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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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spoiler - talking about my own suicidal ideation
I suspect part of what is making things significantly harder is you still have to deal with misgendering (like incidental by people who dont know you and while youre boymoding etc) and life in the closet. You did start HRT and came out yo a few key people which is dope!HRT for me was like a low dose antidepressant. I still had the stressors in my life that I had, my ex, school, nursing, etc. I still considerd suicide and had a plan and a time picked out. But it was much easier to deal with while I was on estrogen than it was ever before and part of that, for me, was that I could name my emotions and felt them in a much more fine grained way besides also just the relief of being on HRT. I said it but Ill say it again, it was like the emotional equivalent of wearing glasses for the first time after a lifetime of being nearsighted.
Things are hard for you, and you do seem profoundly depressed being transgender aside. I do hope you continue to attend support group, find some therapy, keep up taking those transition steps. You said you are feeling better (than on T) which is a good sign, things are moving in the right direction even if its still quite difficult and dark.
spoiler
I mean yea, if I passed and didn't have to deal with misgendering I'd feel a lot better. It wouldn't fix everything but it'd be a lot.I think my other big stressor is work/not having a real job. Which I don't have because of my depression, which I have because of trans stuff. My dad could probably get me something full time at his work, but obviously he's transphobic so idk how long I could/would want to be there. Definitely can feel emotions more, that really wasn't doing me any favors last night.
What do you mean by this? Like I definitely feel the depression effecting me outside of this, I just did something last week I needed to do for a few months, lack of interest in doing things etc but I feel like this is the main driver.
I'm going to, thank you Terminal