Hello fellow autistic! I'm going to crawl out of my "do not perceive me as a sexual being" box for a sec to reply to this. (No bullshit turns out shibari was just a sensory seeking thing lol so that previous comment didn't count).

My story was a few years pre-pandemic and I have no idea how the world has changed since then so sorry if this is bad or dated info. I did not know I was autistic at the time, but I did have autistic partners. I think autistic people are over-represented in sex positive/kink spaces because clear, ongoing communication is critical instead of weird 😊

I guess for context I'm AFAB, and millennial aged (1981-1996).

With autism I feel like you can learn social things but you kind of have to crash and burn more then the regular person. This is kind of hard to do with things like touch and sex.

I don't think the rules are clear for neurotypicals either tbh. There are so many mixed messages and so much of it is tied to gender norms and patriarchy and I hate it so much lol. Maybe a useful way to frame it is to think about people you have a compatible communication style with vs not. Reading some of the stuff on the event page really made it sound like they are trying to find some way to be universally appealing to access sex instead of treating people as individuals. I had such a visceral reaction to this because it is extremely harmful to everyone involved and it is such a weird feeling to be desired and hated at the same time 🤮🤮🤮

All of that to say, I have zero idea how you look around for these communities I’ve heard so much about without hurting one of the Da Rulz. And to clarify I mean in a way that is like “oh hey I’m looking for a Shibari community” “OMG I can’t believe you would just ask that!” “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it” “Only a terrible person would ask such a thing”

sound of door slamming on relationship

I'm probably reading too much into the word relationship here. But if it is meant as sexual and/or romantic partner I don't think there is a way you could ask this hypothetical person about shibari that would conform to "the rules". I think it's very normal to have some desires that your partner isn't into and that's okay, but if someone thinks your desires make you a bad person I don't think it's possible to form a healthy relationship with them.

Anyways, is fetlife still a thing? Fetlife is a good start lol. Maybe your city has a thread? Maybe they list events? Maybe you just get practice expressing desire in a safe space? That's cool too.

Other people have mentioned "munches" and I am the wrong kind of autistic for that shit lol. Both in terms of sensory issues and lack of structure. Munches are meet ups in public spaces so there is a way to get to know people outside of a sexually charged environment. Because the intent is to get to know people it's a bit lower pressure than something geared towards partnering. I understand them to be friendly and inclusive. Just not for me.

I did meet all of my partners online which gave the space to be upfront and clear about intentions in a way that feel hard to do in person. For example, you can find checklists online and fill them out about things you like and don't like and then there is no guessing! If you want, you can be upfront about your challenges in the hopes that the people you end up connecting with will be understanding. I did always feel out the vibe in a neutral environment first and sometimes it's a flop and that's okay.

Sex clubs exist. The rules are super specific to each place and even each event. Some are swingers clubs, some are open to the public but only let solo attendees on certain days. They usually have a mechanism to non-verbally indicate what you are looking for and most will include detailed etiquette guides. Your local club probably has a fetlife thread where you can ask questions.

Adult stores can be community hubs and have event posters.

Good luck comrade

🪄 back to being invisible 🪄