The sad stuff always hurts, but essentially none of it is down to being trans. It's a society wide burden of bigotry and a very long socialization period that puts internalized transmisogyny in our heads. The actual sina qua non of being trans is gender euphoria!

I'm glad I get to be trans! I get to be a woman every day I wake up.

Theres other feminine coded stuff I never let myself want before like I get to cry when my mom goes on a vacation with her when I couldn't before (I suspect it's the E lol). I get little kids calling Miss Terminal. I wear makeup and fun scrubs and dresses and short shorts. I get to whinge about hormones with my perimenipausal coworkers and the ones who've had fairly radical hysterectomies. Even before I started HRT, sex was different than before and all that changed was I was a woman now and my partner (now ex) knew I was too.

You'd probably NEVER be as harsh to another trans femme as you are to yourself. You'd never tell them they'll never pass or that they look too masc. But it sounds like you're all too happy to do it to yourself. It sounds like you have to undo a lot of damage and emotional build up and its probably not going to be an easy or short journey - it's gonna take a lot of steady work. You're gonna have to do the cringey stuff like affirmations and looking at yourself and telling yourself your pretty, as if you were telling a very close dear friend it. You might want to do some therapy work with someone who knows a thing or two about LGBT people - but see where it goes with trying to undo your negative self talk.