i'm harvesting a great crop of jelly beans today
it's my birthday this week and you have to post a lot okay? :^)
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very sad
I feel so disconnected from my femininity and have for like a month. I've stopped shaving and doing my nails. I've stopped wearing my femme clothes. I can't stand doing voice anymore. I'm always in siege mode. I don't have the energy to self actualize anymore. Any time I'm under stress, I'll just revert to being a guy. I'm so depressed.
Along with personal misery, there's the collective terrorism that we're all going through. I would have to drop my career and find a new one. I don't know how I'll get the medical care I need while trans. I can't travel freely.
I'm thinking of just quitting. I want to throw out all my girl shit and just be done with it. I've spent my whole life with a hole in my heart, so I'm used to it. I can better care for my loved ones that way.
The only ONLY reason I'm not doing any of that is being I can't stand the thought of letting the fascists beat me without even lifting a finger. So I just keep going, fueled by spite. That'll probably just get me black bagged in an airport. A lot of good that will do. :::
Your loved ones can also take care of you
๐ซ It sucks that everything's been going wrong, and that there's been yet another delay to medical transition. Like the others said, it's okay to need to lean on others, everyone needs it sometimes. The fact you've been doing so much as is is proof that you're strong enough to get through it, it's okay to slow down if you need it though. I know that's hard when there's time pressures involved, but still. You're a wonderful, smart woman, I'm sure you can get through it โค
For what it's worth, it's also okay to not always be completely on, I spent most of the winter boymoding, I often neglect shaving. Sometimes people feel apathetic about it because the dysphoria or depression or whatever else got stronger than before and you need to recharge before you can do it again.