is a good start lol. Maybe your city has a thread? Maybe they list events? Maybe you just get practice expressing desire in a safe space? That's cool too.

Other people have mentioned "munches" and I am the wrong kind of autistic for that shit lol. Both in terms of sensory issues and lack of structure. Munches are meet ups in public spaces so there is a way to get to know people outside of a sexually charged environment. Because the intent is to get to know people it's a bit lower pressure than something geared towards partnering. I understand them to be friendly and inclusive. Just not for me.

I did meet all of my partners online which gave the space to be upfront and clear about intentions in a way that feel hard to do in person. For example, you can find checklists online and fill them out about things you like and don't like and then there is no guessing! If you want, you can be upfront about your challenges in the hopes that the people you end up connecting with will be understanding. I did always feel out the vibe in a neutral environment first and sometimes it's a flop and that's okay.

Sex clubs exist. The rules are super specific to each place and even each event. Some are swingers clubs, some are open to the public but only let solo attendees on certain days. They usually have a mechanism to non-verbally indicate what you are looking for and most will include detailed etiquette guides. Your local club probably has a fetlife thread where you can ask questions.

Adult stores can be community hubs and have event posters.

Good luck comrade

🪄 back to being invisible 🪄

A lot of people that I know in kink are autistic so that's definitely not a thing that excludes you from participating in this sort of thing. The good parts of the kink community love clear questions and communication. We would rather people ask a dumb question and be told no, than make a dumb assumption and cross a boundary you couldn't even conceive of because you didn't have enough context to know about.

As far as events, it depends on where you are, but my main suggestion is to start on something like FetLife. Which sucks and is an awful website, but, it's like Facebook for kink and as such basically any kink event is posted there. Then you just find events that you think sound interesting and start going. If you're looking for something even more entry level you can often find munches or queer community events on Facebook or meetup. Friends you make there will eventually trust you enough to talk to you about other more sex forward events.

My recommendation would be to find events that are regularly occurring and not one offs. Also find events whose hosts have complete FetLife profiles that have a history of attending or participating in events. Only go to events that feel safe to you and prioritize events that are explicitly safe to your needs. These sorts of events will have posted policies around consent and inclusivity. Even better if you can find beginner friendly or 101 sort of events. It's always okay to say no. It is always okay to walk out and leave. If any event has any expectation of you other than "be here and follow our guidelines" fucking run.

And then you start going. Most importantly you work through the awkward times. The first time you go to an event, nobody will talk to you. This is because the regulars are tired of meeting people, putting energy into people, and then never seeing them again. Even if you don't really talk to anyone if the event seems like your kind of space, keep going back. Push through the awkward phase. Eventually folks will be like "oh they keep coming" and you'll make friends. Or you won't and that event isn't for you.

Like all community building you start somewhere, go into it with the only expectations being "I want to learn and I want community", and the rest of it will come with time and effort.

Anyway always happy to answer questions about this sort of thing because I was a a baby poly baby queer baby kinkster once too and I only graduated from baby status because people helped me figure it out